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I do apologise now as this is going to be long, I am 46yrs old and since i was in my early teens i have suffered from many mental health illnesses. I used to hit my stomach to try and make it go smaller as i was told by a teacher at school that i was fat. This then led to me having twitches or ticks then i would make weird noises. This still happens now. I also suffer from panic attacks this started when i was 17 when i used to travel on a train to Birmingham it then progressed to public transport if i avoided rush hour traffic i could control it. I then was in a relationship and got pregnant, i had very bad post natal depression and bulimia. My depression never really went away and i was given fluoxotine, Once i got into my 30's i started spending money (that i didn't have) going on holidays, new car, buying clothes etc. Then i started doing various college courses and changing jobs. Not sticking to one particular job for very long. I had split up from my ex husband and would go out to the town on a friday and saturday nights drinking quite a lot then coming home on my own thinking i was invincible and no one would attack me because i thought i would be able to fend them off.
This stopped after a few months i then attempted suicide taking pills. I decided that i wanted to live in the countryside to look out on fields to see sheep and cows. So i moved myself and my two boys 18 mile away but felt guilty for the boys so i kept them at their same school which was a long journey in morning traffic. At this point i was a teaching assistant and kept that job for a while.
I then went on a downhill spiral and ended up going bankrupt because of all of my spending and trying to survive with the boys on a low salary, In 2011 i was put in a crisis house as my depression got so bad. In there i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and given lithium alongside antidepressants, The lithium didn't agree with me and i said my depression is worse than my 'high' times therefore only stayed on antidepressants.
I still have my ticks. conscious of everything i eat i know i am not overweight but my brain tells me otherwise. I have low/high mood swings which can change rapidly in a short space of time. I also talk to myself in my head continuously telling myself if i do something for example have something else to eat before tomorrow then something bad will happen to someone i love. This ritual is constant in my head every half an hour or so.
I remarried in 2013 and my poor husband has to put up with all of these and my mood changes are now getting to me more as i am noticing them as i didnt before.
I went to the doctor last week and have had my antidepressants changed and i said i think i have borderline personality disorder as also i don't like socialising with friends/family or colleagues, i want to but when it comes down to it i always cry off.
The doctor said (without looking at my notes) no you haven't got that take these new antidepressants.
So i am now off work and at the end of my tether i just want to be re-assessed and given some support. I have had support in the passed but it wasn't of any help,
Sorry this is so long but if anyone has these episodes or think they can help in what is wrong with me i would much appreciate any feedback.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
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