Posted , 5 users are following.
A lot of you may be aware of my situation but ill just tell my story and maybe someone has thiughts or has ever felt like this.
I first had depression in 2009 it hit me out of the blue. 2 year before i left the father of my 3 boys who were 6 7 and 10. I mived in with my parents for 2 years before getting a house. This is when the depression started probably situational through realising i had to raise my children alone and deal with bills for the first time in my life. I ended up with really bad chronic fatigue on top of this and was in a bad place but had brilliant support from my mum. After a few differnt ads found an old trycilic worked for me and after 2 years i felt in a better place and managed to get myself a part time job which i am still employed at.
In dec 2014 my mum took unwell suddenly and by march she was dead. We never made it to the hospital in time and were not prepared for being told she was gone.
I felt i was coping well got through the funeral and carried on with life work etc and in july i had 2 weeks off. On the last day of my holiday it was my sons 18th birthday and almost as suddenly as the first time i had a breakdown all the feelings of wanting to die were back again. I was signed off work and my ads were increased but by november i was really really bad hadnt eaten for 3 weeks felt really suicidal and ast my sister to call for the doctor. She decided that i needed to be put on mirtazapine 15mg so i was to slowly come off my old one along with taking the mirtazapine. It really was a miracle drug in that almost the next day i was able to eat again. I managed back to work in january last year but i always felt very dizzy and really disatatched from reality. I wnet up as far as 30mg but that dose made me have panic attacks so settled on 22.5mg but still having dizzy spells doctors said to stick at 15mg. I did this but was staring to have awful stomach issues as o have severe ibs so the doctor decided to see if the mirtazipine was the cause to come off them. I went down to 7.5mg for a couple of weeks and then just came off like she advised and the plan was to then try me bad on my old ad. This was in july. The first couple of weeks i felt a little better apart from this niglling stomach issues but by 3 weeks i was taken to hospital in horrendous pain and dehydrated. I spent a week in with all sorts of tests scans but they couldnt find anything other than severe ibs so was sent home in the same paiin as i went in. Several visits from doctor even trying different ads all of which i was super sensitive to a last resort o was put back on 15mg of the mirt this was august but my stomach issues are as bad as beforw again and i have severe pins and needles which come 5am in the morning im delerious. Every morning i feel like im in all i can describe as someone elses body. I feel like im a robot. I feel nothing. All i have is pain anxiety. Im a recluse the pain and anxiety have made me scared to leave the house. I honestly feel like i do not want to live with this feelings anymore. I have no quality of life. I exist thats it. I sit in the house all day either in pain or going through the motions. I feel in my gut that the mirtazapine is the cause of all this because around 5 to 6 hours after taking it thats when i feel the worst i awaken with the horrible tonglimg all over and racing horrible thoughts of being and feeling nothing are all thats in my mind. I get up and everything i do is robotic. The doctor wanted to add trazodone but i did a drug interaction and it said major. I dont want to be sedated anymore by adding this. Im so at a loss i just dont feel anything anymore and all thats in my mind is i cant go on like this anymore. Ive been off work again now since october and feel ill never be fit enough to go back. I have no money and get no sick pay as dont earn enough so existing on tax credits. I feel like a failure and a nusiance. I feel like the doctors are sick of me.
Im so sorry for the long rant but i really dont know what to do anymore because i cant deal with the pain and the feeling im no longer me anymore
0 likes, 6 replies