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First of all, I'm going to tell you a bit of a back story.. I have been in an abusive relationship before. We used to get into full on physical fights. He had a temper and so did I. He used to hurt me and then I'd hurt him, constantly feeling the need to defend myself. It got as bad as spitting in each others faces at some points. I get my temper from my dad who used to physically tell me off when I was younger. Although a lot of kids have been, I think it does influence you when you are growing up along with genetics.
Then to my second relationship. He crossed boundaries many times, especially when drunk. Even the first time we slept together he was very persuasive and so desperate for sex. After numerous occasions where I felt my consent wasn't taking seriously enough, he raped me and I forgave him, he was so damaged and so was I with severe anxiety - it was a very co dependent relationship. I was so scared of stis at this point and was convinced I had one and was gonna give it to him so I tried to say no again and he kept stopping and persuading me and then carry on, I say no, stopping and persuading etc. he could clearly tell I didn't want it. I cried afterwards and left. Then he started to get suicidal and ask me to go see him or he'd kill himself.
To my third relationship and last night... I was shopping with my current bf and saw my ex's parents. His parents always brushed their own son's problems underneath the carpet and especially the rape. His dad's stare was evil at me. I went back in the car panicking and almost crying. During the night I got very drunk and me and my boyfriend kept playfighting. I feel threatened by men sometimes and I playfully bit him way too hard (which he now has a mark on his arm.) We carried on playfighting and he playfully slapped me on the face, I can't remember how hard. I ended up punching him on the cheek - not that hard apparently. I just took it way too far; I'm so against violence because of my experiences but I feel unnecessarily threatened and the need to defend myself in an unhealthy way. He then was angry and said I assaulted him in which I immediately felt guilty. I then put it on to him saying there had been times where I had said no and he had carried on (never sex but like kissing, other minor sexual things.) I am probably unnecessarily hot on consent but I think if someone says no you should stop during sexual things. Like I delude myself. He once bit my collarbone really hard during sex and I thought he was doing it because he was angry at me for not making enough effort in bed?! He has bit me on the neck too unexpectantly. He once slammed the brakes on when he was angry at me and i completely lost it. Screaming at him that he doesn't scare me and to never dare scare me like that again. Is there something wrong with me, do I need therapy? Do I have anger problems?
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