I Think I have ROCD for over 10 years now

Hi, first let me tell you that english is not my first language, so i'm sorry for my bad english, and this is a 10 year problem so it will be long but i will try to shorten it out..

It all started from nothing, I was only 16 or 17 years old, I was dating my high school boyfriend for about 2 years... He wasn't the best boyfriend, he used to put me down and made me believe that I didn't deserve anyone else, Sometimes I thought I was in a state of depression because I felt lonely because he didn't let me spend time with my friends (Who I lost because of that) I couldn't wear cleavage or paint my nails and the justification he gave was that I wasn't considered an example of a good girl before dating him as I had already had a lot of boyfriends. I accepted this for a while, but in our last year of dating it was basically me running away from any physical interaction with him, making excuses, I just wanted to be alone at home, sometimes I think I hated him but I felt trapped, looking back I think that my ROCD started when an ex boyfriend tried to interact with me, he asked for my number and i started to fantasize that maybe i would like to try again with him and be with him so i broke up with my boyfriend but I immediately regretted it and I thought I was the worst person in the world for having done that, I shouldn't have done it. I was so afraid that my ex would find out that I thought for a second about getting back to him.

My high school boyfriend forgave me but my hell started, I suddenly had the urge to confess everything that my mind thought was wrong that I had done all my life.

All the thoughts with other guys, all the thoughts I had about how thin or ugly he was, about an uncertainty I had about my sexual orientation that I had never told anyone or even cared about, everything now mattered in my mind, but the worst thoughts were always about my ex, so I started doing rituals not to remember him: I started to dislike names with the same initial as his name; all the smells that reminded me of him I eliminated from my life (or tried to); I came to hate the color of his favorite t-shirt, and in the middle of it all I met the perfect person I'm still with today.

I feel bad for having met him in the midst of my mental chaos but I couldn't help but be with him, getting to know him and being happy! whenever I was with him all my thoughts disappeared and only came back when I got home and I was alone, I was so in love like I had never been before... until the thoughts started to invade my head more "maybe you don't like him , maybe you like your ex for whom you almost left your last boyfriend"; "What would it be like if you were now with your ex?" ; "I think he looks like my ex, did I pick him for that??" (btw he is not)...

I had so many thoughts, millions of thoughts and I had to confess them to my boyfriend!

I also had some manias like washing my hands or taking a shower after a bad thought... I felt better and prepared to start again for a while but soon it passed away and I had to wash my hands again. Another ritual was to line the bed limitlessly with a closet before I went to bed or I could dream of my ex, cleaning the house until it was shiny also helped me feel like we had a clean new start and at times it was super tiring.

So I confessed to my bf that I had this thoughts and manias about whether I would like my ex but he (my bf) was the one I loved with all my heart. I felt capable of dying just for having such thoughts! even now as i write this i feel shattered and with my anxiety at the highest level even after taking a lot of valerian.

He was devastated too and began to suspect me, that I would like my ex and not him. He tried to break up with me but I think that deep down he knows that I only love him and that these are just thoughts. I tried to talk to him about ROCD and how I thought it was my problem and he said my problem was maybe liking someone else and not him - it didn't help my state at all - so I had to stop sharing with him how i felt so i wouldn't lose him - I couldnt lose him, I still cant lose him, I only wan't him, and make a life with him, I just want this thoughs out of my head!!

he hasn't known for 5 years that I still have this problem! If he knows I will lose him because he doesn't realize that this problem exists and that it wasn't invented by me!

Right now almost every day I have to check up on that ex's page to see how uninterested I am with him. He's not an attractive person, he's married with kids and sometimes I have the voice in my head saying that's why I don't leave my boyfriend because he has a family now but that's not true.

Sometimes I think I don't have ROCD and i just like my ex but immediately i know how much i love my boyfriend and I spend hours and hours on this wheel and that causes me so much disgust and anxiety!

How could I like my ex if that makes me feel so unhappy???

I look at my boyfriend and I just want to be with him, I love him and at the same time I feel anxious and afraid to leave him for my ex.

I have been taking valerian to calm anxiety and 5-htp as a daily supplement for about 2 weeks now

and I decided to share my story to get some support as I never told anyone! I am immensely ashamed and afraid that they will think like my boyfriend: that I am interested in my ex!

To alleviate my thoughts, I sometimes think about having a child with my boyfriend and getting married, but this psychological condition of mine scares me and I want to be 100% for him and for our child, even if the idea of having a child make me forget everything i fear i'll never be a normal person!

What are your thougts on my terribly boring story?

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