I'm tired of being depressed and unmotivated when I want to be happy and should be.

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I'm 27 years old and have suffered from depression my whole life. I have had a very hard life, I attempted suicide when I was 15, I overdosed and almost succeeded, cut my arm up real bad, I still have scars, had rough as a little kid living place to place even in a car at one point, my parents both had their vices dad was an alcoholic and mom was a junkie. I've lost 2 babies, both died in my arms, I nearly died from blood loss. I want to overcome all of this but it haunts me and I feel sad and think about suicide a lot. I just want to feel happy and enjoy a wonderful life with my husband and daughter. I don't want to feel so unmotivated all the time. I need energy! I'm such a numerous person and I feel so suffocated with sadness and I can't control it. I have no one to talk to, everyone says "just get over it or grow up or its your choice to feel that way it's all in your head, quit using your mental illness as a crutch." I just want help.

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    We don't really want what we think that we want, but we do need the fantasy about it. Your hard times made you. You'll feel happy sooner or later, but imagine you're constantly happy - that's not normal, you'd probably be hospitalized if you were so smile.

    I never had much, but now I really lost everything and the only thing I'm really sorry for is my health... 

    In the last few months I had severe episodes of mood changing, I was delusional few times and almost killed myself, but worse is that I almost harmed persons I care about (I did)...

    Suffering is much more real then happines,  respect every moment of pain you ever had, cause you know by yourself how little is needed to bring smile on youre face, when some are not satisfied with mountains and rivers.

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    Hi jessica I'm 57 and I've been a misery-guts with bi-polar type 2 all my life. It made me so sad to read your message because I can really empathise with your frustration (and just about everything else you mention).  The only reason I came across it was because I was having a sudden mental health day on Monday - failed to get up, didn't  get dressed all day and couldn't ace the effort of/didn't make it to my choir practice in the evening - instead just lay on the sofa  messing about on the computer and somehow followed a link to the Patient website, I thought I would write you a message but I had to register first and haven't got round to it till now  (Tuesday night) because I MADE myself get up this morning and plough through a load of admin and jobs to avoid the guilt and vexation of wasting/giving up another day to this illness.

    I didn't get a proper diagnosis till I was 40 and have always beaten  myself up for being such a useless failure of a person, down and dissatisfied, always thinking it was something in my life that was wrong because I felt so bad for so much of the time, blah blah blah - Getting a diagnosis was a fantastic liberation from some of that self-blame (though it's hard to kick a lifetime's habit, i still go back to the same struggles paritcularly when I'm down). And "just pull your socks up and get on with it! And suicidal thoughts! I could write such a lot about my own life and situation, but  will refrain until requested.  I'd be more than willing to continue this discussion if you think it would help you.

    What might be more useful, in case you haven't heard of it,  is to say that one of the best things I did was g to a Self-Help group attached to the Bi-Polar Organisation (used to be called the Manic Depression Fellowship). There might be one near you. It got boring eventually but at first it was a fntastic revelation to meet other people in exactly the same boat. So many bells ringing. I would really recommend it if you can manage to get to one.

    I have 30 years on you and I can say that I cope better with it all now, having so much more insight into the condition, but I still get low moods and it really p's me off, as well as feeling p' off.

    Regards and best wishes to you Jessica - you have my EVERY sympathy for the part this mental illness is playing in your life.

    Gillian

       

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