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I'm tired of life, with little reason, not dramatic - just 'done'...

Posted , 192 users are following.

rsjg
rsjg

I'm not even sure I have depression, I think this may just be 'me'.

I have always been pretty useless socially, but have had a normal upbringing, no horrible experiences, have gone through education fine and even got jobs but I've never enjoyed life, never really cared and normally feel like I'm not really worth anything and, inevitably enventually, will become a burden.

I'm not going to be dramatic and say I'm going to end it, it sounds so pathetic (no offence intended to anyone) but I have thoughts of 'going' or even dreams that I could die 'blamelessly' thorugh accident or illness. Selfish I know.

I have a cycle. Get job, put on confident easy going persona, get physically tired from doing that, lose energy to maintain job, focus on negative, leave job in some form (fired/quit). Friends are much the same, play easy going fun, can't keep it up, lose or push them away. Relationships, get attracted to ones who need help, help them in anyway I can, get to a point where I feel I am no more use so should go as they'd be ultimately better off.

So, currently I've quit my job as a teacher, couldn't take it - always something to improve and with my way of thinking that just sounds like constantly someone telling you you're useless (and it backing up your own thoughts anyway) but even though I liked aspects of my job I don't think I had a passion like I see in others. I felt I'd let everyone down so disappeared, my partner/ parents got me through immediate days after my sudden departure from work and saw Doc who was nice enough - put me on medication which seemed to do very little - even after a few months. In fact it only had negative side effects so about three weeks ago I stopped taking them completely. I also started seeing a CBT person about three/four session ago but this feels like it's doing nothing at all either, we talk, I'm honest as I can be but there is some element of being 'public' and putting on that face/ jokey responses.

I dip between a wish to not be around that is forever there and seems to be backed up with wholly logical reasons that people genuinely struggle to refute to absolutely crashing panic attacks/ given up when my 'theories' are proved.

I know this sounds odd, but I don't even have the will to get 'better', largely because I don't think I can. I am just 'me'. I am negative, boring and even if it is all just selffullfillng profecies - it's still me who has done that. I'm not blaming life, or others or anything else.

A lot of the posts I read on here seem to have good reason; PTS, loss, finances etc - does anyone have no 'good' reason?

I just feel I'm never going to be happy, I am soon to be much a burden on those around me (my gf) and that, in the long run, it'd be better for all if I just went. I know my family and gf love me - but time heals, life would get better and people move on. In the long run I'm sure it wouldn't effect my family and 100% sure my gf would be better off.

Not sure if there is an answer for this, just writing. I'm not angry, I'm not hurt, I'm not even sad as such, I'm just tired...

39 likes, 393 replies

393 Replies

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  • michelle37544
    michelle37544 rsjg

    Posted

    I no exactly how you feel.reading what you've wrote sounds like I wrote it myself I just don't have an answer to give you I wish I did I'd help myself too , I just wanted you to no there are others who feel the same . Cbt isn't helping me either.
    • rsjg
      rsjg michelle37544

      Posted

      I'm not sure what the protocol on here is for a 'knowing nod' so I'll just give you virtual hug and hope we both have a miracle!
  • amelia77466
    amelia77466 rsjg

    Posted

    If so many of us are feeling the same way, it almost seems like it is actually normal to feel this way about life.
    • rsjg
      rsjg amelia77466

      Posted

      Maybe on here! smile But what's hardest is seeing other people cope/ find it easy to do things you can't, e.g. make a phone call! It should be a simple task but I find it incredibly difficult. Everyone stresses, we all know that - its the degree to which we do and how it effects us before and after the event.
  • katy80848
    katy80848 rsjg

    Posted

    That's exactly how I felt the first time I had depression.

    You don't need to have a life changing event or crisis to suffer depression. All you need is to not be producing enough serotonin in your brain. And you get this feeling you described of never truly enjoying life.

    Anti-depressants can help but every person's brain is different so pills aren't a one size fits all sort of thing. It can take time to work, or even to find the right ones for you. I tried 2 before the third drug worked for me. But that is something you may want to discuss with your gp or counsellor.

    • rsjg
      rsjg katy80848

      Posted

      I'm wary of drugs anyway. But I gave them about three months plus and no effect at all. If my life meant I had to take drugs forever I'd rather not anyway!
  • mark2701
    mark2701 rsjg

    Edited

    I read through your posts and found them to be really helpful as Ive suffered from anxiety and depression since 18 but never really knew what it was till recently. I decided recently to go back to a low amount of medication for anxiety and depression to hopefully keep me mellow as I broke down walking home from work one day and locked myself away for a while.

    I suffered from my first major breakdown at 21 now 27,  I started a new job as a teacher I was fine for the first 2 months but the more responsibility I took on the more i got stressed and anxiety and evently depression kicked in. I couldnt hold myself together and would go home and cry myself to sleep. I didnt want people to see me the way I was including my family and as I had moved to a new area in the UK only had a few friends I could confide in about what I was going through. Now when i look back on it i just wish i had been more wiser as seeked a second opinion as my doctor at the time just said i needed to get out more and see more friends. I was actually doing ok and enjoyed helping students with there studies and a lot of it was in my head. In the end my parents came down and took me home and looked after me and got me back to a normal state. 

    I just wanted to say give everything a try to keep yourself motiviated even if its going to the gym, catching up with a friend or trying a new job.

    Id like to say am cured and never suffer from it but that would be lying. But once i got back on my feet i went travelling had some great experiences and now living in Australia.

    Im not going to say am perfect now as I have another dilema in my life if I want to stay in Australia or go home as feeling not completly settled and I have been in Aus for nearly 5 years. 

    I just want to say your not alone and more people are suffering from anxiety/depression these days and you dont realise how common it is as people find it hard to dicuss as its your emotions and feelings. My doctor said it can depend on your personality and just what kind of person you and how you react to a situation. 

    Im not sure if this has helped and sorry if I have rambled on but I wish you luck in the future. I try and do one at least one new experience a week if thats trying a new restaurant, go on a date or meet a new person. I started hitting the gym more as its very cliche but feel so much better after going. 

    Hope you feel better soon. Have a listen to a band called the Album Leaf it helps me relax and close off my mind. 

    Mark

    • rsjg
      rsjg mark2701

      Posted

      Great message. Funnily enough I am/was a teacher too - but I think the environment is particularly toxic for those with is style of thinking (the profession is based around you/ the work never being good enough and what can you do to improve in the UK)

      Catch 22 means that once this impacts you to the degree I had to quit my job, it means you cut off a social group and have no money for new experiences/ days out.

      As regards you, I'd stay in Australia! I imagine it's a lot nicer when you have a crappy day opening the curtains to sunshine! Tthat'd make a little, but significant difference.

      I'm not sure what I'll do now, think teaching is gone, can't see what I can do to keep me 'sane' as a career and find very little point in most things. I go to CBT but it just feels like we're talking about philosophy, my way of thinking hasn't changed one iota.

      I had no reasons to think this way, I created them almost. Now I actually have no job etc. I am not a victim, I did it to myself. I think I have just given up, if I see 2015 I will be a little surprised as I imagine something will come along in next few months that will be enough to knock me fully over the edge; an unexpected bill, a worry how I'm impacting on my partner, a death in the family - something...

    • mark2701
      mark2701 rsjg

      Posted

      Yeah teaching isnt for everyone and at that time in my life it wasnt. Have you thought about going travelling for extended time go work some jobs you never thought you would do. I worked on a farm stay and at one point cooked up a meal for 40 people which i never thought I could do and had to wash emus and feed osterichs lol. I know its hard to save but just cutting some luxarys out makes it a little easier. 

      Australia is beautiful place dont get me wrong and i have some amazing friends but do miss my family a lot as there all back in the UK. I only get to see them like 3 weeks a year and still want to travel more. 

      Maybe try and get a job with less stress like working in retail or a warehouse i know its not a career but sometimes we need to just do something different smile. Im sure you will be fine and try not to think the worse you need things to look forward to and not worry what will happen as thats no way to live your life. 

      I know how you feel as recently i left my job like yourself and have only had two weeks off and feel like i should be back at work but am slowly working on parts of my life with the time off I have. its good to have structure which am lacking at the moment as am going to bed late and getting up in the afternoons but now after 2 weeks of i need to change my ways and start getting a few things off my to do list as then i feel satisifed and happier for myself. 

      It funny how you mention about reason of been depressed there doesnt always need to be a root cause. I had a job with people that i got on with most of the time but as i sat there everyday at the same desk, talking to pretty much the same people with the same problems I realised there must be something else Id rather be doing and needed some time off to help realise what that will be. Im now looking at jobs where i can help people as i miss the one to one and want a job that i find rewarding. You just need to mix things up in life, there isnt one set route and if you want to do something different you can there is no wrong paths. 

    • rsjg
      rsjg mark2701

      Posted

      I do love travelling but now, having just had to quit work, it isn't even possible for me to 'save' at all. Besides, my gf still has a job so I'm taking on my full time job of being a burden wink

      Everything you write makes perfect sense. But the most relevant part is the tone; you seem to know everything isn't perfect but know your triggers and that there is good and bad. I was joking about staying in Oz, I fully recognise complications regarding family etc. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I now have no friends, no job, limited family (that I see rarely anyway) so am not tied to any geographical place. It's just gfs job that keeps me where I am.

      I just struggle with people so much that I need a job that has little interaction. Don't get me wrong, most people would see me as easy going, relaxed, even funny at work but it is all such a tiring act I can never maintain it. I just spend my time thinking they don't really like me, or they think I'm an idiot or that I'm crap at my job. Think I just need to be a recluse!

    • mark2701
      mark2701 rsjg

      Posted

      Yeah I understand I've worked a job for the last 9 months with the end goal to visit America which am now questioning if i should go as been pretty down recently, but have decided I would kick myself i didnt go. Its funny i just took a career quiz and it sugessted i should be a teacher or a councellor which a few people have suggested as I like talking and helping people.

      I always thought I wanted a job where i dont work with people but after a while i would get bored and feel like it didnt matter and find the time goes slower than working with people. 

      Yeah im starting to realise when am going down hill and instead of asking the question why do i feel this way i do something about it hence going back on tablets before i get any worse as I know i would. Am close to my family we have a good relationship but i dont have many friends back in the UK and made some good ones in Australia that understand me, but i miss been able to chat to my family and do things together. 

      I completly understand about the act if you asked anyone previously i worked with they would say I was so happy with a smile on my face and looked so collected. It is hard especially when you have that little voice in your head saying whats the point, what would i rather be doing and your no good. 

      If i was there would take you for a pint or orange juice now am on the pills but its good to have somone to talk to i only have a few friends that have gone through what i have but can relate and make me feel better. I havent had a gf in a long time and do miss the company. Does she understand what your going through? 

    • rsjg
      rsjg mark2701

      Posted

      We certainly have strong similarities, you seem to be a lot further along in your understanding of you and your triggers though. Going to Australia in the first place is quite an acheivement and you must be doing something right!

      I too only really get enjoyment from helping others, the issue comes that when that 'problem' is solved I feel of no use and begin to withdraw. I have done it with friends and family. My girlfriend is a case in point, she had relationship, financial and work issues and I helped her solve all of these to be in a better place to the point now she considers everything to be pretty good in those departments, but I have nothing left to offer her. Worse still, I am now only going to be a burdn on her financially and emotionally and can offer her no decent future prospects. All that swims in my head is "if you love them let them go" as staying with her seems very selfish.

      However, she is the first person who I have ever really shared this with. My past relationships completed the cycle! She understands as much as one can and is very supportive but I feel that her patience must run out eventually (she's a teacher so she does have a lot!) and she shouldn't have to deal with this anyway.

      If I were you I'd visit America. Not sure where you're going but if you have the means then do it. If nothing else it is something to look back on one day and think 'wow, I did that' and gives you that ton more of info to talk about with friends, strangers, future partners that can fill those awkward moments when you're not sure what to say! You've lived abroad, nearly everyone would say that's pretty cool!

      Cheers for the offer of a drink ha ha! But I'm so crap I'd probably just put it off and hope to be left alone! The lovely thing about the internet is it is so anonymous even I don't mind being honest. The second I meet someone I'm worrying I'm boring them, annoying them etc! Even my CBT doc!

      I wish I could find just one positive to focus on. I really can't. The only one I should have (my gf) I twist to make it one of the biggest negatives - me being a burden to her. I'm not fun, I'm not confident, I now have no job, I have cr*p future financially, I can never acheive in basic things like house buying etc (I've never even owned a car in my name!) because every time I get myself on an even keel I sabotage it best I can, waiting for the disaster to hit.

      Cheers for the replies. 

    • mark2701
      mark2701 rsjg

      Posted

      Yeah my family remind me how much an achievement it is but i feel like am missing a lot of family time which i do crave and a Greggs Sausage Roll smile. 

      I dont think you should look at it as burdening her I'm sure you both have fun and its great you helped her and now shes helping you till you find another job. I'm sure something will come up and know how you feeling as am trying to find a temp job for the next few weeks until I go away. You just need to do little things and am sure she will appreciate.

      I used to date a teacher when I was teaching as well and she totally got what I was feeling and was nice to have someone to confide in. I think teaching is a hard career its more of a lifestyle than a job.

      Ive decided to go on my trip to America but have shortened my trip to 4 weeks so cant wait as am catching up with a friend who lives in New York. Im quite lucky that i can travel but have made sacrifices to be able to do it as often as i like. I dont have a car either, i only started doing lessons this year but the day I failed my exam i was also going under for general surgery as they found a mole that they thought could have been cancerous my head wasnt in a right place for the test. 

      Im sure you wouldnt bore me and sure you have some fun stories from your teaching days. Have you always been a teacher?

      You just need to focus on getting better thats number one if thats trying a different type of medication then give that a try. I was on one type over here that made me so much worse and then i tried one with a lower dosage and helped me mellow out. It sucks that we feel this way, I didnt get up till like the 5 pm today as i felt that bad just didnt want to see anyone or leave my bed. Ive just started back on my meds and i know this is usual and just getting a shower and going out seems like am climbing Everest. I just over think things and always have, I wish i didnt and were just like other people that seem to be relaxed most of the time. I think about the future a lot as been single for over 8 years, dont really know what i want to do as a career as want to get out of IT, dont even know if i want to stay in Australia. I sometimes think there must be more to life than this  you know just working, meeting someone, kids and buying a house which i know sounds childish and then i go back to thinking about travelling the fun and exciting times i had meeting new people constantly, the random jobs and waking up sometimes in a new part of the country it was so hard going back to a routine and still know i preferd the travelling lifestyle. Didnt mean to ramble but trust me we all think and worry about the future, just got to keep plodding on and making decisions we feel are the best smile. 

      What does your girlfriend say when you tell her you feel like a burden?

      Hope im not been too intrusive. 

    • sajam
      sajam mark2701

      Edited

      America isn't all its cracked up to be - be sure it's what you want. I'm from Australia, and it's spirit is much healthier and balanced. 

  • Ihm88
    Ihm88 rsjg

    Edited

    Hi, a late response to your post,I just really felt the need to reply. So much of what you said resonates with me, actually all of it does. The feeling like a burden thing, especially to my husband who is a fully functioning member of society who although sympathetic doesn't really get how others aren't  so I can't shake the feeling that I'm dragging him down and why on earth would he want to hang around. The day to day struggle to perform simple tasks ie make a phone call, deal with the plumber, go to the shops for food. I could go on forever with my feelings but really I just seem to be someone whom life is just to hard for. And like you, it's for no good reason.

    personally I'm over it, I feel like when I die I'll just breathe a giant sigh of relief and say thank god that's over.

    Really I just wanted to say thanks for your post and to the others that have replied that they are in the same boat.

    It helps to know that somewhere out there, there is someone who gets it and doesn't think you're at all weird. 

    I wish you all the best on your journey 

     

    • rsjg
      rsjg Ihm88

      Posted

      Thanks for the reply, its nice to know you're not alone isn't it? However, it'd be nicer if people said it got any better! I hate the idea that this is forever, like an alcoholic or something!

      I hope you haven't given up; I don't know how you just 'get over it', for good or bad! I have no spiritualty (I almost envy those who do!) so am under no illusions that it gets better after life but, much like someone in constant physical pain, I feel like I should be allowed to just give up without guilt.

      I fully empathise with your issues, they sound identical! I beat myself up a little more as, being a man, society expects you to step up - think I get weird looks when the gf is dealing with everything!

      I wish you luck with your future too - I hope you are doing something to try and fight it as I think without at least trying Meds/ Talk therapy etc then giving up in your head can easily turn in to giving up 'properly'.

    • hypercat
      hypercat Ihm88

      Edited

      I understand exactly what you mean Ihm88.  That's how I feel as  well.  I have always found life hard work as well and nothing has come easy for me.  I wish something would for a change :d  

      I am 60 now and am tired,  tired of fighting, and fairly tired of living but hey ho I have made it this far so some credit is due I guess.  

      I am just living now to make sure I get the pension I deserve after working all my life.  Can't get it til 65 (hate the barstewards who changed that).  I am determined to get my money's worth and live til at least 96 :d  x

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