I physically hurt my boyfriend last night?

Posted , 3 users are following.

First of all, I'm going to tell you a bit of a back story.. I have been in an abusive relationship before. We used to get into full on physical fights. He had a temper and so did I. He used to hurt me and then I'd hurt him, constantly feeling the need to defend myself. It got as bad as spitting in each others faces at some points. I get my temper from my dad who used to physically tell me off when I was younger. Although a lot of kids have been, I think it does influence you when you are growing up along with genetics.

Then to my second relationship. He crossed boundaries many times, especially when drunk. Even the first time we slept together he was very persuasive and so desperate for sex. After numerous occasions where I felt my consent wasn't taking seriously enough, he raped me and I forgave him, he was so damaged and so was I with severe anxiety - it was a very co dependent relationship. I was so scared of stis at this point and was convinced I had one and was gonna give it to him so I tried to say no again and he kept stopping and persuading me and then carry on, I say no, stopping and persuading etc. he could clearly tell I didn't want it. I cried afterwards and left. Then he started to get suicidal and ask me to go see him or he'd kill himself.

To my third relationship and last night... I was shopping with my current bf and saw my ex's parents. His parents always brushed their own son's problems underneath the carpet and especially the rape. His dad's stare was evil at me. I went back in the car panicking and almost crying. During the night I got very drunk and me and my boyfriend kept playfighting. I feel threatened by men sometimes and I playfully bit him way too hard (which he now has a mark on his arm.) We carried on playfighting and he playfully slapped me on the face, I can't remember how hard. I ended up punching him on the cheek - not that hard apparently. I just took it way too far; I'm so against violence because of my experiences but I feel unnecessarily threatened and the need to defend myself in an unhealthy way. He then was angry and said I assaulted him in which I immediately felt guilty. I then put it on to him saying there had been times where I had said no and he had carried on (never sex but like kissing, other minor sexual things.) I am probably unnecessarily hot on consent but I think if someone says no you should stop during sexual things. Like I delude myself. He once bit my collarbone really hard during sex and I thought he was doing it because he was angry at me for not making enough effort in bed?! He has bit me on the neck too unexpectantly. He once slammed the brakes on when he was angry at me and i completely lost it. Screaming at him that he doesn't scare me and to never dare scare me like that again. Is there something wrong with me, do I need therapy? Do I have anger problems?

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  • Posted

    Sophie, firstly, I'm just going to come right out and say it....you need to leave this guy. There is a pattern emerging here with the men you choose. The way these men are treating you is quite frankly criminal. Sorry to be so blunt.

    Secondly, have you ever been to see a doctor about your anger issues? Nobody is angry for no reason. There are things such as personality disorders, mood disorders etc. It may very well be that, as you said yourself, there is a genetic link there. Don't be scared by this. If you can discover why you are like this then you can do something about it. Please Sophie, I would encourage you to make an appointment with your GP and tell them as much as you can. Tell them how much it is affecting your life and your life choices. Don't let yourself carry on like this when there is a chance you can make your life better. Do something about it tomorrow (or today...I don't know where you are). 

    But please, remove yourself from this toxic relationship before it does you more damage.

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    • Posted

      Thank you for your reply. I think it is just the alcohol that gets us going too far. He is not aggressive by nature, I am not either. Can I ask why you think this current relationship is toxic? 

      I haven't been to see a doctor about my anger issues but I have severe anxiety and dpd which can make me extremely angry and irritable sometimes. I also am very defensive around guys sometimes and feel the need to prove my strength and that I'm not weak, that could be to do with the rape. When a guy tries to scare me or hurt me I feel like crying and then I feel weak perhaps which makes me counteract that by insisting I'm not scared and screaming at him. I wouldn't characterise myself as distinctively aggressive though or angry. I think it is a symptom of my anxiety and past experiences. I'm the type of person that deep down couldn't even hurt a fly, I have to shut myself off from the world and stop myself from thinking because I start panicking about all the suffering in the world...

      Thank you for listening.

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    • Posted

      Hi Sophie, I said 'toxic' because of what you described has passed between you. Loving relationships are not like that. There shouldn't be any 'fear' or mis-understandings like that. It does not sound like you are good together. Apologies if I am saying too much. I was in a toxic relationship for 20 years, and now that I'm not it is so clear to me now when I see one that is. Even if you didn't have your own issues, it does not sound like this guy is good for you.

      What is dpd? I know all about anxiety, anger and irritability. I get like that myself. It is not healthy. I have my first psychology appointment this week, and I hope it helps me get to the root cause of my problems. I would still suggest that you see a doctor about your own anger, as it does seem extreme. Everyone deserves to be happy. Actually I don't like that term. I'm not sure what happiness is. So let me say, everyone deserves to feel content and to not be constantly battling with themselves. I've had a lifetime of battling with myself (and a toxic ex). I long for some peace and serenity in my life. I hope I will find it, but I'm still trying to get to the root of my own anxiety and mental health issues. Life is a journey and we should never stop learning about ourselves and evolving. Now, before I go to far with the existentialism I'll wish you the very best and hope that you will make that doctors appointment! X

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    • Posted

      Thank you for your reply. I think your past experiences may be influencing this discussion, I don't want to sound too blunt? I am a strong believer that no relationship is perfect and things sometimes get out of hand. If you think about it, we are just species. Not sure where I'm going with this but basically were not perfect.

      DPD is depersonalisation and/or derealisation disorder. It's a symptom of anxiety. You real detached from reality, you don't recognise yourself in your mirror and everything around you feels unreal. This is what makes me feel suicidal. The DPD happened from too much weed the guy who raped me gave me.

      I'm going to try for counselling too. I may be angry (almost understandably i hope) from my past experiences and anxiety but I'm not a bad person. I'm gonna get better not bitter.

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    • Posted

      Hi, no you are right, no relationship is perfect. I suspect I am a fair bit older than you Sophie. Just keep your eyes open. Relationships have ups and downs, yes, but there is healthy way and an unhealthy way. Experience has taught me that if you or your partner is quick to jump to the negative about the other person, then they are the wrong person for you. You should never have to have any type of battle with them. Disagreements yes, but those shouldn't cause intense friction. 

      Anyway, I wish you the best.

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  • Posted

    Firstly it is never acceptable for any violence to occur even in jest as this generally never ends good.  Also no means no and it makes no difference how far you have gone in being intimate as soon as the word no is spoken it is a prompt for the person to stop immediately.  If your partner is being rough with you in bed then you need to address this straight away.  You should explain to him that you do not like this and that you do not wish for that to happen. 

    I think maybe there are some anger issues there or frustrations.  Maybe it would be good to speak to your GP regarding some management of that. 

    Also if alcohol is playing a big factor in these events and you are finding that it happens more often with drink then it would be a good idea to reduce the amount that is consumed. 

    You are right.  No relationship is perfect and everyone has minor problems but it is not a healthy relationship if there is violence, force, alcohol related issues and tension there. 

    As previous mentioned in one of the comments, sometimes based on how your past has been it can reflect on the choices that you make going into the future such as what kind of men you go for and are attracted to.  Speaking to your GP to arrange a counselling session may get to the bottom of any issues deep within that may have been supressed over time.

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