I'm tired of existing and not living. I don't want to live anymore.

For the past 5 years, I've been heavily considering suicide. Back & forth, I've probably already thought about it well over 100+ times. Pretty much for most days, the first thing I think about in the morning is wanting to die. Same for the last thought before I go to sleep at night, thinking why don't I just end my life. Even right now, I'm constantly making plans to see if 2018 will just be my final year, perhaps even within the next few months. 2017 was suppose to be the end, but somehow I’m still here, and I’m regretting why I didn’t just end it last year to get it over with.I'm scared of pulling the trigger, even though I want to. 

I used to be a Navy SEAL, got married while I was in. Got out and got a job in LE. My unit was under federal indictment when I was sworn in. I didn't know that. We no longer had our police powers but my deputy chief still kept us in the field. He should have confiscated our credentials. Anyways I get stopped by the police while I was getting off a security detail. I handed the officers by LE ID, when they ran my name it came up as INACTIVE. The police officer was trying to arrest me right there. I convinced him to call my deputy chief. The officer agreed and said that if he vouched for me, he would release me. My boss gets there and tells the officers and I quote "I don't know why he has his badge and his gun but you need to arrest him. Do what you have to do because he is not my responsibility". I was dumbfounded. I was arrested immediately and taken in for questioning. The detective questioning me tried out some of his "advanced interrogation tactics" when he read my file. It didn't work but he still caused some permanent damage to my joints. 3 federal agents came down and interviewed me as well. The next day when I was being transported to county one officer leans in and says to me "I know who you are, if you kick our asses and escape it will just add more charges to your rap sheet". That was never my intention. I was bailed out a day later. right before I was released a guard purposely held me longer so he could call the local media. As I was exiting county there was a news crew calling me out by name. When I got home I was opening the 7 o'clock news... 

My entire career I remained in the shadows to avoid anyone knowing who I was. Then this. The next day my father died suddenly. That just took everything out of me. I had to ask for permission to go to his funeral from a judge. I was put on house arrest as part of my bond. My name and address were plastered all over the news. 

In the last 5 years my wife cheated on me multiple times and was not apologetic for it. She disappeared with my son and allowed me to believe she had been taken by a man who I arrested for kidnapping. She was completely soulless. 

I became an alcoholic, I drank every night just to go to sleep. I attempted suicide with prescription pills and woke up soaking wet with sweat and p**s 2 days later with a few missed calls on my cell. 

Every time I am ready to go to trial the states attorney cancels the trial. so then we have to reset it and wait another few months. They have cancelled my trial 7 times. While I am still on house arrest. I had movement for a couple years to go to work, which its impossible to find a good job while pending a court case. You are suppose to be innocent unless proven guilty but it still comes up on your record. I have been hired and within a couple days fired from jobs due to this case. I am NOT a convicted felon. If I was a drug dealer this would have been over already. But since I was a good guy I get hit the worst. 

Recently the judge in his attempt to pressure me to plead guilty moved me to Sheriffs house arrest with zero movement. I can't even walk out of my front door. I haven't left my parents house in months. (yes I had to move back in my mom's house with my cheating wife and kids because I couldn't afford rent) my life sucks. You can't even call this a life. 

I feel like a prisoner. I am a prisoner. I feel empty, lost, controlled, hopeless and helpless. If I walk outside I might as well run. and I am not guilty of these charges so I am not running. I did nothing wrong. I have waited for the system to do its job for the last 5 years and it has failed me. 

I have held out for a long as I feel I can. Every day that I wake up its a drag trying to pretend to care about living. I don't eat much. I stopped exercising, I just have no energy to even try. I feel like the clothing I wear is worth more than me. The food I eat should go to someone else who deserves it. I don't want to be alive anymore. 

I've held out for 5 years, that's a good run. I don't know who could blame me for giving up at this point. I won't kill myself, but damn I really want to die. 

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