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I'm terrified of my anxiety, what's wrong with me?

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magic23141
magic23141

I'm an 18 year old girl and I just feel so lost and hopeless, I can hardly even explain how I feel. I had very bad anxiety when I was about 9-11 years old. I would basically panic when I had to go to school and I always basically had this feeling that something bad was happening but I didn't know what. My anxiety calmed down for a few years but this past year, it's been worse than ever. I'll try to explain it as best I can. 

It's extremely general most of the time, something just feels wrong and I go through my mind trying to figure out what's bothering me. I then obsess over my thoughts and my mind and I NEVER know anyone if my thoughts are actually real or not. It's basically me always asking myself "do I actually think this? Or am I thinking it to think it and it's not real?" It's an endless loop. I just always feel scared. When I'm in big crowds or at work, my anxiety is higher but not in a regular way. I don't EVER get nervous about messing something up, or my boss getting mad at me, it's always that basically just being at work or in a crowd makes my anxiety worse and then I get obsessive thoughts about my anxiety. I know this makes no sense and I feel like I'm going crazy not being able to explain it. I just feel like there's something wrong with my mind and I'll never fix it. I always try to explain it to my friends and they either say something like "oohhhh yeah I get it, I get so anxious before my exams" or they just look at me like I'm insane and say they have no idea what I'm talking about. The latter makes me feel even more alone and like I can't connect to anyone. I know I'm only 18 but I'm too scared to even go into a relationship because I'll never be able to connect with anyone. I don't understand my thoughts, my feelings, and which thoughts are real or which aren't so there's no way anyone else can ever understand.

I always always always question my thoughts. For example I don't know if I actually have anxiety or I overthink so much that I give myself anxiety. Like if I'm in a crowd, I'll think to myself "you have anxiety, you should be anxious right now" and it makes me anxious! It's insane. I seriously think I'm going to have some kind of breakdown. I still go out with friends a lot and my life seems fine from the outside, I don't get panic attacks hardly ever but I just feel like I'm in hell in my mind.

I often get this scary feeling of sinking/despair/ loss of control. I don't know how to even explain it. I can basically "think" myself into the feeling and it scares me so much, I never knew it was possible to feel this terrible.

It's like I feel like I'm a regular average person but then I have this weird obsession/anxiety that makes me overthink EVERYTHING, like my own thought process.

When I try to explain how I overthink everything, people always think I'm talking about overthinking what a guy thinks of me, or what I should or shouldn't have said in a conversation but it's honestly so much deeper than that, I overthink my own thoughts and feel like I'm going crazy.

What's wrong with me? I know I should see a therapist but I'm scared it's only going to make me even more obsessed with my thoughts. My anxiety is so bad that I don't even know how to properly explain it in this post but I'm hoping someone will be able to relate to me. Has ANYONE ever felt this way? I just feel so lost, terrified and alone. It's like I'm hypersensitive but only to my own mind.  

0 likes, 2 replies

2 Replies

  • ryan06819
    ryan06819 magic23141

    Posted

    It's definitely anxiety disorder! I swear sometimes when my medication works I get nervous because I dont feel nervous. It sounds a little like what I have. Youve had a panic attack it sounds like and now since it's happened once, you are always on the defense for it to happen again. You wait and wait for it until you make it come and when it comes then you think youre dying or crazy. It's an awful cycle.

    Ive had such severe panic attacks that I panic at the thought of having a panic attack which..... you guessed it! Gives me a panic attack. I would consult a doctor and theyll start you on a perfectly safe low dose of something or maybe just a therapy session to talk. It's hard for me to give advice when im such a wreck myself but just know you aren't alone.

    I wanna be better, I wanna look better, I want a relationship, I want a normal life. I was going through snap chat today and just seeing people out enjoying themselves on vacation and at the bars having the time of their lives. It really upset me because it's like why cant I do that. That's what drove me to a psychiatrist yesterday and got a higher dose of meds and a new anxiety med. im scared s*****s to take them but I did and had my panic attacks. Gotta stick it out a few days to let it all build up and work magic. I guess what im saying is, youre gonna panic anyway, might as well have some light at the end of it.

    BUT YOU ARE NOT ALONE! We all ended up on this forum because we're the same

  • Aspinan
    Aspinan magic23141

    Posted

    Hi Magic, Ryan has given some good advise for you, you are suffering from an anxiety disorder and no doubt a bit of deoression as the two often follow each other.

    Dont worry about seeing a therapist, they hear this story everyday and know and understand what your saying, equally a low dose of meds will also help you so go and see your GP.

    Everyone on this forum has weird obsessive thoughts, overthinking and thinks they are going crazy, it goes with the illness.

    Your not alone and with the help of your GP you will get better.

    Neil 

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