I'm tired of life, with little reason, not dramatic - just 'done'...

I feel like I could easily spend hours and hours writing to you as regards your mindset and its direct correlation with teaching in particular, however it's probably not a suitable place and is arguably still too public.

I recognise issues can tip you over the edge and it certainly sounds like you have plenty of reasons to not be happy at the moment. You have clarified that it wasn't just a bad experience but a career tthreatening one. So whilst my advice to speak to fellow teachers on TES may help with the more general issues, you sound like you're getting the right support and advice in dealing with the bigger picture. I can empathise, I had a similar issue with unions and cases etc (capability procedures against me which were eventually proven to be bullying from them) but I can say even after that experience I have found occasional good schools/ staff. I don't believe all children are lovely, I'm not stupid ha ha! But, and this might be more relevant in Primary, I still believe it is the staff that largely dictate the environment you work in, from direct interaction with you to how the kids respond to them, the routines and the expectations. 

I can't empathise with any discrimination you feel you have had but I would say, as you probably well know, that general statements such as x industry or y people don't like me working there isn't fair as there are varying individuals in every part of life and some (hopefully a majority) would not discriminate at all. The closest I have felt to discrimination would be being a male in a very female dominated and being openly questioned and judged or secluded for that. But I would never suggest all teachers or education is like that, it's just unfortunate there are any.

I recognise the want to give up. I really do. In fact, in short periods, I would argue it's a good thing to do. Especially in your circumstances, maybe a time out and a recharge is what you need before you make any decisions.

I'll ignore you advice to not try to hard, I agree with it, but it's probably not very healthy! One slightly cheesy line I sometimes repeat to myself is "how can you be happy if you've never been sad?" You need to know there are peaks and troughs and the zombie, nothing effects you life won't help. I know I'm sad now, I know that I've been sad for ages but I just hope that means that I'll recognise and appreciate if and when I'm happy. If that makes any sense...!

One final note, and apologies for any further assumptions, but you actually come across as quite the opposite from giving up. You sound like you have a lot of fight in you, anger and disappointment in the world and with that will inside you, you may find some form of talk therapy wouod help you greatly with every aspect that gets you down. Therapy doesn't work for me because I can't escape the blame I put on myself, the dislike I have for myself and my unwillingness to fight or talk through apathy. But you sound like you may benefit as you seem to show signs that you know you're good at things and have that desire to change the world!

Good luck with your next steps anyway

I apologise for this post to be slighly off the run of the mill.  I don,t really know why this needs to be mentioned, other than the fact that it had such a profound impact on me....(.As brief as poss)...2years ago I was daily visiting my Dad as he fought his cancer.( which I might add survived x2 ). Anyway it was on one of these such visits I came across the cancer unit specifically for teens. As I peered through the glass at them, all I could see was fun, laughter, lots of laughter it was almost infectious. In that brief moment a huge wave of guilt came over me...guilt for feeling so sorry for myself. The thought of losing my Dad, tearing away at me piece by piece. So many people fighting for each breath, a new day etc and yet they still found some form of enjoyment from the desperate situation that they were in..How dare I sit in this huge pile of self pity?, What right did I have contemplating my own demise?. A very humbling experience for me how could it not be for anyone?. This brief encounter completely put things into some form of order, order in my chaotic mind..I am not for one minute implying that wallowing in self pity is your style.  Just thought I would share..Good Luck jx

I'll be brief in my response as I recognise it is kind of unarguable!

First great that your Dad survived twice and pleased that, whatever the trigger was exactly, that the process went someway to helping you form order in your mind.

However, I touched on it previous messages to posters - you are a hundred percent correct in that perspective should mean that a majority of those with depression/ anxiety/ other mental health issues should find it easy to see how lucky they are. Unfortunately it doesn't work like that, otherwise no-one well off would suffer, no-one with great health would suffer. The mind understands but still can not process.

I will not speak for others but as valid a comment as yours is about perspective, and one I have thought of a billion times before too (why can't I just be happy, people in 3rd world countries would love to be in my shoes), it doesn't work and worse still, can make my thought processes even worse as I beat myself up for being depressed when I have no right to. Further knocking my self-worth! Another words, when I think of your perfectly fair comment myself, I hate myself even more than I currently do.

I have no reason to feel like this, a lot of people above me do - lost love, money issues, health issues, work issues, troubled past etc... so that just makes me even more pathetic, even more useless, even more disgusting a waste of space that I can't get... perspective.

Please don't see this as me attacking you, I'm really not!! I'm glad it worked for you - my attack is at myself!!

Please don,t continue to attack yourself over this. You are not pathetic or a waste of space, you are depressed.  I can,t even imagine not knowing the reason why you feel the way you do,  more difficult I can only guess .. Being able to express why xyz is happening makes those of us that feel depressed get some respite from the merry go round of looking for the answer.....Sometimes we don,t find the answer. I genuinely apologise to you, for causing you more distress and anguish as that was not my intention at all...Sorry rsjg ( and that was the brief version ) take care jx

Please don't apologise - all me, none you! I must admit I half envy those that have a good reason to feel the way they do, but then again I don't envy the frustration at not being able to fix or forget the causes people recognise.

Screw it, today I'm basically listening to Rachel Platten's 'Fight Song' on repeat at the highest possible volume in the hope it'll turn me 'off' for even just one day. I might be acting like a teenage girl but it's half working!

'Starting right now I'll be strong...'

Hi Rsjg,

Sorry it's taken me so long to reply. Given your own experience of the British education system and its circumlocutory bureaucratic procedures, you can no doubt appreciate that I was up to my neck in red tape. So much so I could easily have hung myself several times over. Anyway I am here to report that fortunately I have not had to resort to that. The other main reason I stopped by was just to let you know that the allegation against me mounted by a child wanting to get a teacher into trouble, just because they could, HAS BEEN DROPPED! When the police sought a statement, the family and child ignored all queries. Multiple messages were left by the school and liaison officer which they didnt bother to respond to over a two month interval so it is all now pretty much done and dusted. I'm just waiting for the paperwork to come through which is a mere formality. In other words, NO FURTHER ACTION IS GOING TO BE TAKEN. I am deeply relieved and it is gratifying to know that at least sometimes the wrongly accused do get some justice in this world. Having said that, the whole ordeal has deeply shaken my faith in the state education system and certainly proven to me how vulnerable teachers are within it. So I think I may look at a new career or at least make a return to tutoring and or dance instruction. SO HOW DO I FEEL NOW MENTALLY? LIKE A WHOLE TRUCK LOAD HAS BEEN UNLOADED, THANK GOD!!! However it is early days of my new job seeking routine so no doubt that will throw up some significant hurdles. Furthermore the "other stuff " I need to sort out in my life/head and or fight for will take time, so yes I think a return to a therapist will be my next port of call.

I read something from another of yr responders who said that a gifted athlete who suffered a chronic injury and was never quite able to get back to peak performance decided to top himself. "Hmm" I thought to myself, I can definitely relate. [Sorry if that sounds terribly egotistical]. I also read anout yr reaction to Robin Williams. Yes I found that very disturbing also. I think poor old Robin was at times plagued by his tendency for perfectionism and the need to better his best all the time. And let's face it, who can keep that up for a lifetime??? But as well as all his inner turmoil, I think he had a profound awareness of the unfairness and chaos of this life we all share. And I think all rolled up together, it all just got too pointless and or too painful for him to bare...Anyway that's my take on that. No bloody use to anyone quite probably, but thought I'd air those thoughts anyway.

As for you Rsjg. Glad to see you are still soldiering on. Really wish I could say something to you that would make you feel more inspired but I can't. Half the time I am so bewildered and despondent for various reasons that I understand those that dont bother with life far more than those who do. But I will say this, as pointless as this life may seem or perhaps is, IS NOT THE POINT!!! Perhaps the key is to make something of it despite how pointless it may be. Because if none of us bothered to do anything, ever, imagine what an even more vile, f%#ked up, world it would be!!!

Btw, I think you should seriously consider returning to writing in some capacity. It could be your means to survival.

 

All the Best.  ; )

Glad your extreme work issue has been all but officially sorted. Forgetting anything else, that clearly was going to bring you down! Stress must be one of the main triggers for depression. One thing I would say is don't let one experience stop you doing something - if you enjoyed your job, fight to get back doing it but just a bit more wary/wise to situations than maybe you were before. Don't let one child stop you doing it. However, if it was jsut the final straw, then by all means re-evaluate!

​Glad you're bebinning to see light at the end of the tunnel. Like I've said before, all you need is hope. Not perfection, not an easy life, not miracles, just a realistic hope that you can do what you want. Even if it doesn't come true. Things are over when there is no hope left.

Good luck.  

Thanks again for your sound advice. Still weighing up whether mainstream teaching is really my thing to be honest given that I have also devoted a lifetime to the dance industry prior to this. Also REALLY enjoyed the four years I spent as an HSC/A-Levels English tutor. Perhaps some combination of these things will provide the balance I am seeking. Hmm, might well be time to tune into a bit of fate, or intuition or even The Almightly for some guidance on this matter.

Ok that's it from me. Hope you find a way of returning to your writing and or other interests/skills that you find satisfying. Purpose is incredibly important. In fact I hope everyone here finds that for themselves eventually. Otherwise life is pretty unbearable in my opinion.

Best of Luck!

I always feel very hypocritical when I write a response on here. It's very much do as I say rather than I do.

The first question I always say is "what would make you happy?" it's a very open question but if you can answer it then you've got an aim and you, with the helps of others, can at least work towards that aim and perhaps even enjoy the journey to some degree.

If you can't answer that question then it becomes a hell of a lot more tricky and I doubt I'd be able to talk you through it on here! That's definitely a professional job.

But starting with what you've written you give hints to problems, some which are still on going and other ones you perhaps aren't quite letting yourself forget even if they are in the past. That's perfectly normal, the trick is to get some form of closure to some degree I suppose. I often wish I had no memory!

I do believe you can't say you've failed if you haven't tried because 'I can't/ won't be able to do it'. Not saying that's what you're saying, I just mean overall. I have tried everything people have 'advised' and still failed To be fair, maybe the mindset has guaranteed that, who knows. But to my point, say with work, what job would you want and is it achievable with extra qualifications - I know plenty of people who have returned to education in the later years, utilising after work classes and just working their backsides off to get where they want to be. This might not be applicable to you of course - the experience think is ridiculous catch 22 and the only way I know to get round it is either luck or, if your field of work is suitable, offering your services for free/doing the job with no extra pay until you can leave and take that experience with you - I have been 'acting' in management roles with all the responsibilities and no pay before just to add that to my CV. But this is more careers advice...

Is wanting to die 'blamelessly' selfish? Yes. I can't see how it's not. But I understand and I wish that too. It's absolutely abhorent when you think about it - wishing to be ill when there are thousands of people who just want to be well. I wish I could swap with them but there is no getting away from the fact it's a selfish though. But, largely, isn't depression that? The complete focus on yourself and your inadequecies when you know you should be able to put it in to perspective? I've touched on this in posts before.

Listening in itself is the key to being a good listener, I try to steer away from the very male response to want to fix everything - I've learnt that a lot of women (no sweeping generalisations meant) have preferred the listening element to anything I've had to say! Just an agreeing head, a sympathetic mind, and unjudgemental approach and it can be enough to make people feel better - they get it off their chest. I wouldn't worry too much about talking unless it's a real issue, if you can hold a conversation you're like 75% of the population and just not super chatty like others.

I am still on here and I have broken a little bit with 'convention' in replying when I'm not really 'ready'. By that I mean I'm really not in a good place at all, I haven't been for a few weeks and have been trying to fight it but I can't. It feels like placing a plaster on an amputation at the moment and ever plan feels like a temporary solution to a permanent problem. I have been staying in bed for hours and hours on end just wanting to sleep, half to escape my head and half in the hope I just don't wake up!

So sorry, no I haven't found anything that has helped me but as you correctly point out at the start - we're all different so what might work for one might not work for someone else. My initial impression is you have a vague idea how to reach happiness, you just need help planning the route. Me, I don't think there is that destination any more.

I guess that's the thing - I don't know what will, so I don't know which direction to take my first steps. I have a good idea of "an environment" of a job I would like to be in, but I don't know what job/career would put me in that environment.

Yeah, I'm going to keep trying for new jobs, I got an interview on Thursday, I think what made it difficult was tat the feedbacks didn't suggest anyway I could've improved. But I guess 1 day i got to come out on top.

Definitely, some jobs you just fall into - which I kind of have with my current role actually, and I am very fortunate to be in this position compared to most people - and you are able to build on that. The problem I have with my job is that the experience I get in my current; role is not easily available in another place, or progression is limited from it.

It is selfish definitely, you're only thinking about yourself not the others around you, although I would hate to accuse anyone who was pushed to the point they saw no other option in their life other than to do so. Relating to the "listening" part, Few years ago I was talking a lot with a friend where a family member had just commited suicide. I was listening a lot, about the family, situation before and after, the letter that was left behind etc etc, but I started to think too much about the person who had commited suicide, the life they had and the process where they got to that point, and with this coming at the same time when there was  a breakdown of a relationship with people at work, I got really depressed. I would burst into tears on my break or in the toilets, didn't sleep for days and although it never managed to get to the point where I attempted suicide (Thanks to handful of close friends) I lost all energy and motivation for a long time.

Why ae you not in a good place at the moment? The same situation as to what you described initially?

Thank you for the swift reply

 

Sorry for the slight delay replying.

Maybe, and everything is only an uneducated suggestion, you would be wise to compartmentalise for a little bit. With work you need to get some proper career advice, there are plenty of places to find it I'm sure. Get the knowledge you need to know where you need to be and what you need to do to be in the environment you want to be in. Once you've got that, you'll have a better grip on where you're heading work wise.

Then, turning to the 'head' side of things, you will be able to separate the work stuff from the 'you' stuff. I think it's never a bad plan to focus on something else rather than your own thinking anyway! If you get your work stuff sorted you may find you feel better overall, you often don't notice how much one thing can impact on you until it's no longer there. If you still feel bad though, maybe it will highlight what is really the issue that had been masked before to some degree. You've got something to focus on - your job/ career - so do that, put other stuff on the back burner and then return to it if you need to. Although assuming again, you seem relatively confident in what you do, it almost isn't challenging enough.

I always feel the truth is one of the hardest elements. I don't think I can ever say committing suicide isn't selfish. It is, but that doesn't mean it's not understandable. I have got to that point, I'm sure I will again. I accept that means I'm selfish. I hope that doesn't make me a bad person. In the same way if someone is bad at their job and gets sacked - it doesn't make them a bad person it just means they weren't made for that job. Failure doesn't equal bad. And being selfish doesn't equal being horrible. I think it's an emotive word, but selfishness is sometimes a good quality to have - in fact some may advocate it from time to time to help you get straight. It's all about getting balance.

You sound like you took it to heart when you helped your friend and that shows a strong empathy you have. It may have triggered little issues you have yourself. I know a lot of therapists have therapists to help them deal with the issues they've heard. Just because you didn't know the person, their death can still hit you. Look at the out pouring of grief over the loss of life of that refugee child. You sound like you were traumatised to some degree and maybe you need to speak to someone about that. It can be particularly bad if things strike a chord with you. As for crying at everything, I completely understand.... In fact that's all I'll say. The key thing to focus on is you have a handful of friends to help you when you feel low, try to value and maintain that. I half wonder if the point I became beyond help was when I lost all mine; I pushed the away, I'd always been up and down but them finally going was probably not the best thing for me.

You sound like you've come through the worst of it to some degree, keep fighting upwards. There will always be triggers or issues that pick at our individual insecurities but the key is to find you own methods of controlling that. I think the focus on life and death is perhaps to be avoided at all costs, especially when low, as it is never a cheerful thought.

As for your last question, if you don't mind, I'm not going to answer. There is no rhyme or reason sometimes, but unfortunately I, either through life, luck or through me creating self fulfilling prophecies, am always right about my own beliefs and the facts that can not be refuted. I only ever see evidence for it. By whatever yard the measure is, it is not good. And that's cryptic enough...!

Good luck with your interview on Thursday!

That's ok, think this site was having a maintenance anyway.

"you seem relatively confident in what you do, it almost isn't challenging enough."

Spot on - and the thing is, the way the company is heading, I won't be doing that for much longer when they outsource my job to an external party and I will be put in my previous role which I worked hard to get out of and will be a major step down. This is definitely adding to the pressure and the feeling of walking towards... not my "end" but giving me a pessimistic outlook for the near future.

I just need that courage to quit - since my last post on here, I've heard that this interview I got tomorrow they have people lined up for already, and it's unlikely that I will get it. So scared to quite a job without a back up plan, I don't have parents or a partner who could financially support me and I do have a mortgage to pay (although it's probably cheaper than most rents for a similar kind of property).

True... I seem to drag work into my personal life and I don't want to, it might not help that, in an opposite way, although I haven't fallen out with people I work with as such, I don't have anyone at work that's on the same wave length like I used to when I enjoyed it to get me through the tough times at work.

No I don't think it's a bad thing either - I just don't seem to use that selfish-ness at the right moments to make my self happy. It was a bit strange when I was listening to the troubles I took it so to the heart. The person who had taken their life basically had a promising sports career where they belonged to a major sports group at a young age which was their dream, but through a serious injury then age they had to give up that dream which lead to their end. It's NOTHING like my life but I think I looked in too mcuh about what their thought process was when I was listening, piecing different parts of information together to provide an answer to how it came to this. I think I am over this incident itself, but I think the breakdown of relationships and my mind itself from it is the serious issue.

I worry about losing them too... and I lost a few after that incident. but maybe they were not THAT close to me in the first place. I don't know. I try to look at it from a third person's view about that situation back then, and I know I didn't act "perfectly" but I know why I was in a state where I could not act (or feel like I could act) in that way. Most of those who left made me feel guilty for being depressed. One of those who has stuck around is now got a depression now, and I hope I can be there for him like he was for me, and make sure not to act like those who made me feel isolated and alone.

That's ok, I have no intention of forcing it out of you. Although maybe you need to find a way to change your surroundings, friends, work, lover etc etc. I know it takes courage to do so because I'm not doing it at the moment! I did find making a list of things you want to live for (or a "list of reasons to stay alive") helped me become positive a bit... not just like "holiday/visiting another country" but even if it's like "watching the next episode of a TV Series" or a "New game that's coming out", I found that I only really had handful of reasons I felt negative about, with a lot more things to look forward to. Just that the things I feel negative about were the most difficult/awkward things to change!

Thank you anyway, I've applied for different roles in external companies now, and few recruitment agencies do want to speak to me (not that they ever lead to much in the past), maybe I should give my self a push and resign if I don't get through this interview (which is for an internal role).

I hope you do pull through, and find a new reason to be positive, whatever form that would take.

I'll keep the career talk to a minimum as I think there are probably better places you can get advice on that, either generic or for your specific line of work. What I would say is, unfortunately, you're right not to quit a job without something lined up. I know we watch these 'follow your dreams' movies but in reality you'll still have stuff to pay for and the longer you're out of work the harder it is to explain on a CV as they ask for the reasons behind the gaps and, as much as it isn't, it always just sounds like "I could'nt be bothered to stick at a job I dislike". The trick will be finding a way of enhancing your chances of getting to where you want to be through postition, interview, qulaifications or what ever other trick someone more knowledgeable than me will advice. As for not blurring the lines between work and home then you'd be a robot if you could manage it completely!

As for the person who commited suicide, you do not have to be anything like them to feel as if parts apply to you - they sounded like they had a plan and then didn't know how to acheive it when life threw a spanner in the works. Sounds a little like you. As I said, this is more professional advice that is needed and getting a doctor to refer you to a psychologist may help, it may only take a few sessions - if desperate you can even book your own for relatively little per session. Don't underestimate how things can effect you even if they don't seem that related. Robin Williams death greatly effected me despite me not being a world famous comedian with millions in the bank or being a performer and life of the party. It was the element of putting on a public front and then eventually 'it' still getting you. It can be tenuous but lots of things might have struck a chord with you.

To friends. It's a tricky one, on one hand if they did disappear then maybe they weren't good friends, on the other maybe I pushed them so hard they couldn't stay. Furthermore, maybe fear keeps them away - very few people really understand mental health issues, even if you do try to explain it to them. Hard when you can't explain it to yourself! Actually I never really told my friends I had issues, I just pushed them away and they didn't really fight. The one who knew more than others I simply think didn't understand or value the issues. I think ultimately people just gave up! I'm stubborn. Maybe I tested them to some degree too which wasn't fair, when they didn't repsond in the way I hope - everyone lost. I think what you're doing for your current friend will work because you know the thought processes, you know not to say 'just smile' or really irritating things like 'it'll all work out in the end'.... grrr, personal worst sentence you can say!

It doesn't take courage to change your life, often it takes fear. I normally change my life in a response to the 'fight or flight' response. I have changed everything about my life due to 'this', always with the intention of moving on to better things. But it doesn't work - sometimes you need to not change things and face the issues, otherwise you're just talking them to a new place and starting the same probelms from scratch until you reach the same place all over again. I have moved a fair bit, I have lost old friends and replaced them with new friends who I have now lost again. I have changed jobs to escape bad things and ended up being in exactly the same situation again in each one. I have left lovers because I feared they would be better off without me. I always change, but other than being proven right about my issues that doesn't always help! Sometimes I think it's braver to admit that it isn't because x,y and z keeps happening - it's simply because I am the problem.

The list thing is a VERY dangerous plan ha ha. In the few visits to my therapist he suggested something along those lines and thinking about it makes me feel a hundred times worse! I actually can't think of anything that I want to stay alive for, eventually you're going to miss something even if you live to 100! Nothing greatly inspires me, the few things that might (like travel) are too expensive and make me realise how much of a drain on my partner I am. In fact every dream I had is now a nightmare as the reality is they are impossible and even the most positive of person admits that with me. I am plagued by logic and unfortunately, it's rarely disputable. Doesn't matter how much you dream it or want it, you're not going to be the first 75 year old footballer! Reality sometimes gets in the way.

So when you get to the point that all your dreams and hopes are unacheivable you die a little. Whe  you start realising all the dreams and hopes of those around you are being killed my you too, then maybe that's the time I decide to leave. Anyway....

I hope your interview went well today, although I get the impression it won't have due to them lining up others. If it does fall through I strongly recommend you don't quit but speak to a a professional careers advisor (I believe they;re available at places like Job Centre? or online) and work out how to get where you want to be.

I get a strong feeling that when you're happy in work you'll find that impacts far more on the rest of your life than you realise and everything will begin to feel more manageable or you'll be able to focus on sorting them out without also worrying about work. Good luck.

Yeah I think I am going to different recruiters at the moment and with the ones I've already tried, they've been generally helpful in the past (I guess they want commission at the end of the day). The idea of quitting has become stronger as quite a number of people in the company have quitted , been sacked or made redundant recently, they've gone to do different things, new jobs, travelling etc. or just a break and I guess that idea of leaving, it just comes in my head more.

No course not - I remember I was upset in a similar way when I once read an article of a couple who suicided and I started thinking about the reasons they did (I won't go into it as it is depressing and sad) when I was reading the article. I assume with when Robin Williams passed away it was because he was a big figure when you were growing up? Or maybe the due to the characters he represented?

I know what you mean, I do feel with those that left me I was partly to blame, but at the same time they were really not the people I wanted to be around with. Say if I was able to go back in time, I COULD'VE gone to the doctors or something to take some time off work to get away from work environment, and maybe spoke to those friends back then outside in private. That most likely would've kept the friendship but then again, I think my career and work would've been affected negatively. Oh god I hate those comments!

"'just smile' or really irritating things like 'it'll all work out in the end'"

THAT, is one of the worst things you could say to a person. I had something along those lines... "If you keep working you will get out of it" or something like that. Asking someone who's very close to completely losing the will to carry on to find some strength from nowhere is a very harsh thing to say, it’s like pushing someone who’s standing on a cliff edge.

I remember one of the “friends” was upset because I didn’t tell them the issues I was having, and that they heard from another person who had… “I’m very upset that you didn’t talk to me about this”, but didn’t touch the actual subject of why I was feeling down, I just remember thinking “do you actually care about anyone but yourself???”. Maybe I’m just being bitter.

I guess that’s the difference… are you doing something because you want to do it, or because you don’t want to be where you are at the moment? When you go from one job to the other, is it similar kind of job? Does the job itself not suit your personality? Like I know I never would be a salesman. I’m so much better at handling complaints (probably due to my listening habits) than being a pushy salesman, last time I changed jobs it was because my old job started to become sales focused. Haha at least you find a lover, you must have a fairly decent level of attraction, I haven’t been in a proper relationship… the closest one was when they cheated on their partner with me, and that sort of scenario has happened with me quite a few times. This seems to stem from the listening thing as well, troubled relationship, the opposite sex who will listen to them and then get with me.

Ok, don’t make a list haha. But just to give you an idea, when I made mine, the bad was just the “Work” and “Family”(Or “Parents” specifically), and for the good I listed all the TV shows, movies, places I want to go and see at some point in my life, restaurants or food I like eating, sports team I support and even unrealistic things like a Lamborghini (though I could probably go on those test drive things one day). When you talk about the logic – is it the age thing? So you can’t do something because you’re too old? I’m obviously not gonna say something stupid like “you shouldn’t give up”, somethings you just can’t do. Like that family member of a friend who killed himself, by the time he was back to full fitness from a serious injury he was over what the general idea of “peak age” of a sportsman’s career, and (from what I can make out) he was just not the talented promising star that he once was.

Thank you, the interviewers and I were pretty engaged in conversation but I don’t think I answered the questions as effectively as well as I had hoped. Not end of the world, just because a team of people concluded that I wasn’t good enough for that role it doesn’t mean there’s no one out there that is better for me. Job Centre is probably a good idea though, at least I can get an idea of steps to take. Already applied for external jobs just need to hear back.

Yeah I never been the type to work for long term plans, I know people say you should have a target etc. but if I can’t see a relatively instant result I don’t have the motivation. I did struggle at school because of this, because I couldn’t understand why what I was studying was relevant to my life. But when I went into a job and learned something new, I would pick it up so much quicker than those around me. I don’t know what it is… maybe I’m just a lazy person haha.

If you do want to talk about your current state, just say. I'm happy to listen.

Hey just a note to say I hope the job thing has become clearer over the last few days and that I had read the message, I just had brain freeze and didn't know what to write - I kind of still have it. Definitely can tell when very low as my mind shuts down, my spelling and grammar become appalling and I can't be bothered to re-read and edit!

​You sound clearer though, even over a few days which is briliant. I firmly believe all that is needed for most people is a plan and hope. People don't want everything to be perfect, they just want hope that is could be. Take that confidence you have in your abilities and let that be your focus for now, get the job sorted and then come back on here if and when you still feel you need support.

​That's not to say you're not welcome!! I just don't think it's healthy necessarily to focus on how you feel... that kind of makes no sense! I mean you need to look outward as focusing on yourself (certainly does for me) makes me feel worse and it's almost better to just live life rather than do ANY thinking!! I hope that makes sense!

​Good luck.