I need advice :(
Posted , 4 users are following.
I was diagnosed with HSV-1(g) a year and a half ago. I found out about 2 weeks before I started dating this amazing guy. He's been trying to deal with it. In the beginning I felt so disgusting and honestly wanted to die. I didn't think I could ever have a relationship with anyone. This man is my fairytale. When I gave him information I made it out to be so much worse than what it really was and that is what is stuck in his head. I know it's my fault. I have told him the odds of him getting it. Precautions that we could take and all of the true facts that I could find. Now he doesn't believe that. I mean a 4% chance to someone who doesn't have anything is a lot ask I guess. I just wish I could help him understand that I'm telling the truth and not just making stuff up because I want to be it's him. He said that he has looked in to it and it's a chance he can't risk. We have tried sex probably 8-9 times throughout the year and a half and there was only twice he "finished". A few weeks ago he said he didn't want me eating my time on him that I was holding myself back. He was very sad and tearing up. We said our good byes and still spoke via text a few times a day. Like how was your day etc. nothing lengthily. Keep in mind we would talk for like 7 hours everyday on the phone. I feel like he's the one. I texted him a week ago saying I missed him and asked him if his mind was made up and told him that the only thing we didn't do together was look up the info on the internet so we both saw it and could talk about it together. He said he wasn't sure. Then this passed weekend he asked if I wanted to come over and we hung out Friday and Saturday. I stayed the night both nights didn't do anything but sleep and hang out with his friends. I just want advice on if I should really and truely walk away or if he could really get the negative out of his mind. Things went good this weekend but we haven't spoken about the elephant in the room. I'm scared we will go back to what we were and then he will just end up making the same decision again. Any advice will be greatly appreciated. I really love this man but I don't want him to be forced to do anything he physically can't. I know he loves me too but just like first impressions idk if I can get how I made this disease seem out of his head and really see how it is. Sorry so long. Just heartbroken and confused and scared and so many other emotions.
0 likes, 12 replies
FelizCastus amy07772
Posted
Honestly, if you had HSV1 orally, you'd likely be more infectious on more days than you are with genital HSV1, as it sheds more orally. And guess what? Nearly two-thirds of people carry HSV1, usually orally and often without symptoms. He should avoid receiving unprotected oral from any woman in that case. If you tell it to him like that, perhaps he'll see how silly he's being and hopefully you won't feel so bad yourself.
amy07772 FelizCastus
Posted
Thank you for that advice. I will try and put it that way. I've tried playing over and over in my mind what I would say one being that he has better chances with me because he knows what I have and how to prevent it whereas if he gets with some other girl who is to say that she would tell him so that opens him up to more of a risk than me.
FelizCastus amy07772
Posted
That is also very true, and I'm glad to have helped frame things in a better light for both you and him! Genital HSV1 really isn't so bad overall. Fyi, in terms of shedding order, from highest to lowest, it's genital HSV2, oral HSV1, genital HSV1, oral HSV2.
amy07772 FelizCastus
Posted
so06472 amy07772
Posted
Can't you just go to the doc together? Get your facts from an actual person instead of Internet? I mean, you can still find websites about the Earth being flat for crying out loud! Internet is helpful but not always reliable or accurate. He should get tested too. He might already have it and he doesn't know. So many people are carriers...
amy07772 so06472
Posted
Thank you for the advice. I did actually set up a doctors appointment for the both of us to go but he chickened out and so we never went. This was almost a year ago. My doctor asked me to have him come in and he would do a free test on him to make sure he doesn't have it. He freaked out. He says if he does have it it would be from me. That's why I suggested the internet. I found some really good recent articles that match up with what I told him and what my doctor has told me. They also have more info than I knew. I think what freaks him out the most is that there is a risk at all. He really does try. I mean he doesn't even fully believe that it's not in the blood stream. He thinks that because I have it own there that I have it in my mouth. But I know deep down he doesn't truely believe it because when I go down on him he doesn't wear a condom anymore. Just with sex. In the beginning I would give him oral with a condom on. I just don't know how to ease his mind.
so06472 amy07772
Posted
there is only so much you can do, he will have to do the work himself at this point. You provided him with informations, you made some steps, you are willing to do oral with condoms (which sucks - no pun intended) and you've been really patient. I understand that there is some guilt associated with it all that maybe makes you think you have to put up with it all because you are the carrier... But it is not all true. I am gay and when I told family, some people were taken aback. They needed time. But how much time? How much rejection and uneasiness is too much? At some point, if they can't accept it, it's not my problem, you know what I mean? It sucks, we don't want to lose anybody but there is not much we can do when the other part doesn't do their steps too. You seem like a very patient person but don't lose your integrity in all of this ok? I realized that at some point it is almost disrespect and not just uneasiness. You are not a damaged good that someone can take and push away.
amy07772 so06472
Posted
Thank you for that. That's really why I needed the advice was to see when enough was enough and if he could actually ever change his mind. I do still see him trying. I just don't know how to have a conversation without being uneasy and embarrassed. I know he's uneasy about it. When we do talk about it it ends us ending the conversation because he usually is uncomfortable or it causes a fight because I'm taking things too personally. It's just really hard since we both are still trying. I don't use a. Inform anymore when I give him a BJ. But the first probably 5 times I did. Yes very awkward have never done it before. The fact he doesn't wear one now keeps me hopeful that he could come around with the sec thing. It's not a big deal with us but it is something. We are happy just hanging out. But from his point of view he's not able to satisfy me that it's all one sided.
Livelife amy07772
Posted
I feel like he is being so reasonable and he really does sound like a great guy, this is a very tough decision, and you can tell he really wants to be with you he can't seem to be away from you!! Someone made a really great comment about going to the doctors together and actually I read online with hsv1 and condom use the risk is like 1% when being safe and never doing it when you have an outbreak, and chances are if he's had a cold sore before he already had it, Why don't you explain 2/3 of people have hsv1 cold sores, and if he does have it then he can't catch it, Tell him this and ask him to get a blood test, and if it comes back positive let him know he can't get it down there
I think your over reaction (because you was depressed to start with) made things seem a lot worst than they actually were
amy07772 Livelife
Posted
Thank you. Yes I did make it worse because of how I felt. The thing was my ex boyfriend told him I had this before I was able to tell him and before I had actual facts. So I told him what I saw on the internet and didn't realize that it was for oral herpes and not HSV1 (g) that I have. Coming on these discussion posts I have learned a great deal and started to feel better about the situation and I told him what I found out but just like how first impressions stick so did what I told him.
He is a wonderful guy. The best man I have ever met. Treats me like a princess and calls me his princess. He has said things about me being his wife someday. He really is trying. He spoke with his very close friends and told them how I make him feel. That he's so happy and loves being with me. He even told me he doesn't think he could ever leave me alone. I've ever had this connection with anyone and I feel it's the same with him. I know I ruined it and he may never change his mind but I can't have him waste his life either.
I have tried the doctor thing before but he chickened out. I think that is just too much in his face that's why I suggested me showing him facts from the internet then eventually him going to a doctors appointment with me. He says that he has never had any cold sores or anything. He says he's been tested o told him I thought I was too before but it's not part of the normal std checklist. You have to ask for it. But even if he had it before and got tested and came back positive he would say that I gave it to him anyway.
I did make things way worse in the beginning and I'm scared that there is no righting this wrong. I can't give up on him because he hasn't given up on me. I know he I still conflicted and has said that how can he take a risk with something he would have forever and ruin future relationships when he doesn't know if we would be together forever. Idk. I'm just scared im the one holding him back but at the same time too scared to let go.
Livelife amy07772
Posted
Oh jesus christ girl, It's cold sores they are no big deal literally everyone suffers from them, stop saying you have herpes just say you have cold sores, my mom has it my nan has it my brother has it, my dad has it all my friends have it,
He's probably already got it, I thought you meant you had GHSV
I have genital HSV and I don't even class oral hsv as hsv they are simply cold sores, my doctor has cold sores, LITERALLY EVERYONE
Tell him to stop being a little bitch and realise everyone has them and its a spot on the lip that lasts like 3 days
Livelife
Posted
Oh you have genital hsv sorry I read it at first as you just suffered cold sores, but the same applies!!! he probably already has it and if he does he can't catch it off you