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I'm totally fed up with my life

Posted , 5 users are following.

onwillowbay
onwillowbay

Where do you turn when you feel all the walls closing in on you...  You feel overwhelmed by the amount of responsibility in your life ..and sometimes just don't feel like waking up....except you know people depend on you and that's why you do it...

Sleep apnea...   chronic pain, caregiver to an elderly parent, not so great marriage where I "feel" like he's in it because he "needs" me...not "loves me".....on disability and diagnosed with psychiatric disorder in addition to medical issues...

I am so lost....just wondering if anyone else feels this way.... I'm not adjusting well at all to day to day life....

2 likes, 9 replies

9 Replies

  • julian33896
    julian33896 onwillowbay

    Posted

    Hi!

    It sounds like a lot has been going on in your life recently. Have you ever tried counseling before?

    • onwillowbay
      onwillowbay julian33896

      Posted

      i've been to counseling and it helped...   I am just checking now (right when you messaged me... small world) about insurance coverage...

      I'm so overwhelmed... Don't seem to do anything right that pleases anyone... Psychologically... I am a mess... and feel like such a failure... Thank you for your fast answer....

  • shirley17649
    shirley17649 onwillowbay

    Posted

    Hi willowbay,

    Where does the adjustment come in? What has changed?

    I can sympathise with your situation as I have been there, done that myself.

    Your post on this thread is very good - you show insight and seem able to take a step back and weigh up your situation.

    My advice? Get a tiny bit of outside help. That could be a friend, neighbour, paid help if possible. That could be your crutch to help you on your way.

    Brave girl for taking this initial step.

     

  • onwillowbay
    onwillowbay

    Posted

    Short history.

    on my 4th marriage

       1st-23 years (he walked in one day and said "i don't want 2 be married to you anymore;

        2nd - 5 yrs (retired naval OFFICEr that turned out to be gay; I was his "coverup" & very naive to find out till later)

        3rd - 10 yrs (he dies of pancreaticcancer)

        4th (present)-reconnected to an old friend on FB

    last 15 years - been caregiver to elderly parents; dad passed away 9 years ago; Mother is 91 years old (not a "burden" or suffering from any disease---just troublesome at times...bossy....I still don't do things right;

    HUSBAND - was (is) extremely popular all his life   (I wasn't..but built a career as a paralegal for 40 years until disabled)

    2 dogs that I love dearly... unconditionally as they do me

    At times... I can't do anything right... by RIGHT... I mean to others liking...I love my mother but she has a tendency to sit in the chair and "point out things that need to be done" (maybe "we" (lol) could clean the house; give the dogs a grooming; mop the tile;  etc.)

    I'm NOT the trophy wife (at this age-65) that my husband was used to...  I'm Christian and suffer plus chronic pain with anxiety/depression.

    I'm just feeling like I'm losing it... last night took 4 pain pills (for pain AND to try to get to sleep)...    

    I feel like I'm sinking ....  and just sinking fast....

    If something were to happen to ME... no one in this household would survive (i.e. pay bills, mix the dog food up, walk the dogs, clean the house, etc).

    Just a real mess in my MIND....

    • hypercat
      hypercat onwillowbay

      Posted

      Hi you are spreading yourself too thin and you need to try and ease up on your responsibilities a bit - not easy I know.  Now the practical bit first - I presume you are in the UK?

      First of all can you get any carers in for your mum?   Or anyone to help with getting her up and housework etc.  Have a word with your doctor as there is help available.  

      Is your mum getting Attendance Allowance?   If not there are people who come out to help her fill the forms in.  Extra money would pay for extra help.   My mum got this and it was around £50 a week and not taxed. 

      Is there any other family members who could help out?  Enlist their help.  Old people do become very selfish - mine did.   I just used to ignore mine or laugh when she became too demanding and just carried on doing things my way.  

      As for your hubby - stuff him!   He is probably not want you wanted either is he?   If he gets funny with you answer back and try not to feel guilty. 

      One last point - you are not indispensible you know!   If you weren't there they would muddle through without you.  No one is indispensible so I am not putting you down there.  

      Are there things in life you like to do?  Like a hobby?   Well do them.  You need to start doing more things for you and this will help you cope with others demands.    You are entitled to have a life too so don't feel guilty about it.   x

       

    • shirley17649
      shirley17649 hypercat

      Posted

      I agree with hypercat. You are becoming a doormat.

      Time to stand up to them both and make them value you for the trooper you really are.

  • daniel90806
    daniel90806 onwillowbay

    Posted

    Hello. It sunds to me like your whole adult life you have been a person who has always ctaered for others and not yourself. By the way you describe your mother, she could be one of the causes from your childhood that led you to be that way. Do you have any siblings?

    With everything i have read so far onwillowbay, you need to start living your own life and to stop feeling guilty about things that are out of your control. Sure we have that duty to care for our parents but not to be inundtaed and made to feel obsesively obligated to cater for their every need and to be emotionally blackmailed to think we are not good enough. Believe me, i have a narcissistic mother and had a narcissitic father and from what you describe, nothing i ever did was good enough. They pretty much destroyed my life.

    By me writing all thsi to feels like i'm a hypocrite because i'm at the end of my tether too after what my family have done to me. But i have sought some help which i'll probably get next week because it's gotten really bad for me.

    Also, never feel that you are at fault for everything and feel like you're the one who is the cause of all the problems. It's one thing to be inundated with responsibilities but it's another thing to take them onto yourself like you feel your are obliged to do so, like it's your duty to just pile everything onto your plate.

    Sod pleasing others and trying to do anything rigbht for them. Someone who is always going to come back after taking relentless criticism is going to be given it by people who do not care and enjoy blaming you for what they cannot do for themselves. I have learned that the saying "I hate you but, donlt leave me" is a very poignant thing when it comes to how people treat you like a parasite who take and take and take, and even when they see you at your worst, still take and take.

    Start making yourself pleased. Your life was not made to serve other people unless they are your own children. You have a lfie to lead and fulfil just like everyone else. I used to think that i should be helpful and say yea to everyone. Until the 1 million yes's became 1 no, then they all threw a wobbly and turn their backs and suddenly hate you. This is where you realise these people are sucking you dry and that they have always projected their inner problems into you by making you out to be the one who is useless, worthless, good for nothing and a walkover.

    The steps you need to take, is to say NO! Then, WALK! Arrange for things to be catered for so you get your own peace, your own time and a way to fix yourself.

    I took care of my father for 12 years. Before he died i never got a thank you and never told me he loved me! I knew i did was wwas necessary but in my mind i thought, 12 years, gave up everything, life in ruins, lonely, depresed and broken, and absolutely no gratitude. So what was the point in giving up so much for someone who saw it as something very little?

    Sure we can live with a clean conscience, but you can't return a pane of glass back to a whole once it has been shattered!

    Live your life the way your life should be led and do not feel guilty about what is yours.

    xx

     

    • onwillowbay
      onwillowbay daniel90806

      Posted

      Our lives certainly echo each other...  The only time I remember my father ever telling me he loved me was when he was on his death bed....I had one sister who passed away last year... Before she died... I asked her if she could possibly pitch in a little each month to care for our mother...(She had TWO houses and the first nickel she ever made).... and her reply?     "I can't do that"..........

      Neve spoke to her again after that...at least "I didn't"  but mother kept writing her...etc.

      I appreciate your words....   I need to get some help and fast... and to reclaim my life....(or what's left of it).....A therapist is definitely in the works...and if it turns out to be Too expensive (or insurance cost prohibitive)....I'll seek out Catholic counseling.....\

      Thank you so much ... from all the responses....it appears others have "been there too"......

  • dopy
    dopy onwillowbay

    Posted

    It sound to me that you need a holiday. Don't feel guilty about doing what you want and need to do in order to hold on to your sanity. A break on your own, maybe, might do the trick, a break in the countryside to escape all these stresses. Don't worry about how others react if you do this because you need to look after yourself before you can properly help others.
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