I'm tired of life, with little reason, not dramatic - just 'done'...

I care a lot about most people, more than is healthy perhaps. I take on others problems if I can and feel more useful if I'm helping someone else. I'm often accused of making people's decisions for them regarding me though, although I don't see that as an issue if I'm protecting them. For example I say I should leave gf to protect her, she and family say it's her decision to give up on me not mine. I still struggle a lot with that way of thinking. I feel you should protect people, even from themselves sometimes.

A reply after 8 months due to some shift.... bit more mundane I'm afraid, someone replied after a long time, put effort in to their thread and I had an email telling me so I felt it was polite to respond! Sorry!

Is 'holding back' a strange metaphor?! :D But yeah, maybe that's what it is - in fact it'd be easier to escape as I have no upper body strength at all! But it's meant more in the way that if I struggle through on the low level I am my girlfriend will put up with it and not have the marrigate, house, holidays, and have to basically look after me (phone calls, sorting anything that invloves others, avoiding social events to look after me) where as if I went, she'd be sad for a while, perhaps never even forget, but move on and get a 'proper' boyfriend and get all that stuff. She didn't sign up for this - she met the fake easy-going confident full time teacher with prospects...!

Is there such thing as too much time on a computer?! I didn't realise! I filled in a survey the other day - it said how long do you spend on the interent a day. I was strugling to find the 'all day' option!

At first I got so many similarities to the ones you've described (experienced or imagined due to age) that I didn't even wanted to bother of adding anything since I feel the same as you and many people that I've seen responding,eventually no hope could be ananswer for accepting this constant feeling.But after seeing this reply I even made an account to ask,or even suggest ,if love could offer support for reason in life since good points where made and didn't see something close.Finding a girlfriend is great,but not in being fake,therefore I feel that true love could be something helpfull if it would be at a levell she loves you as beeing a burden,but I may bee romanticly over fantasising the whole perception you may have uppon this and then your dilemma is perfectly understandable for me,but without other answer as a solution. I say this in the best possible manner as you are another great person which can have a chance even for herself,altough we want to help others rather that ourselves.And for staying on the internet is to long after you begin sleeping.

It's strange talking on the internet as you answer one comment but then someone else adds an extension question, but all of it is stuff you've thought before. Does that make sense?! Another words, whilst I offer my opinion on a particular though process it doesn't mean I've not actually gone far beyond that in my own thinking.

So to answer your very well thoughout view, it is all stuff I have thought of before and almost counted out! I'm just a whiner obviously

If I did what I want I'd be sportsman, but then we have to be realistic and say that isn't going to bring in any wage! Besides, I also know I struggle in team situations in reality as I struggle with the bravado that is especially prevalent in male sports. So what else do I enjoy, genuinely, nothing. But even I recognise that might be an extension of my apathy. Teaching is fun, I love working with kids... but the other teachers, parents, Ofsted, paperwork, and most constant judgement of any career makes it impossible. On a side note, if you have any issues with self confidence, teaching is NOT the way to go! I've never known a career in which you're so reguarly scutinised and there's always something you could have done better - and if you're of a fragile nature you naturally only focus on that.

No jobs don't have to be people based, I too have worked in media as a journalist (although that is people based!) but can't think of anything I'd enjoy or, more pertinently, be able to do - skill, time or wage wise! Setting up a cattery would be nice, but need money for that. Being an architect always appealed by I have neither the time (course duration) or the skills to do it!

I'm not sure if this is normal or not; I struggle with people but also struggle alone. It's not like once I have escaped people I feel relaxed. Maybe I'm in a sydrome called 'grass is always greener'! When left alone I am even more self destructive in my thoughts - thinking time is not good time.

I do appreciate you saying 'maybe there isn't anything you massively excel in' - it's those kind of statements that make me think people are writing realistically rather than using a softly softly approach. It's not like negatives are the only reality but I can only begin to believe a statement if people acknowledge the bad. People saying "I'm sure you're good at x" just makes me turn off, someone saying "Ok, you're crap at that BUT try...." is much more realistic. Unfortunately I haven't found the good thing!

I know that 'you'd be better off' is an extremely frustrating statement. The question is, do you reveal what you're thinking or keep it to yourself? I always say 'be careful what you ask or you might not like the answer', but if I'm being asked to open up and not bottle feelings then where is the line on what is acceptable to share and what isn't? I can't help very strongly feeling that.

I do think time heals and it seems logical to reduce any pain to it's minimum; a year or so after I'm gone or a lifetime of regrets, missed opportunities and struggles with me around. I can't do the whole marriage, kids thing. I am next to useless when it comes to mortgages and luxuries. We all start with dreams of being rich and famous and having everything we want, we then give up certain dreams as childhood subsides and reality kicks in, as we get older we give up more and more dreams as we can't achieve them. But once you've given up every dream, don't you just fade away? A very old person knows they will not travel the world again, they know they can not look like a 30 year old movie star, their wish may be to see a grandchild go to university or even simply to reach 100. But once you've done everything you can do, or know you will ever do, then, to me, it feels like it's time to go.

I tried the meds, ok only once, but it didn't work. I can't face going back to the doctors again and having to talk about all this. It feel so pathetic talking to a grown man about my piddly stupid head. There's people going in there with proper problems, or at least fixable ones!

Am I afraid of death? Not really, the thought of it is very much in my head. And I mean the actual thought, not the before or the after, the thought of that last breath then nothing. I don't think greatly of the drama of after a death (like 'oh people will miss me etc etc) I just am transfixed on the thought of that very last spark of the brain. It will come one day. Whilst I'm very careful not to talk about suicide on here ('gone' or 'left' being much friendlier terms) I know I'd never make me passing traumatic for train divers, dog walkers or unsuspecting family members.

Bungee-jumping, skydiving or Vegas all sound great. But that's where the reality sets in, how exactly am I paying for this?! If there was one thing that I think would have the greatest impact on my mental health it'd be winning the lottery - I could then distract myself with things, or feel like I was providing for my family. I'd still have those demons, I'd still avoid people, I'd still have no friends etc, but instead of stewing I'd be being kept busy on a beach in Hawaii! Money doesn't solve everything, but it makes the low points easier to deal with as you can more readily escape. I do love travel that being said, and when ever I can afford it I do.

I'm never going to feel differently to the way I do... that's as far as I'm willing to agree with your last statement! I've actually tried the big changes, I've tried doing the things that scare me or out of my comfort zone. I went to University alone, along way away from family, I travelled Europe camping for a summer, I took on jobs I didn't think I could do, I moved to new areas with no contacts. I think I've done everything I'm 'supposed' to improve myself and my thinking. But none of it worked, all of is (possibly self-inflicted) failed, I always reverted to 'type'.

I appreciate everyone on here giving their time to convince me otherwise. I have never doubted there are very nice people in this world, just as there are horrible ones. I do believe the horrible ones get a 'better' life but that's a different conversation. But I'm beginning to find that me answering these views is just making me more sure I'm right - I'm a hopeless case.

Whether it's depression, anxiety, personality, whining, my fault, other's fault, luck or time it now kind of strikes me as irrelevant. I'm at this destination, there are no more stops. 

You don't have to be a sportsman in terms of career, just do it on the side, something to keep the week interesting. No offence intended, but if you are not working, socialising, going out or doing anything then, why wouldn't you feel down, hopeless and depressed? You'd have to be a very special type of person not to be! 

I understand your fear of doctors, genuinely :P but, in my totally non-professional view, it sounds like your anxiety is what's gripped you and thrown you into the depressive state: none of your symptoms/views or opinions are new, none of them are unique in the grand scheme of things, there are thousands, ney - millions with the same view of life, there's just far fewer on these specific forums to connect and compare with.

Back in regards to your girlfriend, you say you love her - completely believe this, you say you think she is better off without you and that she would be ok etc. - you wrote this thread eight months ago...why stay with her? Why not break it off if everything has been finalised in your head? If you truly have no future with this girl wouldn't you end the relationship rather than string it a long? 

The final comment I will make is that to me, if you went and saw the GP - maybe bring a long your girlfriend or somebody who makes you feel a bit more at ease, don't see a male GP, personally I never do. My own GP told me that female doctors are usually a lot more compassionate, regardless. Sort out your anxiety, that's the main thing that's holding you back, yes a drug that may work wonders for one person may not make a difference to you and no, they are not a magic fix and won't make everything better in a few weeks - it's trial and error and it takes a very long time. You say your opinion is accurate but everything you have tried that may have helped you out in the long run, you gave up on before it could take effect.

I wouldn't focus too much on the whole "I don't have genuine reason to be depressed" because no matter what the reason, there will always be somebody worse off than you. A lot of people get depressed for no apparent reason, it's a very unfortunate but very real part of life.

Again, I'm no professional and my opinion in reality means nothing, I'm just a stranger trying to give you a kick 

***That's not to say that there aren't absolutely amazing male GPs out there because there is many incredible male GPs - I just understand that talking to a male GP for a man can be more intimidating

Kick away!

Fair enough, I don't do much at the moment. I occasionally do a little bit of exercising (jogging/cycling) but a grey cloud, real or metaphorical, quickly kills any energy I have! I don't think it's the lack of doing anything that causes this however, I'm still 'better' than when I was at work/ socialising - but then if this is the best it gets... well.

I have visitied the Doctor, and for the record he was really nice. Very supportive in fact. But it didn't change the fact I felt stupid and as if I was wasting his, and others, time. I remember being really worked up about the fact our appointment slot was overunning because I felt like I was holiding up other people. But I did that because my girlfriend was with me at all times (and forced me!) and because I needed to get a Doctors note for work. Now I no longer work, I no longer need to waste people's time. But you're right, I'm an expert in giving up!

The girlfriend question comment is a difficult one and the one I battle every day more than anything else. If I leave her there is nowhere to go, that really is it. I mean that in the practical sense here, house etc but also it means that really is the end. I stay through her appeals and for maybe that ounce of hope that she, and others, are right that it'll pass. Although I've always been like this. I'm not staying with her for ease, or to string her along, but leaving her really is a final decision - I have no belief there is something better than her. Probably makes no sense. The 1% hope keeps me alive, therefore the 1% keeps me here. If I lose the here, I have absolutely zero interest in the alive.

I really do appreciate your replies, a constructive kick is better than a compassionate hug for me. But I can't find that kick that I can't talk my way around or explain away. I hate my head! I have actually tried everything I'm supposed to, maybe not for long enough, but I've seen zero difference. Leaving work calmed me down and made me able to uncurl from a ball but does that mean I can never return to a job? That then creates different problems emotionally and financially.

I saw the CBT guy but, nice as he was, he tried a religious route with me (never going to work) and I put on my fake chatty character for the hour, even if I was tired afterwards. It didn't do anything. Even if I try to get refered again by the Doctor, I'd actually be scared that I'd be seeing him again, or be seen to have asked not for him - and although I'm fairly sure he wouldn't care, it genuinely freaks me out! How messed up is that?!

I'm actually ok, if I prepare well, for an hour or so around people - I can seem easy going and chatty, any longer than that and it gets difficult. If I can't prepare, i.e. I know there will be questions I'm not expecting or it's someone I feel who will judge me e.g. a car mechanic as a 'guy' then I can't do it. How silly is this - I still get uneasy surrounded by teenage girls! I'm not in the remotest bit interested in them obviously, but just the feeling of inadequacy/ that I'm a loser makes me feel 'weird'. Same with family, there is a duration before it gets too personal; I can feel myself being overly happy and lively around them as if it's all pouring out on first meeting them but that there is a finite amount and then my energy drops and I disappear.

Grrr.... I'm whining again. Shoot me. 

I, and this thread, are probably not the best avenue to seek answers. It's very much a 'give up' thread the way it's going!

Start your own thread. Tell your story if you want, writing it down can help clarify what areas of your life make you feel the way you do. You may have a reason when you just keep writing.

I'm not going to give you the easy answer and say "I'm sure you're amazing" as I don't know you and that's just not realistic. I know nothing about you.

However, on these boards are a lot of clever, kind, insightful people so they would be much better placed to help you than me. I don't think us mutually agreeing how tiring life is will help either of us.

I'm not seeking answers. I did post my own thread just to let it out, and got typical responses. I just wanted to let you know that I'm giving up with you.

Typical responces in themselves are not a bad thing, but perhaps too generic for most people. However, with limited information they are the only thing that can be given to you.

I don't feel you can give up until you've tried. So you'll need to talk to someone on here, close to you, a doctor or a therapist or someone. You need to gve them a lot of information.

If you've done all that and still feel like giving up then I fully sympathise. Just try to avoid giving one line sentences as that is not sharing, that is a call for help and you'd be much better seeking moe immediate attention like the Samaritans etc (unless you're scared of phone calls like me!)

I do symathise, but you need to share and you need to try first.

I love the way you write! It sounds really verbal! Very nice of you to sign up to reply. How weird is this though; I didn't think I had paranoia but you almost sound like my little sister! I know you're not, but in my head I'm beginning to wonder whether I should write on here!

I probably do have depression, I acknowledge that. I think my personality might not help but I agree, depression is likely. I have social anxiety, I over think far too much, I have mild symptoms of OCD, I have some body issues, I hide my trichotillomania well being male (face) and I'm somewhat of a perfectionist or idealist - if I could have done it better then it was crap.

Genetically speaking there doesn't seem to be any history of it in my family. Because of the way my last job blew up, my parents became more aware of the situation. That's not to say they were completely blind to it, but it became more of a discussion. My parents have both had depression due to work but were fine before and after the event that caused it (tribunals etc) but they don't really understand the 'lack of reason' side of it. I shared with them for a while, on both ups and downs, but got the impression it was upsetting them so have largely stopped talking about it. I never mentioned suicide to them. Again, due to the situation my older sister became aware and she too pressed a little but there is a limit you want to talk about things when all it does is upset people and they can't help you anyway. I have not talked about it with other family members. I'm already known as the depressing one, so I try to sound super happy when I'm around family now. I was told that the reason I'm, at least subconciously, left out in family gatherings is because I'm quiet/ serious/ boring (actual terms!). I'm aware they'd care if I wasn't here - most people are genetically programmed to protect their kin, but my absence would make no difference really. I now spend Xmas away from family, I'm fairly sure they're happier for it! I hate being a chore. I love your statement about it being 'disgusting sweet s*t' - that's so very much my style, even in the depths it's very much black humour, sarcasm etc - struggle with sweet stuff!

Outside my family there is just my girlfriend. That sounds extreme, but it's really not. I don't have a single other friend, that is equally my fault. But I talk to no one from University days, no ex colleagues etc. I know no-one else. Partially I like it that way, it's easy and I don't feel like a burden, on the other hand I feel like some of them could have fought to 'look after me' - they all gave up very easily. I know that's not fair. You shouldn't test your friends. But on the other hand, if I really cared for someone and knew they were struggling emotionally, I'd put in a little more effort. I wasn't ever mean or snappy with them, I just kind of disappeared. But it's not their job to understand mental issues, they have their own busy lives with their own problems.

So I sometimes speak to my girlfriend, less so these days though. When it all hit the fan I had no choice but to share everything with her, not that it was brand new information of anything - I've been with her for a long time. But maybe the intensity of the feelings was new, of the fact they were always there. But again, there's very little she can do so why depress her. I don't want to see her cry because of me. So I've largely stopped talking about things, in a way that might give her the impression I'm improving. Occasionally stuff slips out, or I sarcastically mention 'leaving' but I cover it well now. I still tell her to find someone else, I cover it in a light/jokey way but, although I'm not stupid and I know she sees though it, it is kind of an acceptable level of sharing.

You're right about social anxiety too. That I fully recognise. I care way more than I should, or want to, about others thoughts. Doesn't stop it though. I do analyse everything I've said and done before and after events but I can't forget it - really stupid example; I still remember saying something that was taken the mick out of at school, probably really mildly, and that was about twenty five years ago! How the hell can I get over this when I still stew over stuff I said when I was 9?!

Despite seeing every flaw in myself I don't take criticism well, not in a grumpy way but in a defeatest way. If I'm told a million things are good but 'this' needs improving then it was an awful experience. I know that is both ridiculous and common but want it stop effecting me so much. In complete contrast I am very patient and forgiving of others, I'll always see the other side of the argument and I'll happily give people as much time as they need. I'm the epitomy of 'do as I say, not as I do!'. I know where I'm going wrong, I know my thought processes are messed up, but I just don't know how to fix them. I can't think of many situations where I've felt 'better' than anyone else - the closest I get it wondering why horrible people in this world are more likely to succeed; stupidity is rewarded (TOWIE type), rudeness is applauded (Cowell), stabbing people in the back is relabled 'ambition', and generous people get walked on and criminals win the lottery!

I'm really happy you've started to figure your life out. You sound very intelligent and in control. You also mentioned being in school so I suspect you are quite young; for you to have such a good grip on your feelings and recognise triggers and mental health issues is quite impressive. Is it an avenue you have interest in? I'm genuinely happy you have got such a grip on it early, understanding it early may help you in the long run - I don't know, but I suspect the longer this is left the harder it is to undo the 'learning to hate yourself' that is embedded in to you. Much like whe I used to teach, the longer you left a mistake/misconception with a child the harder it was to 'unteach' it - so I just have 34 years to unteach myself!

And you're definitely not my little sister are you?!

I mean this with the greatest respect, but would you not be better finding support in your native language?

You sound like you have identified the issues that are causing your depression and sound like you may be able to talk through your fears and problems but I'm concerned you may struggle to clearly express yourself if you're speaking in a foreign language.

Don't get me wrong, you're English is far better than my non-existant Russian! I just think you need to be able to talk freely and that could be hard if English is not your first language.

not at all ..i understand english very well...but not very well or flawless to it because i dont have such a company (friends etc.) to talk with ...actually the fact is that i'm from india ....and guys with me don't love english that much as i...they make fun of me when i listen english songs....

i use to watch english movies more than hindi....my fav. band/singer is not from india....its IMAGINE DRAGONS (hope you heard bout'em)...My fav. actor is Mark Wahlberg...overall i love english......that's different thing that hindi is my mothertongue

So you're an Indian person living in Russia speaking English... That's bloomin impressive! But I still maintain you might find it tricky to express yourself in a personal way in a language other than your home one.

However, don't let me discourage you if you feel it is benefitting you in anyway. You sound slightly lonely but I imagine that is largely due to your personal circumstances and possibly a short term thing while you sort your education in medicine. Keep that goal in mind and the time will fly. Once you've qualified you will probably have a lot more choices and can then choose where to be. If you're going to these lengths to follow your profession then you clearly enjoy it so that's another thing that is good.

I'm sure you could find like minded people local to you if you looked. There are very few 'unique' people in this world that you wouldn't have something in common with. But I'm not sure if you've fully explained what's wrong, what's making you unhappy.

Imagine dragons are very good, Mark Wahlberg not so much

Started reading and replying but there's no point. Everybody has a brain. Every brain has a function. You are the boss. The functions all require your attention. Mood, behaviour, rationality, sight and sound etc but some of us including me in the past has focused on one part of it. MEMORY !

can't fix it, understand it or justify it so I will live my Living days thinking about it and spend my dying days wondering why I did.

There can only be one way out. That is to accept that one day there will be answers but today I live for today.

Your postings are very relevant. Have you come any further now and can help with the experience please?