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I feel like this post should begin with an admission that I am prone to Hypochondria, anxiety, and inconfidence, and that I've had anxiety attacks in the past two weeks as a result of this fear. Even so, I really hope you guys don't dismiss my experiences as somehow less genuine due to my anxiety.
I'm a 15 year old boy, and again I hope that you recognise the legitimacy of my symptoms - even if you disagree on the cause, and I've been back at school after Christmas for two and a half weeks. Those two and a half weeks have been marked by alarm, pain, frustration, and some level of despair.
The incident which haunts me happened on the night before I went back to school. My mind was abuzz, swirling with thoughts and theories and fears and hopes and aspirations. This would be the night of the Second of January.
After I'd been laying in bed for around an hour, striding from thought to thought like I was navigating a curious maze, then I began to feel chest pains (I get these very occasionally) - but they seemed and seem benign: I roll over or move very slightly and they pass - and I began to feel my inner monologue slur. I tripped on words. I fell over in the maze.
I sort of attributed this to tiredness and resolved to get to sleep, but the slurring grew worse. I grew worried I might be having some kind of heart failure, that my brain was starving of Oxygenated blood, that I was having some kind of stroke due to circulatory problems. I've never really got to the bottom of the chest pains because they've always been sort of a mild annoyance, but in the past I've worried of some kind of heart failure. I've always been wrong.
Anyway, this is how I went to sleep that night - uncomfortable, anxious, my optimism pained by an unrelenting fear. I managed to drift off to sleep, aided by circadian rhythm, no doubt, and I did sleep. I slept.
That is, until I woke up. My eyes snapped open quite suddenly at some indeterminately early hour of the morning, I felt like something was wrong:
It's hard to describe, but I sort of felt this sense of alarm and I could feel a tingling sensation in the front of my head: there wasn't any pain, just a frightening and entirely novel feeling which is sort of indescribable as anything other than a tingling or perhaps fizzing.
I very quickly realised that my hands and feet were shaking, not like a shiver so much as a tremor,
I rolled over, they stopped. It all stopped, the horrifying tingling, the shaking, the panicked ecstasy of fumbling. It felt more like a nightmare, I sat up in bed, took a sip of water, and went back to sleep.
This was alll fine, I thought, but I woke up the next morning and quickly realised that something subtle felt different. It was very subtle - imperceptible to others except in an exceptional silence, a dish of word salad - but I felt different, Cognition which was once effortless was suddenly much harder. I felt it when I was analysing a poem that morning. No big deal - William Blake's London - but it was astonishingly hard. My mind felt empty and the trees of curiosity did not grow.
I began to feel nauseous, I stumbled to the toilet bowl and held back sick. I then went to school, because I like school.
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