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Hmm, hi.., i dont really want anyone knowing who i am since i dont feel safe giving my information out, i'm almost 22 and i suffer with something that i dont understand, and has been going on for a long while now.. for about 4years, and i dont no how to explain it, i just feel zoned out from the world?, i'm very paranoid to the extent.. if i go outside i think i'm being watched or followed, i'm nervous around the remaining friends i have left, and they've been around since i was 13ish and close with, but i dont show any emotion or tell anyone how i feel or what i've been going through so no one has clicked on, but it started when my brother was killed 5years ago, i struggled and watched my family struggle, and it was hard. and after he passed away, i tried focusing on life on what path i should go but i never go through with anything because i dont feel right, and i can be really violent to the extent where i'll hit my friends (hence the remaining) because i dont trust anyone, and i'm not a violent person but everyday life is hard for me, i overthink literally everything that i do/say, i see the worst of every single situation i've been in and made it worse, i dont feel like i can communicate with anyone it just seems hard to do so?, and every argument leads to me hurting people and i can't help it.. alcohol for one makes me worse, so i've been off it for a long while but its just made me paranoid about touching alcohol and what i'll do if i drink so i stay away, but i just dont know how to explain anything? just feels like i've lost it completely?, little things like eating/drinking, i overthink that much i struggle to eat/drink because what im thinking, i have these blackouts when i get angry where i dont even remember what ive done, and that really scares me because i dont want to hurt anyone.. has i'm writing this i'm trying to find the right words to describe but it just seems not enough?, but on a day to day basis, i wont talk to anyone because i'm anxious about talking to them i dunno why, and i can't look at someone when i'm trying to talk to them because i mix my words up and start stressing myself out, i just dont feel right anymore. and i dont know how to tell people or talk to someone about it because i dont even know whats wrong with me?, it just seems easier what goes through my head to stop it all but i can't do that to my family, and i feel like i'm just crumbling away from everyone and everything.. what should i do because i've finally had enough of feeling like i'm crazy or some sort of weirdo?
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