I'm tired of life, with little reason, not dramatic - just 'done'...
Posted , 192 users are following.
I'm not even sure I have depression, I think this may just be 'me'.
I have always been pretty useless socially, but have had a normal upbringing, no horrible experiences, have gone through education fine and even got jobs but I've never enjoyed life, never really cared and normally feel like I'm not really worth anything and, inevitably enventually, will become a burden.
I'm not going to be dramatic and say I'm going to end it, it sounds so pathetic (no offence intended to anyone) but I have thoughts of 'going' or even dreams that I could die 'blamelessly' thorugh accident or illness. Selfish I know.
I have a cycle. Get job, put on confident easy going persona, get physically tired from doing that, lose energy to maintain job, focus on negative, leave job in some form (fired/quit). Friends are much the same, play easy going fun, can't keep it up, lose or push them away. Relationships, get attracted to ones who need help, help them in anyway I can, get to a point where I feel I am no more use so should go as they'd be ultimately better off.
So, currently I've quit my job as a teacher, couldn't take it - always something to improve and with my way of thinking that just sounds like constantly someone telling you you're useless (and it backing up your own thoughts anyway) but even though I liked aspects of my job I don't think I had a passion like I see in others. I felt I'd let everyone down so disappeared, my partner/ parents got me through immediate days after my sudden departure from work and saw Doc who was nice enough - put me on medication which seemed to do very little - even after a few months. In fact it only had negative side effects so about three weeks ago I stopped taking them completely. I also started seeing a CBT person about three/four session ago but this feels like it's doing nothing at all either, we talk, I'm honest as I can be but there is some element of being 'public' and putting on that face/ jokey responses.
I dip between a wish to not be around that is forever there and seems to be backed up with wholly logical reasons that people genuinely struggle to refute to absolutely crashing panic attacks/ given up when my 'theories' are proved.
I know this sounds odd, but I don't even have the will to get 'better', largely because I don't think I can. I am just 'me'. I am negative, boring and even if it is all just selffullfillng profecies - it's still me who has done that. I'm not blaming life, or others or anything else.
A lot of the posts I read on here seem to have good reason; PTS, loss, finances etc - does anyone have no 'good' reason?
I just feel I'm never going to be happy, I am soon to be much a burden on those around me (my gf) and that, in the long run, it'd be better for all if I just went. I know my family and gf love me - but time heals, life would get better and people move on. In the long run I'm sure it wouldn't effect my family and 100% sure my gf would be better off.
Not sure if there is an answer for this, just writing. I'm not angry, I'm not hurt, I'm not even sad as such, I'm just tired...
39 likes, 393 replies
john12432 rsjg
Posted
hypercat rsjg
Posted
b59485 rsjg
Posted
my advice would be to find something you care about. so for me I would be like what do I want from life?
i want a purpose and I want to do something that will give my life vaule.
so as a random example f**k off to africa or the slums in India and help the dying children.
or ask yourself what has made you happy in the past? And what would give someones life purpose?
for me as an example a life with a purpose is a life that makes the world a better place.you could want to make a mark like writing a book.
but ask your self questions about you, about your dreams and your passions(if you don’t have any think about past passions or anything that may make you smile, switch things up).people who love you will respect what you want and allow you to do what you need to do to get better.
Hope this helpsxx
ann55375 b59485
Posted
rsjg ann55375
Posted
Around, but letting this thread take its own course now. I've left others to decide on good advice for posters who use this thread as a beacon for their own issues. If you read through all of it you'll see I've replied over the years if I've been explicitly referenced or asked.
As for 'got better', I'm not sure you do. My view of it is a bit like alcoholics - you're always an alcoholic you're just x years sober. A person who has depression might be x years 'positive'!
jim71551 rsjg
Posted
Hey. I just wanted to say that recently Ive been doing much better. For a little bit of a backstory,,, I went under the Holy Spirit when I was 14. That religious experience was very dramatic and I cant say that I necessarily became very religious after that experience. However in my late 20's I started reading Bible and touching my spiritual essence much more. Then not so much again. BUT, as of late I feel blessed and feel that for the most part I am practicing Gods will. Wanted to tell everyone here that is my experience.. I was in a suicide depression for over 8 months and I feel just as I write this a small hint of dread again, but like I said, something transformed in me and I wanted to share it ThankYou
ann55375 rsjg
Posted
kevincapracotta rsjg
Posted
There are no easy fixes and no easy words to a depressed individual. To push through day by day min by min is not a easy thing it takes courage determination and a will that refuses eveven thpugh the body is very weak . In most cases as was mine a underline health issue eas the cause. Having pain that puts u in a depressive state but not knowing thats what happened is very dangerous and painfull. Just hang in there it may not get better it might get bearable at best. Having purpose helps . Anything positive helps. But my words will not fix you nor will they ad hope at best you know your not alone and that is something to give support. I may be at the place u were or are. Talking and sharing the road traveled I believe helps. If you can find a group to vent like this where others are going through the same pain at least you know your not alone and we are not just spewing empty words . Our words have substance nutriance and life. They are not spoken from putty or a know it all point of view. our words are of the same dish of pain and suffering. I once heard if we are unable to love a person that has pastaway our sorrow is not of the loss but rather that we are unable to give the love we want to give that causes us sorrow. So in some cases your pain is causes by the fact u just want to love or be loved and have nothing to give and get. That in my opion is a good explanation of pain. Thank for listening and I truly love u all
debra52510 rsjg
Posted
I want to die also. I am almost 60, and I look back at my life and realize I have done nothing but hurt the people I love. I have pushed them away. I'm not lonely, I am just worthless and a waste of air. My daughter and my ex best friend will tell you I an toxic. I have always felt defective and have proved that is true. I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up.
adam25552 rsjg
Posted
WOW!
i just want to start by saying thank you .
a lot of what you said i have been trying to put into words for a long time but it just comes out like im crazy everyone assumes i have to be depressed im not i see more benefits for my family with me not in the picture.
im not scared of death i no my family love me and i think i love them i kinda just feel numb its hard to explain i guess i know them and i let them into my life and i dont let many ppl in if i do it just means i have to put on this act for more ppl .
anyway sorry for rambling its just good to know im not alone that there are other ppl like this
BTNSUB rsjg
Posted
Hello, I feel the same way. I don't feel depressed or manic, I just feel that once I've had enough I see no problem with just ending myself. After all if you were at a party or a club or a bar etc, if you got bored, or didn't enjoy it you would leave, I have just applied this principal to life. I do not find the prospect of living to a ripe old age appealing at all, in fact the thought is horrifying to me. To end up in a chair surrounded by similar types having your bum wiped and being fed by a spoon because your to addled with some sickness to feed yourself - no thanks.
I haven't spoken about it to anyone, I cannot see the point, what would they do "try and talk me down..", why my mind is made up, it has been for several years I'm just looking for the time that suits me.
I honestly think there are a lot of people out there who feel the same way as well.
dale52631 rsjg
Posted
i can relate. the thing is,you can't always believe what your mind says.AFTER YEARS, and i mean years,of therapy, i still have these days when i feel exactly as you describe.On those days,my mind gets locked into that same loop. " oh whats the use , I'm 65 , ive raised my family,i no longer feel inspired by anything,there's never going to be anything new and exciting in my life,etc. I so easily see the logic in all that. BUT then i remind myself of how much i love a good laugh. Sometimes i can start imagining a comedian doing stand up about my life. My main relief is remembering , I m not always obligated to see me and my thoughts as being inseparable. and sometimes im reminded i am not my thoughts.and then ask myself ,"WHERE the heck did that come from?" START MOVING START DANCING. i hope you don't mind my 2 cents, but honestly nothing ever stays the same.
I wish you peace and love and no expectations.Dale
Coonygal001 dale52631
Posted
Thank you. This is helpful and inspiring to me ❤️
hypercat rsjg
Posted
This post is 4 years old folks. If you have an issue why not put it up as a new post? x
hypercat rsjg
Posted
Hi this post is 4 years old. Just to let you know. x
RedSainte hypercat
Posted
And yet here you are.
Yes it is a rather old post but doesn't mean people can't relate to it anymore. And it just proves that this is a major issue that should be addressed more.