I so want to die the feeling is so strong

Posted , 8 users are following.

As I lay here hiding crying behind my bedroom door, my two young children are downstairs playing I can hear their laughter & chat, inside I want to run downstairs scoop the 3 of us & take us somewhere far far away I envision a cliff all the time & us going over it. I feel wretched ashamed ungrateful guilty dirty wild pathetic worthless piece of s**t with just deep deep pain around my heart, it squeezes so tight & makes my tears fall relentlessly. I hate myself for feeling I don’t know what to do. I am strong I’m sick of being strong I don’t want to be me I want to be a happy healthy mum who smiles instead of cries, I’m praying for answers I’m on everything, I do everything that suggested by professionals family friends & still I remain like a dead person living is the answer to just be dead? 

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12 Replies

  • Posted

    Hello Karen. Thank you for writing to us for me writing gets things out of my head and down where I can see them and sometimes it takes the power out of the intense feelings and thoughts. Karen can you share what is going on in your life that is making you feel this way? Diane
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  • Posted

    Hi Karen, I understand how you feel. I have terrible physical illness and feel trapped in my body. My mind feels broken. However hard it must be, please don’t take your life or that of your children’s. You must get some help through you dr. I know you probably don’t want this as an answer, but you must protect your children. Can someone take care of them for a while? That’s not what you want to hear either, but I really do not want any of you to die. I am trying to stop myself today. I’ve been crying and in bed for three days. No one is checking on me but I have a big heart and you probably may off stopped me from myself. There is the crisis team you can talk to in your area or the National Suicide number I can give you. I will have to post that on a different feed as I don’t know how to come out and get back to you. I will do that now xxx

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    • Posted

      Thank you all so so very much & you Lisa for being so frank & honest, I’m crying & smiling at the same time reading back all your kind caring words, I see I am not alone with horrendous thoughts & feelings, it has given me a well needed little boost, knowing that I’m not too strange or a freak for having such bad feelings, others do too, even though that’s sad to know that others have this pain it’s some comfort not to feel so different as I normally do. I would like to be supportive to all also. How are you feeling today Lisa? I sure hope that you are ok & safe, I am cheering you on here & thinking of you.  I’m alone (again) today children are at school, I had so many good intentions of doing this & doing that but have done nothing but lie in my bed, I turned my phone off no one ever calls anyway & trying to envision me strong healthy & happy but know just envisioning it ain’t going to make it be so. I’m going to attempt to go shopping we are running low on a few things the very thought of being in shops around people is not a inviting thought but we do need things so go I must. I will look out on here for you on here & im sending you big hugs & all the very best thoughts & good wishes truly I am xxx 

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  • Posted

    ?*08004708090*? National Suicide helpline

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  • Posted

    Hi Karen. How long have you been feeling like this? Sometimes staying strong doesn't help as you hide your feelings?

    You haven't mentioned what is getting you down or if you know, but do you think that getting support could help e.g. Maybe stay with someone or if someone can stay with you and your kids? 

    The thoughts that you are having are hopefully only thoughts. The fact that you know that they aren't good thoughts is a positive. Try not to beat yourself up about it as it seems to be making things worse for you. I think we all get bad thoughts sometimes, but it is your actions that count. 

    I hope you can muddle through to the other side. 

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  • Posted

    I am so very sorry that you are feeling this way. I know the emotional pain and the crying very well. You may need to seek professional help. Medication can subside these symptoms. Has anything happened to cause you to feel this way? Did somebody say something to you to hurt you? It sounds like depression. But you need to seek help from a licensed dr. They will help you. Talking to a therapist helps to. They know what to say and how to handle your sadness . Please seek help. You have kids that need you. And you need them. You can come back here anytime and get things off of your chest. This is a safe place.
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  • Posted

    Dear Karen,

    Would you be willing to seek professional help? Is there something in life that you would enjoy doing? It is very hard being the strong one. It is like all of life’s weight is on your shoulders. Maybe it is time to take a break from it. Maybe keep to yourself for a while? Please go to the dr. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. That alone shows strength.

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    • Posted

      Thank you so much for your messages & taking time to reply you are very kind women to think of others/strangers in a caring selfless way thank you, I don’t know what I was thinking when I went on here, the pain & sadness in my heart feels so bad sometimes/most of the time that I just feel like I can’t do it anymore. But I  would never harm myself I couldn’t my children only have me so I MUST carry on, I’m very alone on this planet essentially just me & the children, I’ve been on my own with them since they were born really, (I was in a bad unhealthy relationship) I moved far away almost 9 years ago to start new life with them & ive worked so hard to get us to this point but it’s feels so hard sometimes, my mind body & soul is so so tired I know I’m lonely, I’m a private person & scared of anyone hurting me & ruining all my hard work so I keep myself to myself mostly, I know this is not right & there are good people out there. I know in my hearts of hearts I want to be alive & feel alive, I’ve lost my zest for life, everything feels like work or a chore & please please don’t think I’m the kind of person who feels sorry for myself I don’t I hate myself for feeling like this. Thank you so so much for listening, in some way I do feel a bit better reading your words. I am seeing the doctor & am on anti depressants & I will keep trying I have no choice really I guess just them thoughts are so strong sometimes x

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    • Posted

      Wow you have a lot on your plate! You have come so far, it’s no wonder your tired and feel bad. I am so sorry. Do you have the time and insurance to go to a dr or therapist? You have accomplished many things in your own. You should be very proud of yourself. This is a safe place for you. You can come here anytime you need to we will be here for you.
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  • Posted

    Thank you so much for your messages & taking time to reply you are very kind women to think of others/strangers in a caring selfless way thank you, I don’t know what I was thinking when I went on here, the pain & sadness in my heart feels so bad sometimes/most of the time that I just feel like I can’t do it anymore. But I  would never harm myself I couldn’t my children only have me so I MUST carry on, I’m very alone on this planet essentially just me & the children, I’ve been on my own with them since they were born really, (I was in a bad unhealthy relationship) I moved far away almost 9 years ago to start new life with them & ive worked so hard to get us to this point but it’s feels so hard sometimes, my mind body & soul is so so tired I know I’m lonely, I’m a private person & scared of anyone hurting me & ruining all my hard work so I keep myself to myself mostly, I know this is not right & there are good people out there. I know in my hearts of hearts I want to be alive & feel alive, I’ve lost my zest for life, everything feels like work or a chore & please please don’t think I’m the kind of person who feels sorry for myself I don’t I hate myself for feeling like this. Thank you so so much for listening, in some way I do feel a bit better reading your words. I am seeing the doctor & am on anti depressants & I will keep trying I have no choice really I guess just them thoughts are so strong sometimes x 

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  • Posted

    Hi I am relieved when you said you would never hurt yourself or your children I must admit!  I was wondering if you are having any counselling at the moment?  That would seem to be the way to go.  x
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  • Posted

    Hi karen61488

    We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologies for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.

    If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The Samaritans offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.

    Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet here: https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts, which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.

    If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.

    Kindest regards

    Patient

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