I'm tired of life, with little reason, not dramatic - just 'done'...

Thank you. I am trying everything but more out of doing what I'm told than having a belief anything will change. I couldn't vouch for CBT yet, it's done nothing. Mind you same for medication! What is depression and what is just character?!

I have also moved from place to place as a child never had any real friends. Never felt like i fit in. When i do make an effort with work groups people i can only last so long it gets tiring and i cant be bothered. I thought if i did hair from home home that would be better but even then i dread people coming i am sick of that as well. I thought getting married having children would help my quest in searching for happiness but it us all just exhausting even though i love my children . i wonder when is it ever going to end or is life about living in this rat race constantly having scheduals and running aroubd plus trying to fit in seeing people so they dont get annoyed. Its all too mich fir me. I look at peopke who seem so happy ,motivated and excited about life and feell what is wrong with me. I would rathet just be on my own with no scheduals but calmness does this mean i am just a lazy person. I try to be upbeat but it wears off quickly.

"What is depression and what is just character?!"

I get the impression that you are highly sensitive, empathic, and have high ideals.

Let's be honest, there is more bad in this world than there is good. Consciously or not, we're all constantly being barraged with negative messages. And negative emotions have more staying power than fleeting feelings of joy. Your brain is more than likely over stimulated and is compensating / protecting you by dulling your emotions.

Think of a traumatic event that you have witnessed (car crash, violent scene in a movie, etc.). Your senses are on high alert, you question yourself as to whether you really saw and heard what just happened, you find yourself in shock.

Like shock, depression is a manifestation of our brain's self-protecting powers. It's by no means a comfortable state of being, it leaves one feeling 'flat' (to depress is to flatten), apathetic, tired. But it's an effective mechanism that shields us from feeling intense upset.

What you are describing rsjg, is typical depression. I think that you will find that you will cycle in and out of it throughout your lifetime. This is not a character weakness, as you come off as being very honest, insightful, caring, and intelligent.

I haven't lived in Brittain (I'm assuming that's where you're from) but here in the U.S. there is tremendous (and unrealistic) pressure to be happy all the time. Nobody can live up to that standard, and 'phonying up' (so others will be more comfortable around you) and living with self - deception is exhausting. If that doesn't rob one of a strong sense of self, depression surely will. The best that we should aim for is contentment.

What a well written submission, and I hope it helped rsjg as it did me. For a long time I have tried to understand why moving to America at first excited me, then overwhelmed me (2 step daughters perhaps?) and then I began having anxiety attacks - something I never had before.  You are right, and now, after going through being betrayed, and losing several loved ones, I see quite clearly the happy facade in California around me.  It is, as you say, deadening, almost like living in a Stepford Wives movie where you don't fit in. 

Your description of depression is also very clarifying. I think it was my only way to numb the pain of inadequacy and lost love.  I wondered why i had lost my spirit which was once so strong, why I struggled to feel a sense of belonging .... anywhere. Why I looked at myself and wondered who I was.

Thank  you for your wise words.

 

Sally!   I couldn't agree more!  I also feel like that

Sorry to hear that!  If only there were a magic pill.

Sally,

So sorry -- you ended up in probably the worst area of the U.S. to find any meaningful connection. CA (especially L.A. and surrounding areas) is so invested in projecting an image of wealth and superiority. You know, HOLLYWOOD / Tinsel Town...all illusion, no substance.

Like the therapist who advised the main female character in The Stepford Wives, I say "Get the hell out of there!"

Oh Tess, how many have said that to me, family and friends, yet I seem rooted to the spot having lost faith in being able to cope on my own or make any meaningful life again.  A friend just said to me, Rock Bottom is a safe place to be, it's solid and you can only go up (or sink in the sand?).  So I have to believe there is going to be something that will jolt me back into living, hope and believing.  Funny, as my husband comes from a Hollywood upbringing.  

I doubt you have no one, family is only one part. Work friends? Neighbours?

But, for the sake of discussion, if there is really no-one then in a way you know how to feel better and that gives you a lot of power. I don't even know how to be 'happy' and feel I should leave those around me before I drag them down too!

If you feel lonely, then be a little more proactive, join some clubs or groups etc. Without being offensive, you are a little older than me and there are a lot more clubs set up for your age group than mine that wouldn't be intimidating. I get expectations of sports clubs (loud bravado people!) or nightclubs etc where as I'm sure there are more suitable groups for you. Knowing what you want to make you happy is a great thing.

As for your family, you seem to want nothing to do with them. Great! Sorry, people on here may say that's sad etc or to try but it's your situation - if you simply don't get on then absolutely forget them. People survive without families all the time. Or you mentioned the recluse, maybe you need each other...

I sympathise, in case that didn't come across, so whilst I appreciate I have one on you by having a partner (although that can make you feel worse by the way in that you feel like a burden) you also have one on me knowing what will make you happy.

You don't need family/partner to feel loved. In fact family's love often feels more 'because you're family' than out of want. Friends are there purely because they want to be.

Thanks for your reply rsjg.   I do see on sister quite a lot and of course I do have friends - several close ones,  drinking friends,  casual friends etc.  I am not working as can't get a job so am often lonely.  

I do go to a social club for over 55's but don't do knitting!   I play cards in one of them and attend a writers group.  Despite my advanced age I do occasionally go to nightclubs you know....

I have quite a good social life and go out at least 3 evening a week playing darts and dommies with the lads at my local.  I also go to bingo.

Oh and I certainly don't need my reclusive sister!!!  You sound very young and I think you will find that us 'old folk' don't sit in a corner of a kitchen anymore knitting anymore and I hope you will be the same when you are old like me....

It doesn't follow that I know how to make myself happy so I don't know where you got that idea.   I keep as busy as I can but what I was saying was I don't have love in my life or anyone really close to me.  That makes me unhappy.  No one would miss me that much if I wasn't here.  

 

Hi Hypercat, I really didn't mean any offence, I just meant you have more access to such activities due to your age. I bet most of the people in those activities you talk of are of similar age and are in similar situations due to unemployment, retirement etc. You may well be the youngest there but I'm sure you have plenty in common with them. In fact I'm envious! All I was trying to say is there isn't that social world more mid 30 year olds, you're kind of expected to be all sociable and loud. My one friend tried to get me to go to a craft course - he's ten years older than me, and he was youngest be 10 years! It doesn't mean its not pleasant to some degree but you do feel very 'odd one out'

I apologise if I jumped to conclusions based on your message but I maintain that with the active social life you live you have LOADS of people who would miss you. Love is not exclusively available from family and partners. You seemed to suggest this was why you were largely unhappy so I think you know what makes you tick; you miss a partner/ family bonds. I'm not going to be stupid enough to say 'fix it' then as it's never that simple, but knowing what would make you happy is a positive; at least it gives you a target.

 

 rsjg.   There is not much more available to me because of my age then there is you.  Many of the groups are for old people who want to knit and gossip.  Nearly all of them have or did have partners, children and grandchildren and I don't so I don't have a lot in common with them.  

Oh I do have loads of people who would miss me but no one who would be devastated.   I still have lots of issues to do with intimacy and love which I don't think I will ever be able to solve so I don't think the partner thing is ever going to happen.  I have accepted this now but still feel sad about it.  Still that's life I guess.  Thanks for your reply.  xx

I don't know you personally but I honestly can relate

I to am in my 50's and on face book there are many groups but mostly for the younger generation and I don't sit and knit either lol I am here if you need to talk ok

Lorraine from wisconsin

I feel you have missed the point of the writer, and you are wrong about the clubs and activities - you have plenty no matter what age, but when you are depressed and have lost your confidence, it is incredibly hard to get up and do those things.  Be gentle on us older folk - I am 58.  It is a harsh climate out there if you are that age - your husbands seek young women, it's hard to find work, and your body and hormones are not playing well with your ego.