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I should be stronger

Posted , 3 users are following.

Kenneth7777777
Kenneth7777777

i feel like i should be stronger. i feel like i shouldnt be so soft or sensitive i feel like i should be grateful for the good things in my life. But truthfully i'm not. i feel like the root of my sadness or depression or lowliness is a broken heart. I'm so desperate to be loved that its pathetic. To be loved, adored, cared for, wanted. It's a desire that i have that i wish i didn't. I remember wanting this fulfilled since i was a kid. And now, at age 31, i'm still suffering. And i feel like this shouldn't make me fill myself with so much despair, but it does. i try to love on others. I coach and volunteer and serve at church, but no matter how much i pour out, it leaves me with the crap end. And it hurts and makes me sad. Im embarrassed by this level of weakness in me. Years ago i didnt have this problem because i just whored myself around to superficcially fulfill this desire. Over the past few years i've not been that guy; and the despair has only worsened. With every heartache and heartbreak i loose a little more confidence and a little more strength. Ive tried the self care routine and as i try and love myself more, it forces me to not stay intertwined with people who misuse and abuse me. I choose women poorly and i choose relationships poorly. All you gotta do is smile at me and give me attention and im ready to get married tomorrow. I'm somewhat "popular" in my communitty so i really try and hide this side of myself. But as time goes on, i feel this despair more and more and more. I look at my pain and issues and think it too lightly compared to others people real problems and issues. I have a good life, but im so sad and shaky confidence that i cant truly enjoy it. As a coach, parents and kids tell me how much i mean to them; as a volunteer at a homeless shelter, people tell me how impactful and beneficial i am to them. Yet i cant seem to mean enough to myself or benefit myself. I have a huge nieve heart and it just leads me into despair and pain and abuse. And i just dont have the toughness to fight back. At night sometimes i pray that God would be so kind enough to call me home. Then im forced to wake up the next day . Ill hear about peoples sudden and unexpected death and wish my life could be so lucky. I tried to hang myself once and couldnt conplete the task. I dont want to live and i dont have the strength, courage or bravery to kill myself. I dont want to stay in this cycle. I dont want to become a drug addict to cope with my bleeding heart pathetic weakness. When i say i don't know, I just don't know

0 likes, 4 replies

4 Replies

  • sam18386
    sam18386 Kenneth7777777

    Posted

    oh kenneth, why so sad? what went wrong? something must have sparked this, from your background maybe? can you talk to anyone? can you tell anybody how you feel? have you spoken to a doctor or someone you trust? you may feel better if you let it out! write it down show someone/anyone you trust! it doesn't matter what order you write it in. you are not any of the things you said, you are you, just that bless you! keep talking maybe you'll feel a little better.

    • Kenneth7777777
      Kenneth7777777 sam18386

      Posted

      Thank you, i think when i wrote this i was in the thick of feeling heart broken. im still sad today and i mustered up the will to talk to a friend . that was helpful and your response was as well. Im trying to get back into therapy and get on a path to happiness, healthiness, and wholeness. Although i dont see the light at the end of the tunnel, im starting to belive that one exist. Im still not truly wanting to exist, but im hoping that as i take these steps in the right direction, that feeling will change as well. As a small victory, ive been dealing with this soberly rather than getting as drunk or high as i possibly could.

      thank you again

    • sam18386
      sam18386 Kenneth7777777

      Posted

      hi Kenneth, it's no problem writing on here to anyone, glad it helped, well done by taking that first step it means you have acknowledged there is a problem, you clearly do want help and i think deep down you want to be here.

  • jan34534
    jan34534 Kenneth7777777

    Edited

    Kenneth when you said you asked God to take you but you woke up the next morning, that means that God is telling you you are not ready to be taken and that you have things to do and accomplish on this earth. He has a plan for you .counseling could help you so much from loving yourself to choosing relationships in a healthy way, and many more things.

    It really helps to talk to someone else and vent everything. just open up and pour your heart out!

    The counselor could give you some ideas that maybe you have not even thought about that would benefit you greatly! I found that to be true when I started my counseling .

    you can definitely heal from all of this! And in the near future you will look back and be glad that you are here. You are young and have plenty of time for turning this around. I do hope you feel better soon and please take care of yourself because you are a unique person with your own special gifts and talents. Once you learn to love yourself you will feel like a brand new person! ❤

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