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I need help for real before I really screw my life up anymore than it all ready is

Posted , 4 users are following.

Blackholesun
Blackholesun

I have had bad issues with severe depression over the years and there's been nothing that has ever worked for me to relieve me of those symptoms, I've been on multiple multiple prescription medications for it, therapy, counseling and multiple other techniques that rarely ever worked. So I turned to illegal drugs for the answer to life's problems and they were the only thing that ever gave me relief if only temporary to this depression. But that was short lived at best. Now my life's falling apart, I've lost everything I have had In my life over and over. I do good get my s**t back together only to lose it again and it's worse and worse each time. One of these times I'm going to end up in prison or dead. That's not what I want out of my life. I only wish to be happy or not severely depressed all the time. I would like to have a somewhat normal life and to be able to just relax and enjoy the better years I have left to live of my life and maybe one day get married and have kids. But none of that is possible if i cannot find what it is in my life that's causing me to want to destroy my myself with drugs because I'm so depressed i'm willing to take the chance of ruining every aspect of my life just to feel good for a short lived time. It grows to the point where not even drugs can help the depression anymore. Nothing does. That's where Iam now. I don't know what to do, where to turn, or how to find what it is in my life that is making me so depressed. I just want this to be over I honestly don't care if I die anymore at leased that would finally be the end to this madness. But that's not what I want. I want to live. But I want to live happy. Guess that's prolly to much to ask for huh? You can either live and be miserable or you can die and be dead lol. Not much of a choice either way I go. It completely debilitates me to the point where I can't even make it out of bed most of the time unless I'm forced to have to meet life's bitter demands of daily activities in which we all must endure to survive. I find myself daily daydreaming about what life must be like for people that are happy or normal, people that can travel the world and live in their big houses driving their nice cars and living without worrying about doing anything but what they want to do, and I find myself dreaming of ways to make it in life and to go far and make it so I can have it made but the dreams never go farther than my not wanting to get out of bed. I don't have the initiative inside to bring myself to accomplish anything I set my mind out to do. So I end up doing drugs to give me that energy..and that's short lived as well..then I use up so much energy all I can do is sleep. There is no balance in my life at this point. No meaning or anything to look forward too. I just want to get my life together and move past this all and be able to look back and use it all as a learning experience, but I can't learn anything if I'm dead. If anyone has anything to say, and I mean anything please help me, don't worry about my feelings either if you gotta tell it like it is just do it, maybe it'll save my life.

0 likes, 2 replies

2 Replies

  • sickgirl
    sickgirl Blackholesun

    Posted

    Hi, I’m really sorry to hear that your struggling with severe depression. I can relate; I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar/borderline personality disorder and a.d.d. I love being manic but crashing is hell for sure. I know what it’s like to be addicted to illegal drugs too, believe it! If you don’t mind me asking, what drug(s) are you taking? I’ve tried basically everything except the new scary stuff like “bath salts,” and I think it’s called “krokodil” or something. I’ve been clean before, and I first went to a psychiatrist and got diagnosed and got some meds.  (I was self medicating with the illegal drugs..), I went to an out patient rehab after detox. I went to Narcotics Anonymous with an open mind and listened to other addicts share their war stories, experience, strength, and hope, and made all new friends who were clean. I quit hanging out with my old friends who I used drugs with. I kept going to n/a, and my obsession to use drugs was lifted! I did get a sponsor and work slowly on the 12 steps. Remember, I was able to stop because I WANTED to stop. I wasn’t doing it for my mother or my lover, etc. I was doing it for ME. After I had quit doing drugs, my life improved drastically. I was able to function like everyone else, keep a job, I had much better relationships with my family, lover, and friends. I could take care of my animals better, etc. I stopped going to dance clubs and bars and parties where I’d be tempted to use drugs or drink again. (I changed “people, places, and things..) I also attended Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and they helped me stay off of drugs and alcohol. There IS a light at the end of the tunnel. The great thing is that you acknowledged that your life is now unmanageable. You can definitely change this, and it WILL take lots of work, but it’s worth it for a better quality of life. Just see it as a new journey. Try and go to psychotherapy and try to see what’s making you want to escape reality so badly. It will be painful, but you’ll be able to properly heal yourself instead of covering up the pain with drugs. Good luck and good for you for reaching out for help. It sounds like the drugs aren’t working anymore, and it’s definitely time to stop. Take good caresmile
    • Blackholesun
      Blackholesun sickgirl

      Posted

      Thanks for taking your time to comment I really appreciate it. Yeah I've done it all even alot of "bath salts" research chemicals as I call them. I have used certain ones like alpha-pvp alot it's stronger than methamphetamine, it has caused me alot of issues and I have been clean for them almost 3 years now. My enjoyment in life has just drastically fell apart when I have not been using it. I have been trying to get clean from everything for like 8 months now, except weed of course lol but being sober is just so strange for me I don't even know what to do with myself half the time I have so many emotions and things I want to do in life but my confidence levels are just so low I never amount to much sadly. I have worked in the music industry my whole life I set up concerts and music festivals since 2006 I'm not sure if anyone here would know anything about it but my brother and I own the rights to hookahville music festival and we created the werkout music festival and work with all good music festival in the USA. Alot of grateful dead stuff pink floyd and dubstep music. But I had to give up the business because of issues with legality and substance abuse and that has been a big reason I have been depressed. Music has been my entire life but it's costed me too much emotionally physically and financially being involved in it like that. But I just need to start over, move away somewhere else get the hell out of the usa this place is a atrocity right now. That's easier said then done for sure lol. But anyway thank you for taking the time to read my crap. I'm by far from being special I'm just a normal person with issues like so many other people have but it feels different when it's me that has the problems then me trying to help others. When we have our own issues it feels like there's just no way out especially when we feel like we're all alone in this world. Thanks again.

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