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Hello. I am a 29 year old female. I will just try to briefly explain the torture I go through every waking moment of every day.
I was put on paxil 20mg in 2008 for situational depression, although ive been depressed and severely anxious since i can remember. But i have never in any of those years before starting medication felt like i wanted to die.
The meds made me feel lethargic, more depressed, completely apathetic and non existent basically. I was on them for 4 years.
In 2012, i met this guy. Very charming and sweet at first, but then he started emotionally verbally and psychologically abusing me in a very severe manner. He forced me to stop my medication cold turkey. I secretly went to the doctor and they gave me cymbalta, it resulted in disastrous consequences. I had a severe adverse reaction. Since that day in 2012 i have experienced extremely severe symptoms that persists. I am not able to live a normal functional life.
My relationship continued with this psychopathic man because i was mostly too ill to leave him. He tried to kill me on several occasions, he even had inappropriate sexual intercourse with me against my will, and eventually, 01/01/2017 i went to the police and they arrested him. I had to endure the most grueling times in court, giving testimony, attending court proceedings, being cross examined. He only got a year imprisonment and was actually released yesterday.
Meanwhile, i am in a job i hate so much, i battle to wake up in the mornings. My mood is extremely low. Every single day i wish i could rather just die. I live paycheck to paycheck, literally have more debt to pay monthly than my income, i have nothing to show for my life, NOTHING! I dont even have a drivers license, i am too sick and dizzy to drive and my vision is distorted from the medication i took in 2012. I have no friends, i never really had any friends in my life. Im not ugly or fat, im actually attractive, but i hate my body, i hate myself and i hate my life.
I stay with my mother and her girlfriend. Her girlfriend has been emotionally and psychologically abusing us for 15 years. My mother is old, in her 60s. She is also not well, in debt and struggles with her own problems. She doesnt really support me, but we dont talk as i mostly sit in my room as soon as i get home from work until bed time. I battle to sleep so i never get enough sleep, i never feel well rested, ever. I have severe digestive issues, i cant see and an ear procedure left me half deaf.
I met a guy on facebook in February 2017, we stay far away from each other. he doesnt support me emotionally and i can never talk to him about my depression as he becomes quite ugly towards me, he doesnt disrespect me and i know he loves me, i fly down to see him atleast once a month. I give up a lot of time, money i dont have and put in a huge amount of effort in this relationship, its the only thing thats kept me going, but now i feel so disappointed, unloved and un appreciated. I doubt it will last much longer. Then im back to being all alone, he at least have friends, a big family, a relationship with god. I am actually so jealous of him and it bothers me so much. Why can i have that? Im so terribly chronically ill all the time, i never feel well, the thought of god makes me anxious and i avoid it im not sure why.
So tell me, what is the reason to carry on even? I suffer so much each day with no breaks. Doctors cant help me they say they find nothing wrong with me, i cant take any medications, i have no money for psychologists, i have no energy to even get up in the mornings.
When does it all end? Ive been suffering severely for 5.5 years. There is really no reason to live anymore, i just keep living for my mother. I dont want my death to bring her pain.
Whats wrong with me. I look at happy people with families and houses and im so envious. I would also like my own family, i would also like to have a house and a car. Build a life with a partner who is good for me emotionally.
But no, i continue to suffer so much, i have severe depersonalization too. As if the above wasnt enough.
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