I really don't want to live anymore

Posted , 4 users are following.

Last year I start taking medication for my depression and anxiety. I really want end my life didn't had the reason to live and really did had anyone to tell my problems and what I'm going through in life. I was victim of crime and police passed my information to victim support. So I start getting help from her but my thought things didn't change. So I tried 3 times committing suicide but I stop myself because my of religion( probably sounds funny but it's true).

It's come time where I need go dr because of my health. I went dr they put in to medication but it didn't help. So I told my family what I am going through. Grandma didn't care; she said "when I was taking depression medication you didn't care and look you have the same problem 😆" she laughed on my situation. I really care about her when even my dad left her I look after her, But still I didn't give up.

It was hard but I told my sister but this time I got I letter from dr. She believed me and she want to help but the advice she was give me I couldn't take it. She want me to leave my grandmother. I thought that isn't the best solution.

So I called my aunt(from back home). She told me to visit her and other relatives. So I went come back to my own country. I stayed there for 45 days. I was happy and knew there people who love me and want me to live again and be the girl that I was. But I guess my happiness wasn't for long.

Came back to England. But my sister and all my other friends thought I got married someone. Start questioning me and saying thing I really didn't do. Just because I started wearing Hijab(head scarf). But I didn't wear hijab because I got married or because I want to impress someone. I wear because I want to practice religion. well basically no one believed me. And I started losing friends 😥.

However; it's been 4 week that depression and anxiety is back. Can't sleep, can't control my life when I have my panic attack. Sometimes my panic attack is a hour or so. When I have my attack My full body will be in so much pain. I don't see point of living. I have counselling but I don't feel is helping.

I am in 2nd year of university doing computing science and have part time job as volunteer , but I am thinking of dropping out from university. Dr and counsellor told me to drop out because it's make my anxiety level goes up. To be honest university is my drama is something that I live for before. But now I don't want to go uni. I get scared of people I don't feel confidence on myself. I feel empty, sad, depress don't have reason to live.

I love one guy I was in relationship with him for 1 year and we decided to get marry but I found out that he cheated on me with 3 other girl and he promised one of the other girl that he will marry her too. Like what hell! It's be 2 years now so I started talking with other guy he was nice and caring person who was like my angel whenever I had problems he always be there. But someone told him that I kissed my ex so he left me. I swear I never did that I tried so many time explain to him but he never listened to me or tried to believe me at least once. The funny thing is I still love him😭.

Where I live people think bad about me don't know why. At the moment I don't have any friends. I thinking of end my life. I have mum but she doesn't live here she married 2nd time, I have my dad here but my relationship with him is so bad. He never tried to listen to and understand me, all he and my grandma wants me to get married one of my aunt son so I can bring him to England. I don't want thatsad.

I want marry someone that I love not because of my British passport.

I don't know where to go or what to do. I feel hopeless don't know who to trust. I know middle East girls doesn't open up they stories to public but I really want my story to to be out there. I really want life a normal life and live happy. But it doesn't work anymore. The only thing I can think of the harm myself, end make end of all the problems.

I have appointment tomorrow with psychologist. I hope they will help me, to night my attack was so worst that I used google "I don't want to live anymore". And I found this website and I decided to tell my story instead of keeping inside.

What shall I do?, Drop out from uni?, End my life?

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5 Replies

  • Posted

    Stay strong, you've made a start by getting it all off your chest.. go to your appointment tomorrow with your physiologist and talk talk talk.. I find talking helps me and the more people that know how you feel the more help and understanding you will get..

    I know it's hard to stay strong but you really must.. things will get better.. s

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    • Posted

      The problem is I broke in so many pieces that I can't stay strong anymore, I'm trying but I broke down again. I hope so thing get better soon but thanks I glad someone read me a story

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  • Posted

    I'm really sorry to read what you've been going through. That must be hard. But just you seeking help instead of ending your life shows that you are a strong person and that you are willing to fight. So don't give up in seeking help.

    And I agree with Sharon. Talk your heart out to your doctor.

    And if you're home and feel like talking to someone you can message me and I am willing to listen.

    Coming to here is also a good choice. You will find others that may have similar cases and also people here are nice and are willing to help.

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    • Posted

      Thanks both you (Sahliel, Sharon). For listening to my story and not make judgement about me. I feel like no point to fight back with my family or friend.

      Honestly I was so strong girl before. But now I been broken down in so many pieces that I can't stay strong, feel like I lose myself somewhere.

      I used to advise people on stay strong /fight back for yourself and help my family/friend. But now when I need them they all walked away. 😥

      I feel used it 😭😭

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    • Posted

      Dear Sayan

      I agree with your perception. I had much the same when in the grip of depression. No one seemed to notice my pain and so who would notice when I was gone, I thought. I did eventually get effective treatment. Only then did friends and family say how much better I was. They clearly had no idea how their silence had added to the suffering of depression. 

      Please let me take you by the hand and say I understand. Thank you for sharing your story and your pain.

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