I need to get something off my chest

So I've been depressed for 2 years now, completely untreated, and I thought I could do it by myself and no one had to know. However, it doesn't seem that way lately. I'm a very stoic person and devoid of any real emotion outside of my crying fits and self-loathing in my room or in my shower.

When I'm in social situations, such as work, I feel so outcasted and alone in my own world. I feel detached and distant up to the point where I get angry and irritated, but I would never show those things to people. How would know or how could they help anyways?

Truth is I hate myself, not just my looks but my personality, my laugh, my detachment, my inability to care, my unintelligence, my mistakes, my flaws, my lack of motivation, skill and ambition and my depression.

One of the major things about my depression is the amount of regrets I have and the amount of flaws I refuse to address. I have more than my fair share and some have even called me a horrible person because of the choices and mistakes I have made. Ultimately, because of who I am and the fact I don't allow any breathing room for myself for forgiveness or anything less than perfect: I repress them. I can't remember much of anything having to do with school, I can't remember any names or faces of my teachers or piers. I can't remember what my birthdays were like, what Christmases were like, what summers were like or much of who I was before are completely missing up until I turned 17. I don't know why that's the cut off but it is. My memory is shattered and moving forward without anything to remember makes it harder. There were no "good old days" for me. It doesn't help when I regret everything I've ever done and can't even say, "these mistakes are what make me who I am" because I don't know who I am and all I know is I hate whoever it is.

Following along with some new woes thay have entered my life and have really discouraged beyond self repair. I was in an abusive relationship for a couple months and that was my first relationship ever and I have learned so many new ways to verbally abuse myself. I'very learned that someone as broken as me, who can't even take care of his own life, could never take on someone else's. This person threaten to hurt herself, called me horrible things and ultimately tried to change everything about me in order to fulfill her needs. I regret everything about it and wish it was gone and done for. That being said I have a new "crush" I suppose I would call it. She works with me and she is honestly the only person to really care about my personal life. She asks me questions all the time about who I am and what I think. At first when I met her I would never have thought me and her would ever be a thing (I still don't believe that as a matter of fact) however, as I got to know her better and realized how much I open up to her I just started to like the idea of us being a thing. She probably would never go for it though just because of how she is and I don't want to bring her down the show of my depression. When I told her all about my depression and how I was going through it she opened up to me about her struggles too and I thought we had understanding. I have trouble believing any one enjoys my company or anyone finds me anything but negatively. This doesn't stop her from letting me know that I am her favorite person, which I still don't believe.

Anyways, Yada Yada Yada, the reason I decided to post this spontaneous mess of a story was because I learned something about this girl that broke my heart and made me hate life even more. Her aunt is diagnosed with cancer, she has recovered many times but the cancer keeps coming back and it doesn't look good this time around. I asked her if they were close and she told me that her aunt saved her life. Shocked I asked, "how?" She responded by saying, "I attempted suicide." She started to rant a couple minutes later, "I should be dying, not her. I'm the one that hates living life and she loves it. Why does it have to be her?" I broke into a thousand pieces because I never new how severe this was. My immediate reaction was to try and fix the problem but there is no fixing anything. I just have to watch while someone I care about suffers and let her deal with it. I can't be her therapist or her miracle worker. I can't even take care of myself for Christ's sake but dammit I wish it would all end! I started thinking to myself, "what's the point of getting better if the people you care about suffer as well and you can't even do anything about it?"

I'm tired of sadness, of tragedy, of torture, of life, of everything and I'm just tired. I want to rest but can't find a place comfortable. I just see no point to it all.

Thank you for those that read this. You're time was appreciated

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