I'm tired of life, with little reason, not dramatic - just 'done'...
Posted , 192 users are following.
I'm not even sure I have depression, I think this may just be 'me'.
I have always been pretty useless socially, but have had a normal upbringing, no horrible experiences, have gone through education fine and even got jobs but I've never enjoyed life, never really cared and normally feel like I'm not really worth anything and, inevitably enventually, will become a burden.
I'm not going to be dramatic and say I'm going to end it, it sounds so pathetic (no offence intended to anyone) but I have thoughts of 'going' or even dreams that I could die 'blamelessly' thorugh accident or illness. Selfish I know.
I have a cycle. Get job, put on confident easy going persona, get physically tired from doing that, lose energy to maintain job, focus on negative, leave job in some form (fired/quit). Friends are much the same, play easy going fun, can't keep it up, lose or push them away. Relationships, get attracted to ones who need help, help them in anyway I can, get to a point where I feel I am no more use so should go as they'd be ultimately better off.
So, currently I've quit my job as a teacher, couldn't take it - always something to improve and with my way of thinking that just sounds like constantly someone telling you you're useless (and it backing up your own thoughts anyway) but even though I liked aspects of my job I don't think I had a passion like I see in others. I felt I'd let everyone down so disappeared, my partner/ parents got me through immediate days after my sudden departure from work and saw Doc who was nice enough - put me on medication which seemed to do very little - even after a few months. In fact it only had negative side effects so about three weeks ago I stopped taking them completely. I also started seeing a CBT person about three/four session ago but this feels like it's doing nothing at all either, we talk, I'm honest as I can be but there is some element of being 'public' and putting on that face/ jokey responses.
I dip between a wish to not be around that is forever there and seems to be backed up with wholly logical reasons that people genuinely struggle to refute to absolutely crashing panic attacks/ given up when my 'theories' are proved.
I know this sounds odd, but I don't even have the will to get 'better', largely because I don't think I can. I am just 'me'. I am negative, boring and even if it is all just selffullfillng profecies - it's still me who has done that. I'm not blaming life, or others or anything else.
A lot of the posts I read on here seem to have good reason; PTS, loss, finances etc - does anyone have no 'good' reason?
I just feel I'm never going to be happy, I am soon to be much a burden on those around me (my gf) and that, in the long run, it'd be better for all if I just went. I know my family and gf love me - but time heals, life would get better and people move on. In the long run I'm sure it wouldn't effect my family and 100% sure my gf would be better off.
Not sure if there is an answer for this, just writing. I'm not angry, I'm not hurt, I'm not even sad as such, I'm just tired...
39 likes, 393 replies
amelia77466 rsjg
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rsjg amelia77466
Posted
karen10443 amelia77466
Edited
Tess_70606 rsjg
Posted
"What is depression and what is just character?!"
I get the impression that you are highly sensitive, empathic, and have high ideals.
Let's be honest, there is more bad in this world than there is good. Consciously or not, we're all constantly being barraged with negative messages. And negative emotions have more staying power than fleeting feelings of joy. Your brain is more than likely over stimulated and is compensating / protecting you by dulling your emotions.
Think of a traumatic event that you have witnessed (car crash, violent scene in a movie, etc.). Your senses are on high alert, you question yourself as to whether you really saw and heard what just happened, you find yourself in shock.
Like shock, depression is a manifestation of our brain's self-protecting powers. It's by no means a comfortable state of being, it leaves one feeling 'flat' (to depress is to flatten), apathetic, tired. But it's an effective mechanism that shields us from feeling intense upset.
What you are describing rsjg, is typical depression. I think that you will find that you will cycle in and out of it throughout your lifetime. This is not a character weakness, as you come off as being very honest, insightful, caring, and intelligent.
I haven't lived in Brittain (I'm assuming that's where you're from) but here in the U.S. there is tremendous (and unrealistic) pressure to be happy all the time. Nobody can live up to that standard, and 'phonying up' (so others will be more comfortable around you) and living with self - deception is exhausting. If that doesn't rob one of a strong sense of self, depression surely will. The best that we should aim for is contentment.
sajam Tess_70606
Posted
What a well written submission, and I hope it helped rsjg as it did me. For a long time I have tried to understand why moving to America at first excited me, then overwhelmed me (2 step daughters perhaps?) and then I began having anxiety attacks - something I never had before. You are right, and now, after going through being betrayed, and losing several loved ones, I see quite clearly the happy facade in California around me. It is, as you say, deadening, almost like living in a Stepford Wives movie where you don't fit in.
Your description of depression is also very clarifying. I think it was my only way to numb the pain of inadequacy and lost love. I wondered why i had lost my spirit which was once so strong, why I struggled to feel a sense of belonging .... anywhere. Why I looked at myself and wondered who I was.
Thank you for your wise words.
jim71551 sajam
Posted
Sally! I couldn't agree more! I also feel like that
sajam jim71551
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Tess_70606 sajam
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Sally,
So sorry -- you ended up in probably the worst area of the U.S. to find any meaningful connection. CA (especially L.A. and surrounding areas) is so invested in projecting an image of wealth and superiority. You know, HOLLYWOOD / Tinsel Town...all illusion, no substance.
Like the therapist who advised the main female character in The Stepford Wives, I say "Get the hell out of there!"
sajam Tess_70606
Posted
Oh Tess, how many have said that to me, family and friends, yet I seem rooted to the spot having lost faith in being able to cope on my own or make any meaningful life again. A friend just said to me, Rock Bottom is a safe place to be, it's solid and you can only go up (or sink in the sand?). So I have to believe there is going to be something that will jolt me back into living, hope and believing. Funny, as my husband comes from a Hollywood upbringing.
hypercat rsjg
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I don't have anyone to love me - no partner or kids (I am 60) so you are one up on me. I have 3 sisters and only 1 nephew. 1 sister (who I don't have or want any contact with) has 1 son. She is a snob. Out of my other 2 1 is a recluse and shuts herself away and the other is a thief who stole all our mothers money before she died. So I have no one who would truely miss me. At least you have love and constant people in your life.
rsjg hypercat
Posted
But, for the sake of discussion, if there is really no-one then in a way you know how to feel better and that gives you a lot of power. I don't even know how to be 'happy' and feel I should leave those around me before I drag them down too!
If you feel lonely, then be a little more proactive, join some clubs or groups etc. Without being offensive, you are a little older than me and there are a lot more clubs set up for your age group than mine that wouldn't be intimidating. I get expectations of sports clubs (loud bravado people!) or nightclubs etc where as I'm sure there are more suitable groups for you. Knowing what you want to make you happy is a great thing.
As for your family, you seem to want nothing to do with them. Great! Sorry, people on here may say that's sad etc or to try but it's your situation - if you simply don't get on then absolutely forget them. People survive without families all the time. Or you mentioned the recluse, maybe you need each other...
I sympathise, in case that didn't come across, so whilst I appreciate I have one on you by having a partner (although that can make you feel worse by the way in that you feel like a burden) you also have one on me knowing what will make you happy.
You don't need family/partner to feel loved. In fact family's love often feels more 'because you're family' than out of want. Friends are there purely because they want to be.
hypercat rsjg
Posted
I do go to a social club for over 55's but don't do knitting! I play cards in one of them and attend a writers group. Despite my advanced age I do occasionally go to nightclubs you know...
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I have quite a good social life and go out at least 3 evening a week playing darts and dommies with the lads at my local. I also go to bingo.
Oh and I certainly don't need my reclusive sister!!! You sound very young and I think you will find that us 'old folk' don't sit in a corner of a kitchen anymore knitting anymore and I hope you will be the same when you are old like me....
It doesn't follow that I know how to make myself happy so I don't know where you got that idea. I keep as busy as I can but what I was saying was I don't have love in my life or anyone really close to me. That makes me unhappy. No one would miss me that much if I wasn't here.
rsjg hypercat
Posted
I apologise if I jumped to conclusions based on your message but I maintain that with the active social life you live you have LOADS of people who would miss you. Love is not exclusively available from family and partners. You seemed to suggest this was why you were largely unhappy so I think you know what makes you tick; you miss a partner/ family bonds. I'm not going to be stupid enough to say 'fix it' then as it's never that simple, but knowing what would make you happy is a positive; at least it gives you a target.
hypercat rsjg
Posted
Oh I do have loads of people who would miss me but no one who would be devastated. I still have lots of issues to do with intimacy and love which I don't think I will ever be able to solve so I don't think the partner thing is ever going to happen. I have accepted this now but still feel sad about it. Still that's life I guess. Thanks for your reply. xx
Unhappy_nwiscon hypercat
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I don't know you personally but I honestly can relate
I to am in my 50's and on face book there are many groups but mostly for the younger generation and I don't sit and knit either lol I am here if you need to talk ok
Lorraine from wisconsin
sajam rsjg
Posted
I feel you have missed the point of the writer, and you are wrong about the clubs and activities - you have plenty no matter what age, but when you are depressed and have lost your confidence, it is incredibly hard to get up and do those things. Be gentle on us older folk - I am 58. It is a harsh climate out there if you are that age - your husbands seek young women, it's hard to find work, and your body and hormones are not playing well with your ego.