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My name is Victoria. I am 17, almost 18, years old. I have a pretty great life. I am posting this here because I need help . . .
I have been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety at age 15. I was diagnosed after I went into a mental hospital for severely cutting my arm (over 600 times.)
I want to be a psychologist when I get older. I want to help people who were in my position and help them understand that everything is going to be alright.
I'm scared though. I'm scared I may have something worse then what I've already been diagnosed with.
Each day it's getting harder and harder to control my rage. If one of my dogs doesn't listen to me, I get a burning rage and I scream at them. If they pee in the house, I smack them. I try to control it, I try to be the one in control. I'll pause and take deep breaths, but the littlest thing can set me over again.
I've been clean from cutting, but when I'm alone, and now even when I'm near people, I'll hear voices of some sort telling me to do it. That I'm worthless and that I need to cut to feel alive again.
That brings me to my next topic . . . my emotions. I can turn on and off my emotions practically. When I "turn off" my emotions, everything goes blank. I don't feel anything at all. It's... it's scary that I can do this and none of my friends can do the same. It feels like my emotions are almost always off. I always feel blank besides when I'm angry.
I'm afraid to reach for help again. I'm afraid it won't work like before. I don't want pills to make me feel like a normal human being.
I don't even know what normal feels like anymore.
I. Need. Help.
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