I'm tired of life, with little reason, not dramatic - just 'done'...
Posted , 192 users are following.
I'm not even sure I have depression, I think this may just be 'me'.
I have always been pretty useless socially, but have had a normal upbringing, no horrible experiences, have gone through education fine and even got jobs but I've never enjoyed life, never really cared and normally feel like I'm not really worth anything and, inevitably enventually, will become a burden.
I'm not going to be dramatic and say I'm going to end it, it sounds so pathetic (no offence intended to anyone) but I have thoughts of 'going' or even dreams that I could die 'blamelessly' thorugh accident or illness. Selfish I know.
I have a cycle. Get job, put on confident easy going persona, get physically tired from doing that, lose energy to maintain job, focus on negative, leave job in some form (fired/quit). Friends are much the same, play easy going fun, can't keep it up, lose or push them away. Relationships, get attracted to ones who need help, help them in anyway I can, get to a point where I feel I am no more use so should go as they'd be ultimately better off.
So, currently I've quit my job as a teacher, couldn't take it - always something to improve and with my way of thinking that just sounds like constantly someone telling you you're useless (and it backing up your own thoughts anyway) but even though I liked aspects of my job I don't think I had a passion like I see in others. I felt I'd let everyone down so disappeared, my partner/ parents got me through immediate days after my sudden departure from work and saw Doc who was nice enough - put me on medication which seemed to do very little - even after a few months. In fact it only had negative side effects so about three weeks ago I stopped taking them completely. I also started seeing a CBT person about three/four session ago but this feels like it's doing nothing at all either, we talk, I'm honest as I can be but there is some element of being 'public' and putting on that face/ jokey responses.
I dip between a wish to not be around that is forever there and seems to be backed up with wholly logical reasons that people genuinely struggle to refute to absolutely crashing panic attacks/ given up when my 'theories' are proved.
I know this sounds odd, but I don't even have the will to get 'better', largely because I don't think I can. I am just 'me'. I am negative, boring and even if it is all just selffullfillng profecies - it's still me who has done that. I'm not blaming life, or others or anything else.
A lot of the posts I read on here seem to have good reason; PTS, loss, finances etc - does anyone have no 'good' reason?
I just feel I'm never going to be happy, I am soon to be much a burden on those around me (my gf) and that, in the long run, it'd be better for all if I just went. I know my family and gf love me - but time heals, life would get better and people move on. In the long run I'm sure it wouldn't effect my family and 100% sure my gf would be better off.
Not sure if there is an answer for this, just writing. I'm not angry, I'm not hurt, I'm not even sad as such, I'm just tired...
39 likes, 393 replies
bipasp rsjg
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essbea rsjg
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May I suggest something that may seemed far fetched, sell everything you own go to a place of your ideal climate work just enough to survive (possibly a bar), play the lottery at least once a month and just enjoy your surroundings as much as you can.
emma99384 rsjg
Posted
I don't know if you still receive these comments but thought I would reply regardless.
I'm sorry you have so much perceived failure in your life. Reading your post, it sounds like you try so hard, so hard that you are affecting an image that isn't your own. This in itself is exhausting and of course it leads to a sense of failure. How can you be this appearance you aspire to be?
As most of us do, you seem to place a lot of emphasis on your relationships with others, and how much of a burden you may be to them. Above all though, it seems like you perceive yourself as a burden from the outset. If you believe this then, at least in your own eyes, this is what you will become.
I'm sorry the medication didn't work. don't let this experience write off medication entirely. It may be that you haven't found the right medicine yet. Not that that is the solution, but it can provide a helping step on the way.
You also mentioned how you try to be easy going and fun around friends but this is exhausting. You don't need to be easy going and fun. Whoever said that these are the virtues we need to embody? There are many out there who appreciate far more the qualities of self-knowledge, humility and even self-doubt. It's what we all feel, to greater or lesser degrees, though most try to hide it.
In the long term, I am as certain as I can be of anything that it would hurt your family. Not guilt-trip, but it seems that these thighs stem from a lack of self-worth.
Please don't take how you feel about yourself for an objective reality, and please don't imagine that you're of any less value than the rest of us. Don't imagine that you have to be a certain way for people to care about you and certainly don't put up any pretence about who you are.
Being 'fun' and 'easy-going' are underrated anyway
I hope life is improving for you and you don't feel you need to put up so many appearances.
Take care
rsjg emma99384
Posted
I do read, I rarely reply these days. Not much I can attempt to disagree with in your words but, seeing as you took the time, it would be rude not to acknowledge my appreciation for your efforts.
Everything you say is true. But thinking it and believing it/ living it are very different worlds! I do wonder, whether self inflicted or not, that such thoughts eventually become so ingrained in ones psyche that you become that person anyway. So even if I wasn't what I profess to be at the start, such is the mindset that I have now become that person beyond all repute. There is little denying the burden I have become.
But anyway, thanks for your words. I shall try to remember them in the hope that one day, if even for a brief moment, I can believe them.
Solemn rsjg
Posted
I feel the same way I just feel there is no point in living. I always pretend that I'm fine with others because no one really understands me and I feel that I'm all alone in this world. I've often thought of suicide but it would just be a pathetic way of dying.So all I can say is I guess the people who are like this just have to live with this burden forever.
dan7721 rsjg
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rsjg dan7721
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You have kids, always a reason to carry on. I'd never have kids because of that responsibility but if you have kids you owe them to fight. My partner might well be able to find someone better, but your kids will never get a new Dad. I think other family are different; you don't have a responsibility to them but kids you do. There's no way they're better off without you around. So if nothing else, just remember your kids everytime the thought crosses your mind. Good luck.
dan7721 rsjg
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ann55375 dan7721
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anne93532 rsjg
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Man you have taken every though and put into words for me. Thank you. Hope your okay. I hope I'll be okay.
bro50880 rsjg
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Indenial of death scared to die and scared of family dieing prompting what's the point? I dunno if this is what's up with you but what you said was like mimicing me.
Forgotten rsjg
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I am a ghost, a shell. I no longer know who I am, or care for that matter. I exist in the world as an observer. I am neither happy, nor sad, I just am. I am talented, yet derive no enjoyment from my skills. I don’t like people, and hate to engage in shallow small talk. I have an amazing gf, a kind and loving soul that works tirelessly to help me see the bright side of life, and I do try. She is such an inspiration to me, I wish I could be just like her, but alas, I am confined to a bland existence in my own mind. I feel my life ended some time ago, yet my body persists. I don’t indulge in drugs or alcohol, exercise, seek help with physical and mental issues, yet deep down there is a deep rooted belief that everything is pointless. I have taken the maximum dosage of my antidepressants for over 5 years now, and feel that how things are now is as good as it gets for me. I role play my way through my job, and my relationships, but when the masks come off, and the curtain goes down I am blank, emotionless, and lonely. It is almost time for me to go, I wish you all the best😔
notnamednick Forgotten
Posted
I empathise with you completely. It's quite astonishing that so many of us have found others who feel exactly the same way about life in this corner of the net.
Knowing how futile and inappropriate it is dishing out advice - the best I can offer is an ear to listen that understands completely. Most days I feel hopeless, joy is elusive though the best moments usually arrive when I'm with family - I'm only truly close with my immediate family and a few of my cousins who've known me since we were kids. I have never been able to hold on to any friendships for longer than it was convenient for the other person, perhaps I came across as distant too. I too can't stand small talk and am quite comfortable with silence - though I'm trying now to engage a bit more with other people by throwing out the odd question.
I pray you find purpose, I pray for it myself every day and am only now starting to see where I fit in this life equation at 30 - it's being revealed a little more each day.
I tend to compare myself to everyone I meet and feel pretty useless in my own eyes (it's bad, but it comes so naturally), but I have faint hope on bad days and hope on good ones that who I am is good for something or someone, somewhere.
It might not be a fluke that we've all found each other here.
A quote apparently not by Mark Twain, but traced to a passage from a book by Anita Canfield entitled, 'A Woman & Her Self-Esteem'
"Ask yourself a most profound question: “What are the two most important days in my life?” THE DAY YOU WERE BORN and THE DAY YOU REALIZE WHY YOU WERE BORN! And why were you born? You were born to bless the lives of others. You were born to make a contribution."
(The above passage was tracked down by Matt Seybold of the Center for Mark Twain Studies)
bro50880 Forgotten
Posted
You seem like a really nice caring person and I can relate to what you say almost completely and especially the "everything is pointless" and "my life ended some time ago". I personally don't enjoy life like I feel I should I haven't really since I was 16 now 30 and I when really young subconsciously told myself as weird as it is that how happy I was as a kid is not going to last and that i feel i am going to die young anyway. (Surprised I am still alive tbh ) Anyway I feel we all have our paths pre set in life (Fate ) if you want to call it that and you can't change that but on this path we have 2 or possibly more directions given to us and this new direction takes up a portion of our lives until the next directions are given to us and what direction you choose to take doesn't matter meaning that if you choose to look after number 1 you'll get what you want from life but doing so you have to cut things out or people who you want to make happy or you feel obligated to help. The next direction is the opposite of what I said earlier the final one is give up and either stay on the path what your on and do nothing.
I know it's easy to tell people what will help them but you should find what you loved in life before you felt this way and if you find that answer and the answer is something that is no longer possible you now have the answer why you feel this way.
There really is no-one holding anyone back except ourselves even with responsibility like family or even if family is the problem work social life anything doesn't matter. The fact that there people who express the same emotions as you or me can only mean 2 things to me.
You have depression (I have depression) I feel blank but I think if you were on MEDS at any point for a lengthy period over 3 months they change you as a person it really messes with your brain chemistry more than anyone who studies will ever realize unless they experience it themselves. The good thing about this whether or not you were on meds is all these unfortunate feelings can be changed.
The hard part is quite easy all you have to do is what i said find what made you happy before then emulate it and if not possible then ask yourself why not?
People who do stuff or live a certain way because they see someone else enjoying and you don't that's not the life for you deep down you'll probably know this.
Life feels pointless because of death or of others death but it's not pointless everyday the person you see your gf or whoever is blessed to have you she sees in you what you see in her but regardless you need to find what you loved about life before you felt this way and s'ying i don't know is a copout really.
Feelings and emotions are only real because we allow them to be have you ever killed a bug and felt nothing ? You allowed yourself to feel nothing (It's not oh it's only a bug) You feel nothing because you allowed it be it because of "It's Accepted" by society or whatever. The feelings you have now are there because you've accepted them and/or were taken medicine. If you choose to be happy you will and I don't mean putting on a smile and "Acting" positive.
I don't know what you love to do or know what you want from life or what you loved in life before you felt this way only you can find this but your like myself and many others with the feelings.
I can't help you find this but i can suggest things that will kickstart and they start off very basic.
When you wake up run a bath not to hot sit back back enjoy the heat for a couple of minutes then very slowly run the cold water let it stay on until it's pretty cold but not freezing but enough where your not totally comfortable.
If you tried this let me know if you did?
Also know the world does have many people who genuinely care.
Zara99983 notnamednick
Posted