I'm tired of life, with little reason, not dramatic - just 'done'...

I read your story with both understanding and sadness, having that same underlying and constant feeling that I long to be free of this life.  It's not always been me though, I was a person with drive, leaving home at 16 and moving with conviction and belief that I could make a difference - I was a glass half full girl.  I was the one throwing out all those verses that now drive me crazy, thinking, if they knew this pain, they wouldn't be saying, "pull yourself together", "look at the bright side - You're smart, fit, ok looking and married", or "look at all who are worse off".   Truth is I don't know when or how my spirit just one day died, my will to get up every morning and have hope, to believe in myself and that I would ever have joy again, all just sizzled up.  I forgave my husband for his 2 year affair with a sexy Cuban, it's not that, he stayed with me through it.  I know I can work, and have lots of potential, but I can't even finish my writing jobs.  When I go home to Australia or travel somewhere else in the world, and am in a safe environment with people who love me, I get a sneak glimpse into the Sally that could be, but I come home and it all falls to pieces.  I wish I could say I know it gets better. I'm still hoping God will save me, that in some way I am going through a life lesson, and that I need to be totally cleaned of all that is me (all that I have come to believe is a burden on others and unappealing) and start over as a brand new person.  I know God can do it, as I sure can't and that is the hope that keeps me going.  I can't see myself having the power to solve this, and I get quite upset when my husband tries to fix me with his superficial niceness.  I feel like a face a long long fence, too high to climb, too deep to dig under, and no doors as far as the eyes can see.  Or like I"m playing a game of solitaire, and no matter how hard I try I know it's a no win.

So, in answer, in the end all we have is God. I long to see him and be in that glory, but I don't want to go there feeling like I have let him down and missed the opportunity to share what is good in me ( I know there must be something), to help even just one person, bring a smile to someone.  Thanks for sharing openly and allowing all us others the safety and freedom to share our own path and support each other.

i m 24 ...i have been feeling same thing...i am a teacher too...i teach others but cant teach to my mind...i dont want to die because of my family but i also dont wanna live...i have lost fun from my life i srsly dont know how do people live happy...because i dont know what is happiness

I’m gobsmacked! I can relate to this 100%. Socially awkward to a degree...I can get jobs (nurse NHS) but I always get involved in things that don’t concern me and....I usually leave. I’m plagued by bad decision making, regret etc etc. I no longer have friends, not a single one, my life is inside these four walls.i feel bad for those who die young or suddenly and here’s me not wanting to be here anymore.  I’ll never grow old, I know that for sure. But I’m biding my time and making sure ‘things’ are in place. I don’t need or want sympathy, I’m past that....There’s a kind of .... peace when ‘you know’.

Thank you for sharing 

Take all this and write a book.  You’re very articulate, well educated and so many people feel the same. Find a catchy title and start typing.  You’ll do great! 

Don’t sign a bad book deal.  Make some money!!

Hey. Ok - so first this is weird. My own Google search of despair has lead me here, to your post dated 3 years a go but currently relatable and compelling me to reply. I see many others felt the same and I'm glad to see your still alive even though I support anyones decision to do as they please with their lives. Whats made you hold on? Or rather how do you just live with it? Freud argued we have life and death instincts. What if some of us just woukd rather not be here? I resent having to think about my family and loved ones etc... they are not really here to support and understand now so why should i stay alive just to suit others? To stop their pain. What about my pain? I find life exhausting. So exhausting. I'd like to sleep now. I'd love for there to be a land of utopia where I could reside but unfortunately as with life there are no guarantees.

I think it's cool you're able to hold down a relationship. I never could. I've always had this feeling that I'm not meant for this world. And that's OK. Surely not everyone is. My soul does not connect with anything. Not even my family. Only with nature, the skies, the moon - anything solitary and all encompassing.

I don't know. Even i think im talking s**t sometimes. I've been on meds for about a year. Tried 4 before i found the one im on that doesnt have the horrible side effects the others had but i still feel numb and like a zombie at times. No interest or motivation. I wish i never, ever started them. Working out use to be my thing and it helps me loads but doc convinced me i needed to go on meds and now its like i cant get off them. Withdrawal was always so bad i had to go back on them. I hate the word 'suicide' as its connotations are brutal, negative, selfishness and 'crazy'. What if we are the 'normal' ones. We just don't fit into societies boxes. We beat ourselves up for not following their linear thought patterns.

I agree. What if this is just 'me'.

Oh yeah - are you still a teacher? Either way think you've found you're calling. Just look at all the people in this thread you are helping with your words. I feel comfort there's more like me

I had a similar issue two years ago. I called a fdriend on the phone two-three times a week and I felt better

I too feel done with life. Not suicidal just tired of the struggle. I get no joy from anything or anyone. I love my family but I seem to dread being around them. I love my job but I always dread going to work and dread coming home from work. I am just tired of it all and feel like the best of life is behind me andi have nothing to look forward to in the future but the end. I’ve tried any different antidepressants but they do not seem to help. I’ve tried alcohol but no real relief. I feel this sick, empty, sinking hole in my heart that won’t go away. I don’t know what to do; I’m just miserable all the time and am ready to call it a life.

I don't have depression even through I probably should after what happened to me but it's just that everything is boring my life is a never ending repeating routine so I'm just like what am I doing what does suicide guarantee me a escape no one knows if that really is it

First, I need to say thank you for your candid post. It truly is too bad such conversation is not valued and freely discussed with true support given in the family, in school, in the workplace and so forth but there is a time and place for all things. This forum, your words, gave voice to my feelings. I cherish and am nourished by such discussions! Instead of accepting one another as we are people want to fix us with medication or heap more stress on us by pushing us to leave our comfort zone and follow our dreams, goals and ambitions! Cast caution to the wind, risk your life, do what you have to to get ahead!  I've been told I'm too nice as though it is a negative. I've felt crushed and inadequate by constructive feedback, advice and suggestions. I quit my job 6 years ago (retail shift manager)because of severe anxiety. I loved helping customers but was not leadership material. I am uneducated by the world's standards but I understand things pretty clearly. i have difficulty expressing myself which is very frustrating. My brain glitches and for the most part seems empty. I cant carry on a conversation because i dont seem to have many thoughts. I feel confused,  drained, unworthy and stupid. Ive wanted to "leave" everyday for 15 years. I am clinically depressed and so are millions of other people. Ive analyzed and picked apart everything said to me and everything I've said to others. I've felt like a burden to my husband.  Do I think my family will be better off without me? Not anymore but I used to. What helps me? Knowing that the way the world is set up is not conducive to good mental or physical health.  Knowing that mankind as a whole is flawed. I feel unworthy and inadequate because I am... and so is every human. I know you have your views on religion  and it's understandable because it has failed to do what it's designed to do which is to direct mankind to the true God. The hypocrisy, greed and complete disregard for what God wants has resulted in as you say the blind leading the blind. The most intelligent men on  earth (scientists, doctors, engineers, lawyers, professors, political and relgious leaders, etc) have  been unable to solve the very basic problems of mankind ie; wars, crime, violence, poverty, homelessness, hopelessness, disease, corruption, drug addiction, the list goes on endlessly. Its no wonder depression has increased by leaps and bounds. We'd be crazy not to be depressed. Those who are coping or appear to be handling things well (my husband included) have resigned themselves to the madness with such sayings as "it is what it is" and "get yours" oh and my favorite "you think too much"......  There is hope, there are solutions, there are answers. Can you guess which Religion I am? It's also weird that since I joined my religion I became more depressed because I became more aware. Keep knocking, keep searching and praying. You will know the truth... you will be set free...... Sorry so choppy!