I'm tired of life, with little reason, not dramatic - just 'done'...
Posted , 192 users are following.
I'm not even sure I have depression, I think this may just be 'me'.
I have always been pretty useless socially, but have had a normal upbringing, no horrible experiences, have gone through education fine and even got jobs but I've never enjoyed life, never really cared and normally feel like I'm not really worth anything and, inevitably enventually, will become a burden.
I'm not going to be dramatic and say I'm going to end it, it sounds so pathetic (no offence intended to anyone) but I have thoughts of 'going' or even dreams that I could die 'blamelessly' thorugh accident or illness. Selfish I know.
I have a cycle. Get job, put on confident easy going persona, get physically tired from doing that, lose energy to maintain job, focus on negative, leave job in some form (fired/quit). Friends are much the same, play easy going fun, can't keep it up, lose or push them away. Relationships, get attracted to ones who need help, help them in anyway I can, get to a point where I feel I am no more use so should go as they'd be ultimately better off.
So, currently I've quit my job as a teacher, couldn't take it - always something to improve and with my way of thinking that just sounds like constantly someone telling you you're useless (and it backing up your own thoughts anyway) but even though I liked aspects of my job I don't think I had a passion like I see in others. I felt I'd let everyone down so disappeared, my partner/ parents got me through immediate days after my sudden departure from work and saw Doc who was nice enough - put me on medication which seemed to do very little - even after a few months. In fact it only had negative side effects so about three weeks ago I stopped taking them completely. I also started seeing a CBT person about three/four session ago but this feels like it's doing nothing at all either, we talk, I'm honest as I can be but there is some element of being 'public' and putting on that face/ jokey responses.
I dip between a wish to not be around that is forever there and seems to be backed up with wholly logical reasons that people genuinely struggle to refute to absolutely crashing panic attacks/ given up when my 'theories' are proved.
I know this sounds odd, but I don't even have the will to get 'better', largely because I don't think I can. I am just 'me'. I am negative, boring and even if it is all just selffullfillng profecies - it's still me who has done that. I'm not blaming life, or others or anything else.
A lot of the posts I read on here seem to have good reason; PTS, loss, finances etc - does anyone have no 'good' reason?
I just feel I'm never going to be happy, I am soon to be much a burden on those around me (my gf) and that, in the long run, it'd be better for all if I just went. I know my family and gf love me - but time heals, life would get better and people move on. In the long run I'm sure it wouldn't effect my family and 100% sure my gf would be better off.
Not sure if there is an answer for this, just writing. I'm not angry, I'm not hurt, I'm not even sad as such, I'm just tired...
39 likes, 393 replies
brian280266 rsjg
Posted
Guest rsjg
Posted
I can very much appreciate how you feel rsjg. I have a full-life with wonderful children grand kids, a wonderful job and a strength that has gotten me through most anything. But I'm very tired of being here too!!! And I am not depressed!!! And no one will convince me that I am. Drugs are not the answer. I just don't see the point anymore and that doesn't make me sick. I would never do anything to harm myself, but I'm just so done with this place. The bottom line for me is I'm very bored and alone. Mostly alone. I have hobbies that keep me sane. But I never thought I'd be alone this long after a horribly abusive 25 year marriage. I search the web often and ask Google, "What do I do with the rest of my life?" like I'm going to find some miracle cure for this life. But I happened upon this thread and just wanted to say Hi! "Hi!"
Tess_70606 rsjg
Posted
"I know this sounds odd, but I don't even have the will to get 'better', largely because I don't think I can. I am just 'me'. I am negative, boring and even if it is all just selffullfillng profecies - it's still me who has done that. I'm not blaming life, or others or anything else."
rsjg,
In my opinion, you are just responding to the accumulative effects of life (it's okay to blame life). Nearly all of us feel this way at times. Why else do you think that so many people have responded to your post? What we all have in common is the "human condition". But it's the way that you've described this state of depression...no one else has articulated it so well.
What that says to me is that you are:
* self-actualizing
* eloquent
* courageous
* emotionally intelligent
* emotionally honest (what you call "negative"
* interesting! (boring people blather on about superficial topics, you are everything BUT superficial)
Not to mention giving. Your post indicates that you are indirectly asking for help. What you've ended up with is a bunch of people who want to commiserate with you, often making your post about themselves. And what did you do? You ended up counseling them!
You also mention eventually becoming a burden to your girlfriend. Okay, that might be true. But have you considered why your girlfriend is spending her life with you? It's quite possible that she sees the same qualities in you that I (and possibly others on this board) see. Meaning, you add value to her life too. If not, she would be just another friend who has distanced themselves from you.
I realize it's been several years since you've contributed to this discussion. I'm going to assume it's because it has become an energy drain on you, which would be very understandable.
But I do hope that you are still with us and that you're enduring life the best that you can. If so, realize that you have added a lot of value to our lives--and please feel proud of that.
rsjg Tess_70606
Posted
I do still reply on here and read every comment but yes, I do find it a little tiring occasionally. I also feel chronically under qualified to help those asking for it. But if someone speaks to me directly I do reply - I've had a few private messages!
I don't respond well to compliments, I don't know how to handle them , so I will just say 'thank you' for such a lovely post. Yes I'm still here, still going! I'd love to believe your post, but I'd be lying if I said I did!
But genuinely, thank you, it means a lot
klm rsjg
Posted
Wanting to kill yourself doesn't in itself mean you are depressed or mentally unstable. Some people (and it seems like this is you) are just extremely unhappy, without an obvious cause. I have no answers for you, other than to say always try to find something....anything....to make it worthwhile being around tomorrow.
hypercat rsjg
Posted
I have been re reading some of the comments here and what strikes me is how many of us feel empty and put a mask on. How we can't find any joy from life and just see it as a burden, and feel one on those around us.
I came across something called Childhood Emotional Neglect on the internet a couple of years ago and it immediately clicked for me. It is something which until now has been virtually ignored by mental health experts but is gathering pace now. It's to do with never learning to experience and deal with our emotions through a healthy and nurturing environment. Because of this we dampen down our emotions in order to survive then either have great problems learning to reconnect with them or are unable to completely.
According to CEN emotions are what connect us to ourselves and lead us to have a rich and fulfilling emotional life. The good news is you can to some extent teach yourself how to reconnect and I am doing this right now. Have a look at this and see if it can help you. I hope so. x
sajam hypercat
Posted
This sounds like it may be helpful to me, but I couldn't see a link where you say, look at this? It clicked with me too, as now I feel I am very scared to feel anything again, let alone joy.
hypercat sajam
Posted
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/how-to-recognize-overcome-childhood-emotional-neglect-0218165
hypercat
Posted
Hi I didn't put the link on at first coz it has to be checked by the moderator. I just remembered I can put links on now without it being delayed! x
sajam hypercat
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chris54844 hypercat
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Thanks hypercat. Really useful link. I think I experienced one or more of those things from my parents. They were both single children born in the Thirties from very traditional backgrounds and would have no access to the information we have today. I cannot blame them but have never had a close relationship with them. Interestingly my sister rebelled and was a bit wild and I sort of crumpled and shut down. She has a much wider life than me now with children and a partner, whereas I keep myself to myself more but we both have suffered with a depressive outlook and suicidal thoughts. Dunno about her as we aren't close (surprise) but mine continue. Just started really addressing things now, so thanks again for your help.
hypercat chris54844
Posted
You are very welcome Chris. It always puzzled me why I had depression from childhood and have problems in relationships. I wasn't beaten or abused etc so I couldn't fathom it. When I came across CEN by chance bells started ringing very loud and it describes my childhood to a tee. Now I understand the roots of my depression. I only wish I had known about it many years ago as my whole life could have been a lot better. x
RealRaven rsjg
Posted
I pretty much understand where your coming from. I have felt like that since my divorce 12 years ago and the relationship I'm in right now really makes no sense at all to me.
I really think I would be better off gone since I have no one to start with to begin with.
niharika84118 rsjg
Posted
Hi hope you doing fine in life! its been 4years you written this article.
I would like to tell you after read your story it seems that i am reading my own!
Well iam diagnosed with BPD borderline personality disorder
And it's really difficult for me too to cope up with life when small thing makes me feel that its end of life!
I'm 35 years divorced woman from India.
Become burden on others and also lost my farther last year so I'm too much in grief that now what will happen to me who will feed me now! Im an adlut still feel helpless like a small kid!
my few friends says I am mentall
but I am not. I have mental illness not a mental retarted person!
sometimes not sometimes infact 24x7 i think to end up witg life.
i dont want to die but i cant afford to live with pain of emotions that i am worth less and no one needs me!
i am tired! hope god will call me soon
Akshaey rsjg
Posted
sajam Akshaey
Posted
That makes 3 of us - I wrote a suicide note to my best friend this morning - just done with 4 years of crying every day and lost the joy in the little things I used to love. I no longer dance when I cook and that was what defined me.
Patient sajam
Posted
Hi sallyjamand
We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologies for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.
If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The Samaritans offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.
Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet here: https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts, which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.
If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.
Kindest regards
Patient
sajam Patient
Posted
Thank you! That was helpful to read, and I do agree I am one who thinks about it, but would never be brave enough to do it, or ever that hopeless. I think perhaps it's just a means of reaching out for friendship and non-judgement. I only wish I were in the UK or Ireland, where the pressure to be young, beautiful, confident and extroverted is not as much a part of societal norms as it in here in California. Either that or back home in Australia with family.
I appreciate you caring enough to respond. Means a lot.