I'm tired of life, with little reason, not dramatic - just 'done'...
Posted , 192 users are following.
I'm not even sure I have depression, I think this may just be 'me'.
I have always been pretty useless socially, but have had a normal upbringing, no horrible experiences, have gone through education fine and even got jobs but I've never enjoyed life, never really cared and normally feel like I'm not really worth anything and, inevitably enventually, will become a burden.
I'm not going to be dramatic and say I'm going to end it, it sounds so pathetic (no offence intended to anyone) but I have thoughts of 'going' or even dreams that I could die 'blamelessly' thorugh accident or illness. Selfish I know.
I have a cycle. Get job, put on confident easy going persona, get physically tired from doing that, lose energy to maintain job, focus on negative, leave job in some form (fired/quit). Friends are much the same, play easy going fun, can't keep it up, lose or push them away. Relationships, get attracted to ones who need help, help them in anyway I can, get to a point where I feel I am no more use so should go as they'd be ultimately better off.
So, currently I've quit my job as a teacher, couldn't take it - always something to improve and with my way of thinking that just sounds like constantly someone telling you you're useless (and it backing up your own thoughts anyway) but even though I liked aspects of my job I don't think I had a passion like I see in others. I felt I'd let everyone down so disappeared, my partner/ parents got me through immediate days after my sudden departure from work and saw Doc who was nice enough - put me on medication which seemed to do very little - even after a few months. In fact it only had negative side effects so about three weeks ago I stopped taking them completely. I also started seeing a CBT person about three/four session ago but this feels like it's doing nothing at all either, we talk, I'm honest as I can be but there is some element of being 'public' and putting on that face/ jokey responses.
I dip between a wish to not be around that is forever there and seems to be backed up with wholly logical reasons that people genuinely struggle to refute to absolutely crashing panic attacks/ given up when my 'theories' are proved.
I know this sounds odd, but I don't even have the will to get 'better', largely because I don't think I can. I am just 'me'. I am negative, boring and even if it is all just selffullfillng profecies - it's still me who has done that. I'm not blaming life, or others or anything else.
A lot of the posts I read on here seem to have good reason; PTS, loss, finances etc - does anyone have no 'good' reason?
I just feel I'm never going to be happy, I am soon to be much a burden on those around me (my gf) and that, in the long run, it'd be better for all if I just went. I know my family and gf love me - but time heals, life would get better and people move on. In the long run I'm sure it wouldn't effect my family and 100% sure my gf would be better off.
Not sure if there is an answer for this, just writing. I'm not angry, I'm not hurt, I'm not even sad as such, I'm just tired...
39 likes, 393 replies
natalie_33554 rsjg
Posted
jim71551 natalie_33554
Posted
sanjna_41913 rsjg
Posted
Hey there. There is no proper solution to this as such but I believe that it is your thought process which needs change. You should talk about your problem to someone close to you or maybe vent it out by writing or engaging into some activity which requires expressing oneself such as acting or singing etc. It is good that you understand that life ahead is going to be beautiful, but what you also need to have at the moment is patience and don't lose hope. Maybe this is why after having gone through medications and therapies, you are not able to recover from your condition. I recently consulted an online forum called eWellness Expert. They have psychologists with wide experience in their field who can help you, if you require professional help. Hope this helps. Take care
ann55375 rsjg
Posted
rsjg ann55375
Posted
Mmm. I'm not sure how to reply to this. I've cut back on my responses on here as the thread seems to have taken on almost a community of its own - a place for people to say they feel similar and get responses. I read every post but feel I am far from a poster boy for success - quite the reverse.
?I would absolutely love it I could say yes I am much more upbeat but I'm not sure where you get that from! My last response to a message three months ago basically stated nothing changes. I re-read my first post and a handful of ones I've written in response to others over the years and couldn't think of one thing that I feel differently about. Still tired, still a burden, still all the things I think about myself.
?Some days are better than others, some days I can act 'normally' and no-one would notice. Other days I just hideaway. My most overriding feeling of the last few months has not been of anger, sadness or anything other than tiredness, just like I want to close my eyes, lie back and never wake up. I've sat on the edge of my bed, taken a few deep breaths, closed my eyes and just wished that it was that calm and easy to disappear.
?I still have no 'job' other than day to day stuff which is very unreliable. I still have zero friends, I still have zero social life (obvious really!) and still feel a disconnect from my family. I still feel like my gf would be better without me.
?So that's why I don't really respond on here, because I'm not sure I can really advise anyone or help you with questions like you put directly to me - nothing did it for me, I doubt anything ever will.
Sorry.
hypercat rsjg
Posted
I agree with you about your post rsjg. I have never known a post to be this long before!
I think the good news for you is that you are still here so you are getting through life somehow 3 years later. I still think counselling would help you but it wouldn't be easy and it would be long term.
Just a thought - you say you had a normal childhood? I did too in the sense that I was physically harmed or from a broken home or anything, but what I didn't realise for many years was that I was suffering from Childhood Emotional Abuse until I googled Childhood Emotional Neglect. Suddenly many things made sense as CEN isn't about what was done it is about what wasn't done.
If interested have a look at it. I got most of my info from Psych Central. It might ring some bells for you too. x
hypercat
Posted
*Should have been wasn't not was.
amy_96613 rsjg
Posted
I can't believe I found your post. By all accounts I have a great life and great husband but relate completely to "I'm just tired". How are you now? What are you doing these days? I'm having a hard time with the point to it all and somehow came across this post as searching for painless suicide methods. I just feel like I exist. I don't see a counselor or take any meds. I'm not addicted to drugs or alcohol, I have not been abused. I have fun sometimes, I laugh sometimes but, I'm just tired. Let me know how you're doing.
rsjg amy_96613
Posted
My 'status' is of no help or relevance to you. But you sound like you need help so maybe your first point of call should be a doctor.
You may find that it's an easy fix for you if someone professional looks at it - I'm not sure how long you've felt the way you do or anything but something's can be simply chemical deficiencies that are easily rectified. If you go to a doctor and still don't have any solutions then maybe this kind of forum may help.
But if you're feeling that low now and have never sought help before, the doctors should be accessed immediately. Explore all options before you give up. Good luck.
Miss_Theodora rsjg
Posted
Oh am very sorry you feel this way but please do not think of even committing suicide or just dying.Sometimes we feel that way about ourselves .Even I have felt that way too but you should keep living and not giving up in life at all.Will recommend this site's to you.
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She-artist rsjg
Posted
Rsjg I've been reading your messages and cried as I did. The way you are feeling I have felt most of my life. I want to know how you are doing? Have you found a way to cope and find some joy in life yet?
rsjg She-artist
Posted
I'll keep this short, but as you asked me directly I feel it only right to reply. I think it was the word 'cry' that caught my attention - I've been so accepting and calm about my inadequacies that I haven't cried in years...that's probably slightly odd!
In answer yes, no, not sure! Very little has changed since the first post all those years ago. Sometimes I want to sleep forever, other days I feel better but it's still there in the back of my mind at all times. I'm not sure, if I were ever asked directly, whether I would ever say I was happy - it's more what degree I'm fighting myself today.
But please don't take this as a direct response to your own issues. We're all different. Start your own thread and see if you can find any answers or actions that can help you.
I wish you all the luck in the world.
kenny93401 rsjg
Posted
dale52631 rsjg
Posted
Sometimes I am able to control the thoughts after years of reading self help books and trying various late 1970’s workshops to get “it”. Nothing helped, and at one point in my early 20’s I was afraid to be alone and afraid to be with people.
At 36 , I had a child and a husband, which gave me a measure of security. My mother, father, and sister never lived to see my child. I was very close to my mother, and she died the year before I met my husband. Then a second daughter arrived two years later in 1992.
I have officially been an empty nester since 2014 , the year my younger daughter finished school and took off for Boulder.
My husband is an excellent father, but with that, he’s much rather see our kids than ever have quality time with me. He’s not at all romantic. I have friends , but many are living retired with their husbands. My husband is in biotech and plans to work for at least another year and a half.
I was struck by your mention of helping people. I , too, like to help people . I feel most significant when I am helping my friends, but at the same time , I don’t want then to not feel better so I’ll feel needed. Ironically, I’m therapist to every one of my friends.
But back to you, when I read your entry, I felt such a kinship. I know that feeling of futility in the game of life. Sometimes you can navigate the waters and float. It’s not great, but at least there’s no undertow.
I’d like to feel some passion for something. Anything that would permit “ flow”, but sometimes there are no avenues. I’m seeing my weekly therapist tomorrow, and quite frankly, I’m tired of that , too. For a couple of months I did neurofeedback, which I thought was helping, but now, I don’t know. What is CBT?
I guess write if you feel like it. I don’t know if it helps to know I feel very similar to you. It helped me to read your comment, because I thought “ oh, I’m not the only one”. I wish us peace , inspiration, and enthusiasm. Good luck, and I’m pretty sure you’d be missed if you weren’t around.
jim71551 dale52631
Posted
It's beautiful that we all post comments here and share our experiences. You wrote that you feel very similar to poster and I very much do as well. I have friends that I used to do stuff with (hiking. Camping etc. ) I just don't anymore. Sometimes looking someone I know in the eye I can sense that they feel I'm not my old energetic outgoing self and I don't know how to change it. I tell a friend or two I can trust that I'm not feeling great, and I always hear basically to suck it up. I don't know how many people on here have constant repetitive thoughts , but I'm tired of it. The only relief is work since I need to focus , but I'm not feeling myself at all. I'm just treading water. I don't want to be here in this place. I own my own home outright. Very very little debt. I'm still relatively young (44). Good 9-5 job. Never work weekends. and here I am. I don't understand it, but whatever.
I keep thinking of insignificant things that wouldn't bother your average person. And it's impossibly lately to make it stop. I just seem to relive over and over stupid moments that in my mind I could have said something different or behaved in a different way. And almost as though I set myself up for failing down the road I sense doom sometimes. Not a good feeling. I haven't taken meds and this current bout was almost like a nervous breakdown. I'm the past due to relationships etc. I've had depressing moments, but nothing like this. I wonder what I have that finally came in so suddenly and gripped me?
-Jim