I'm tired of life, with little reason, not dramatic - just 'done'...

Have you come any closer to deciding which aspects of your experience might be depression and which may be character?

Have you found ways to feel less like a burden?

What decisions did you make regarding work and relationships and where have you found suppot during the 8 months?

When you wrote initially, you said you weren't looking for answers, but now you admit that you had hoped for advice and signposting, and felt disappointed at the input from this website.  Well, I was quite glad to read through your post and the responses as I felt there was a lot there to provide some direction and inspiraton.  I think your hope for advice and signposting is quite realistic, looking through the various responses.

You talked before about cycles of mood? Is that something which is still going for you? How does that work in your life?

Just drinking a juice of cucumber and tomato - deelicious and fresh.​

Yeah 8 months, feels both more and less. Unfortunately I doubt I will either give you insightful answers or even a nice positive slant on my response - you have been warned!

Little has changed. I tried drugs, didn't work, I tried therapy, too much religion and not willing to try again - a weird catch 22 in where you need to ask for help but are afraid of talking to people even day to day. Friends are nonexistent, I quit my job and haven't returned. I still feel like a burden to those around me, and how ever much they care it doesn't excuse it - in fact it makes it worse. I can't escape feeling that if I was a good person then I'd protect them from me - if you were highly infectious with a  deadly disease would you hug your family? So internally and externally, very much status quo. I'm still here, slightly surprisingly.

It is fair to say I'm confused as to my wants and beliefs about my situation. One day it's just me and there is no hope, next day it's won't please someone give me a magic wand (but I won't ask!). If I seem ungrateful with any responses then that wasn't my intention, maybe it's my way, I always focus on negative and all I see is lots of people struggling and no-one coming out the other side. It feels like the blind leading the blind.

Further more most people seem to have a good reason through circumstance or substance abuse or dramas in their life -I'm just like this for no real reason. Pretty pathetic really.

My girlfriend does support me but it both helps me survive and yet stops me facing my issues and makes me feel not good enough and as if I'm holding her back. I know she doesn't feel that, but I feel like it MUST or it will eventually when she realises what she'll miss out on.

Cycles of mood are continuous but rarely hit a positive slant, some days I'm just ok and potter around and others I feel the strongest urge to give up. The only trigger I know doesn't help (but isn't crucial) is the weather but that's common with lots of people. A bad day will turn in to a bed day easily if it's grey! Lucky I live in UK

I've tried improvements in diet etc but I'm not exactly a bad eater anyway, exercise is fine but doesn't really change anything, just gives me something to do. Easily lose will to do it though. My socialising is obviously nonexistent and I try to encourage girlfriend to do her own thing with friends in that respect.

So in summary, nothings changed, I'm in a state of status quo, every plan I come up with I find a major flaw in, I strongly doubt there's a way out, I hate the way I look, sound and feel and feel I should protect people from their own blinkered love.

So, sorry and hope you have more success.

I agree, I have nothing to really complain about, I almost wish I did as then it'd explain it. I just can't cope with society; I can't even talk to people on the phone or worry about what a stranger thinks of me. I just don't know what to do; stubbornness, stupidity, anxiety stops me from doing things and every time I try to fight it I can only keep up the pretence for a while and then everything collapses. I just know I'm right - we seem scared to admit some people are just failures and not equipped. We could name loads of people in our lives we could say are useless or horrible etc, but the second their is an element of affection for them is we decide to lie to them and ourselves - "they're just unlucky/ need help/ have hidden talents" - I don't believe it.

I have, and if not struggling, do still do a fair bit of exercise. Cycling, jogging etc but fitness has never really helped. In my 20s particularly I was extremely fit but it didn't help. When I said way I look I meant more appearance than shape.

I do appreciate responses but worry there is no hope. Maybe I can't hear it even if there is....

You can't say you have a hidden talent and then not say what it is that's just mean...! Good for you though. Genuinely. However some people are just bang on average, I'm one of those. I'm not in some deluded spiral that makes me think I'm the worst at anything, or have a difficult hand or anything, I'm just realistic and know I, like many others, are just bang on average but if I do dip one way it's always the worse than average way. It's my head that beats me up for my limitations and stops me just fuctioning - it's hard to explain so I'll stop!

Trying to think of good things is difficult for me, I can't think of anything I can't put a negative slant on! Maybe I'm good at arguing... But if I look at widely accepted sections of my life it's not a good overall picture:

Family - fed up with me, disappointed and feel sorry for me on one hand. Have never really included me anyway (but maybe that's my withdrawal tendancies)

Love Life - good and yet that makes it bad! If I didn't care about her I'd be quite happy taking advantage but if you love someone you don't want to hurt them in any way, emotionally, financially, future etc. If you love them let them go as the saying goes...

Financially - was poor, sorted with job, would be cleared up in a few years (credit) but don't struggle day to day at all as girlfriend is very successful. So I'm just leaching...

Friends - if you can measure a person by their friends then I'm zero. I mean zero, not one person. My fault, there fault it, it doesn't really matter.

Health - other than this(!) ok really, standard weight, normal height, don't smoke, drink or do drugs. Eat reasonably healthily and do sport sporadically when it's either sunny and/or I have a spark of inspiration. Tried routines, lasted a week before a bad day threw it all off.

Career - down the pooper! Can't return to full time teaching, know I can't do that. To 'stuck up' for want of a better word to take a shop job knowing I trained to be a teacher. Also can't find another job that is term time only (to spend time with partner). I'd struggle in ANY job anyway. Too overqualified for most things that might suit purpose. Supply is possibility but that means new people and stuff every day - not my string point! Plus it means phone calls for availability and I can't talk on phone! Pathetic, whinging, excuse riddled crap eh? Not on benefits or anything as gf is on plentiful wage.

Looks - awful, have the face of a teenager who can't grow even a hint of a moustache never mind a beard which means I'm constantly asked for ID (or my parents if a knock at the door) despite being 34!!! People say you should be flattered but to me it feels like a kick in the face - maybe it's the bloke thing, it's like people telling you you're a child. I almost am a child... My facial skin is awful too, no creams or regimes suggested by the girlfriend work so I've just given up. Maybe I'm an expert at giving up!! To be fair, all things above have been tried for at least 6 months from drugs to therapy to face cream!

I do appreciate your help/advice. I still wonder if it's just character rather than depression. Maybe I'm just a cynical, boring, lonely, ugly loner. That's fine when it's just you, a killer when you feel you're holding others back from a 'proper' life.

Reading your issues, I feel that I am reading about myself, maybe I am worst than you.

Is it good or bad, happy or sad to know that I and you are not alone?

So you and I are normal, there are many people around us feeling this way.

Solution?  I have none else i will not be here looking for an answer.

The only thing i know and can keep me going is

- Don't give up

- God have a plan

All I know is we are part of the future and the history of this world. Only God knows our purpose in this world.

Live life and do what we can, there are many things that we can't do and we can't change, there are still little things that we can do.

We are just a drop of water in the ocean but we still make up a part of the ocean.

Hope things get better for you and me.

​I hope things improve for you,hopefully your faith gives you a base to work from and you turn around those feelings you have. If you believe what you have written then I feel you are closer than you think you are to accepting/being happy.

​I'm as tired as I've ever been. Tired, bored and had enough. I can't even think of a positive thing to say. I think I'm ready to sleep now.

As regards the drug route, a lot of people have suggested this. However one major issue stops me and is not really ever talked about - I'm terrified of people/meetings etc! So I can't see a Doctor! When at my lowest I was being ferried around so had no choice and needed a Doctors note etc but now the thought of seeing a Doctor (or any body I know I have to talk to) terrifies me to the point I'd almost have a panic attack. So not sure what to do there really! Still not convinced on the drug thing anyway - it only made me slightly manic (obsessed with projects) and had no effect on my overall mood at all, well other than making the idea of 'going' seem even more rational.

So instead of me whinging on and on let me just make a few completely uneducated comments regarding your situation. You don't seem depressed so much as tired! I don't mean that in a dismissive way but you clearly have a lot on your plate and I think (if there is any) you need some support. I'd go as far as saying I doubt the drugs are halping you - they seem to be treating a symptom not a cause.

Did you have anxiety before all the pressures you're under? I think you'd feel a hell of a lot better quicker if you directed your energy to finding financial and/or respite support if there is any. You're probably doing too much and it's impacting on your health physically and emotionally. If there isn't any further help then, other than shaking your head at the hand you've been dealt, then you seem to have a good plan of action at the moment. If that plan could be super organised to include you (as in time for yourself etc) and maybe incorporate a job (if you so wished) you may find you were in control a bit more.

I'm not trying to sound dismissive at all I promise! You have a compelling reason to feel the way you do and I acknowledge I'm talking without all the facts. I just get the sense it's a lack of control on a very hectic/ emotional draining life that is you're primary concern. For example, if you won the lottery and could deal with all the bills and give the care to your daughter you wish do you think you'd feel infinitely better? You're depressed because of the situation I think so hopefully either you, or you and others, could plan a route that would help you considerably. I think there is a lot of hope for you to be VERY happy and enjoy your life with your daughter but you've just been struggling for years and it's worn you down. Asking for help (other than medicinal) is the right way to go.

Your girlfriend obviously doesn't think you are pathetic otherwise she wouldn't be with you.  Leaving her because you believe you are a burden would just devastate her and break her heart so please don't follow that path.  You sound like you are a very intelligent guy and would have no problems getting another job.  I guess it is just working out what you want to do.

Also, there doesn't have to be a reason to suffer from depression.  A lot of people have a genetic dispostion for depression.  My Dad, sister and brother all have bipolar.  Two of my Uncles are alcoholics (depression related) and I have a cousin who committed suicide in his teens...  I guess it is how we treat/control our depression that matters.

On a last note, what is so wrong about being ordinary?  99 per cent of the population is made up of ordinary people just going about their lives.  It is the media that skews this perception.

You sound like you have a very clear plan, you almost sound excited! I'm sure you are, but if you're not do, but make that your focus and you may feel the clouds lift quite a lot! I envy that purpose, or goal or action plan - I can't think of any!

I think my girlfriend might stay with someone she felt sorry for, like a responsibility for so to speak. I think she WOULD be sad if I 'left' but she'd be happy again a lot sooner than having to live with me! It's quite analytical, I recognise that, but to me I'd rather her be sad for a year with 'loss' rather than sad for 20 years with me! It's weighing up value, short term pain for long term gain... As for a job, my head stops me, I feel I can do most jobs but only temporarily as my head messes me up, messes my professional relationships up and I just can't see how I can hold down a job - it's hard to explain, but being sociable (like you have to be at work) is almost physically draining and eventually my energy runs out and I drop all the balls I'm juggling.

You may be right about reason for depression but the genetic one concerns me most - that means I'll never be 'fixed'... I'd rather just give up now.

Ordinary to me is depressing. Ordinary is forgetable, ordinary is boring, ordinary doesn't 'exist'. To give you a glimpse of my thinking; the popular kids in school were 'exceptional', but even the bullied kids had something about them. When you're average, you're invisible. You can take the (friendly) mick out of someone who's bad at something, you can admire the talent of someone who's great at something, but when someone is average it's just a shrug, no story, move on. I'm genuinely the most forgettable man in the world! I'm one of a large group of siblings, I'm one forgotten in family dos, I was one forgotten at school (old teacher remembered all siblings during catch up chat to parents bar me) I'm one forgotten at work - I really am a waste of space!

The media's main fault is trying to make people believe that happy endings exist, that we all have a hidden talent and if you want something enough then it magically comes true. Sorry, my view is very much it doesn't! It doesn't 'all work out in the end' and we're just fed this fantasy world that depresses us when the reality slaps us in the face!

Sorry - trying so hard not to just 'release' on here....

I have to assume girlfriend stays through pity or hope of a better time, there isn't a single other reason I can think of. She met me while I was 'faking' it, but never signed up for this.

Thanks for your replies though.

I too have multiple issues with religion (that's a real rant!) but I don't think anyone has the right to judge another. I would never judge anyone else as worthless, but I know myself and can judge myself. I stand by that judgement based on what I know, what I do, what I think and the proof I have. A person suffering from anorexia will ignore the scales reading too low a weight, I suffer from no dilusions. Everything points to me being everything I think I am.

You sound like a much better person than me, you maintain strength in difficulty and have the fight in you to counter injustice. I can barely face people so volunteering is out of the question, whether that is lazy or cowardly, I simply can't pretend to be 'normal' any more and public is so much energy.

I am a faceless person on here. The reality of me is much worse.