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I really need help

Posted , 2 users are following.

Sillyetal
Sillyetal

Hello I'm a British student studying in austria, and I have annorexia 😐 I've recently managed to increase  my weight from 6St8 to 7 St3 (I'm 5.6 btw) bug I'm just struggling so much!!! I really want to be 8 stone by the 19th of December cos I want to please my mum and my family but I can't get bast 7.5 withour relapsing. Iv tried to stop weighing myself but i can't get the bad thoughts to stop ..... I hardly eat anything in the day and mainly eat cabbage and veg for dinner.  I feel lost stuck in a cycle with no one to help. No one in my family understands my mind ....and say things like why do nt you just eat.... but they don't understand the mental your Cher of eating is so much worse then their complaints. I'm studying medical and pharmaceutical bio technology and spend half my day studying the bodies functions yet cant seem to get over my mental food block to give my body the nutrition to function as it should. I love food and love cooking and the anticipation of eating.... but hate the after feeling. I just want to be normal and not worry about going to lunch or constably thinking about food. I no longer have periods I have chilblains on my fingers....I'm just not happy or healthy still despite gaining some weight. I gained my weight by stopping exercising and embarrassing lying chewing and spitting out chocolate. I'm not bulimic (due to tonsillectomy I'm too scared to be lol ) but by chewing and spitting u eat some chocolate without knowing the calories ....Therefore it doesn't trigger restriction regression....I sound crazy I know! But I really really hate carbs ....The idea bread or pasts litterally makes want to hide.....I just have happy memories of being a normal weight and enjoying jacket potatoes spontaneously without worrying or fixating on it as the highlight or only meal of her day. Sorry for the rant I just really want some help and support. Especially cos I'm abroad and feel so alone. I really feel I need a meal plan or something but I've eaten so little for so long, way under 1000 calories a day --when I gained weight initially I had the worst night sweats and propearly fainted twice in my bed,  I also got really sore skin on my belly like water retension. My night sweats are slightly better now but I'm still only eating like 500 calories a day. I the my self for it but I can't stop... I feel so crappy If I properly eat before a certain time in the day... I'm just so stuck in my ridiculous ways. Sorry for the rant,  do you think you may be abe yo help at all? Thank you - especially if you didn't give up reading ☺

2 likes, 3 replies

3 Replies

  • Lillypad1
    Lillypad1 Sillyetal

    Posted

    Hi, I have anorexia also so I know how you feel.  It is really hard especially when you are alone in another country.  Do you have a GP over there?  It is completely normal to fixate on food, and it is due to your body being starved for so long.  I know a few people with eating disorders and most of us actually love our food, which makes me think that by restricting our food we are punishing ourselves.  Well done for putting on a bit of weight so far, your body will adjust to eating again soon and then the water retention should start going down, also make sure you are drinking enough fluids because the less you have the more your body will hold on to the fluid. A dietician would be able to help you gain weight in a careful manner and she/he would need to know how much you want to gain.  I too chew and spit which I hate but can't help myself.  If you are finding the thought of increasing your intake too much try and supplement it with a drink called Ensure or Fortisip, these come in many different flavours and will give you all the nutrients you are missing including vitamins and minerals.  Also another thing I found helpful was rather than having a large meal was to have a normal size meal but add in a snack between meals, that way you won't feel too full.  I hope this goes some way to helping you. 
    • Sillyetal
      Sillyetal Lillypad1

      Posted

      Thanks for your reply, its really reasuring to know I'm not suffering alone!! I think i my actually have to get some sort of suppliment cos i just cant get myself to eat lunch or breakfeast .... if i do its like mental tourture for the rest of the day and i cant focus cos im so worried about what ive eaten or if someone then ma give me something or insist i come to dinner with them which i cant do if ive eaten breakfeast or luch .....although i also know il find an excuse either way, even when i haent eaten (if that makes sense). I have such good memories of coming home from the stables when i was younger and eating 2 jacket potatoes with butter cheese beans and tuna and mayo and i wasnt even fat- if anything i think my boobs to bum ratio made me look thin by comparison, but i hated my body then and i hate my body now- only difference is now i mainly get by on cabbage apples and tuna.... im sound so pathetic...i want change but i dont - i want to look the same but just not care about food!! I watch a repretty confident swedish girl in my lecture sit and eat a whole bag of nuts to herself the other day, and i couldnt help thinking why cant i do that and not care sad My body is probably crying out the oils and fats in those nuts but ....well the tails wags the dog in my hea,d if you get what im saying sad Another problem (there are lots haha) is because ive always quite liked cooking its hard to tell how much of my food fixation is real and whats bought on by anorexia. I guess when i make things i wont eat thats annorexia. Im gonna look up the suppliments you mentioned smile thank you - and its nice to know im not the only one who spits, i cant help thinking when i do it though that im probably getting a few calories which is good (+ its no way as bad as bulimea). I wnted to ask to you weigh yourself everyday?.....cos i do but again its so hard to stop- especially because im on my own!!! I find im happy iv put on some weight cos i know it'll make my mum happy but then suddenly il get to like 7.7 freak out and go back down again ....even though physically i look exactly the same- but i know the numbers changed. What doesnt help is i was lying about my weight when i was 6st8 getting on the scales with like 2- 2litre bottles of drink to get my weight to like 7st3 and now i know ive actually gained that weight which is unsettling. 

      I just dont want to be like this anymore!!! it started 5 years ago and im sure ive havent had close friendships since, my eating makes me distance myself- not that i feel lonely i just feel .... kind of uptight and boreing lol meh 

    • Lillypad1
      Lillypad1 Sillyetal

      Posted

      If it helps, weighing yourself holding bottles of water could be because you didn't want to acknowledge how extremely underweight you are.  Please do look for the supplement drinks, if you can't find them in the chemist, your doctor will prescribe them and would also be cheaper.  I completely understand your mixed thoughts.  Try to remind yourself that when you were eating normally you were still slim.

       I too lost my friends due to my anorexia, some because they didn't want to see me because I looked so awful and the other friends I pushed away.  As you know anorexia is very time consuming and when you are alone (so am I) you/I can spit out without interruption.  The amount of calories you do ingest will be minimal.  You sound like there is a strong side to you and if you allow yourself to listen to the rational side you will be able to overcome it.  

      Like me I said before, small snacks is a good step forward, 

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