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I think i'm bulimic. Now what???

Posted , 2 users are following.

Tibidabo12
Tibidabo12

Hello All,

Using this site just to get out how I feel. Feel like i'm tied up and have nowhere to turn at the minute.

I'm a 25 year old lad. Loved my food throughout growing up. But never worried about it. Family would be amazed by how much I could eat but i'm active and I never really strayed over 13 and a half stone. I would have nights of binging but it was fun.

Now it all changed 9 months ago really. I bought a house with my now fiancée. She was in education towards a degree at the time so it was left to me to pay the way until she completed. Which I knew and I was 100% fine with.

Now around the same time I started having difficulty with eating and have self diagnosed an intolerance to gluten and lactose. So I have removed them from my diet. But it resulted in me checking the labels of everything I eat and becoming much more aware of what I was putting inside me. This coupled with my money worries meant I was stressed and felt I had no control. I think this is where it began. By it I mean binging and then purging. It started on nights out with my mates. I'd drink, then eat, then the guilt, then purge when nobody was looking. This became all too easy and it began to happen when sober. After a big sunday roast. At one point just after a couple of small chocolates in work. I'd go to the toilets. I felt out of control. Stopped drinking entirely. And I now cycle 150 miles a week. I beat myself up if I dont do it. Feel like a failure. I usually succeed in it thought which makes me feel like i'm in control.

I binge and purge probably once a week. Usually sat or sunday. I'm very strict with my eating in the week so come saturday night the shackles come off. I did a food diary for a while. It seemed to help which made me feel like a worrier and that nothing was wrong so i'd stop. Then the purging would start again. The thing that amazes me is that i'm a clever lad, no my rights from wrongs, and yet sometimes i'm eating knowing full well i'll bring it all back up straight after. I cant understand it. I am obviously weak and out of control. Its embarrassing. I always thought I was strong and smart.

I have told my fiancée and she is supportive, but she doesn't know what to do. I dont tell her that i'm doing it so she thinks i'm over it and doing fine. I've told my Dad but he just found it difficult so has forgotten I ever mentioned it. It worries the life out of  me but I dont know what to do. It feels like thats just who I am. Nothing can change.

For your information my fiancée is now fully employed and we are both earning. I still worry about money, its in my blood, but we are doing great. I am very conscious about my weight and look. I see the very worst in myself. My gluten problems have been put on a 10 month weighting list. I just feel with Christmas coming up i'm going to really lose control.

I've gone on forever. But this is 9 months of thoughts on a page. Thanks for reading if you've got this far.

2 likes, 3 replies

3 Replies

  • Lillypad1
    Lillypad1 Tibidabo12

    Posted

    Hi, 

    This is the first time that I have even seen this website.  I had to register to enable me to reply to you.  I will give you a very brief history so that hopefully you will have some confidence in my reply to you.  I am now in my 40's and I have had Anorexia on and off since I was 20, but continually for the past 13 plus years.  I have spent a lot of time in hospitals and eating disorder units, so have met males and females with anorexia and/or bulimia.

    First of all, please believe me when I say that by recognising your behaviours and having the courage to share this with your fiance is a very good first step.  Also, it is known that eating disorders tend to occur in people with a good to high level of intelligence and high achievers, it can become our way of feeling we have some control in our lives, but this can quickly turn around without realising it and the disorder is actually controlling you.  You are not weak at all, there is no weakness in this illness, in fact we (people with ED's) actually have a lot of strength and a certain amount of stubborness. 

    Now you have shared this with your fiance, the next step is to seek help.  This isn't easy, but ED's have a very powerful hold on us.  There needs to be at least part of you that wants to fight this.  If you are worried about speaking to your GP on your own, ask your fiance to accompany you.  GP's now are becoming better at recognising ED's and the need for early intervention, you are at a stage where you can turn this around.  I have a friend who I met in an eating disorder unit, who is now recovering and has had a book published aimed particularly for men.  Luckily more men are coming forward to get help with this horrible illness.  If you want to, you can keep me posted on how you are doing?  Christmas time is a difficult time for most people, we all want the perfect day with no arguing, or who to visit etc.  Last year for the first time, I decided to give myself permission to have a day off, I also told my family, if I feel that things are becoming overwhelming, I might retreat to the bedroom for a while.  One of my issues is needing time alone.  The day went better than I had hoped, I kept reminding myself, it's only a few hours.  Have you contacted Beat?  they are a charity set up to help those with ED's and also offer support for families or carers.  They are online.

    I wish you well, take care. wink

    • Tibidabo12
      Tibidabo12 Lillypad1

      Posted

      Thank you so so much for your reply. I felt so much tension leave my body reading your response. It is the first real time anyone has given to me and my problems. Thank you.

      I haven't thought of approaching my GP. They have always been so unhelpful or thoughtful when I have gone for other problems so I dont believe they care. I feel its up to me to fight this and win it alone. It just feels like such a mountain.

      I've had Sunday dinner tonight and just seem to have no control. But your advice and time makes me feel like somebody is listening.

    • Lillypad1
      Lillypad1 Tibidabo12

      Posted

      I am pleased to see that you came back to the website, I do worry about people such as yourself who have found themselve's to have this very time consuming illness, especially when you feel you have to face it alone.  It is true when you have been unheard by doctors and families it is hard to take the steps to speak out again.  There are people out there who want to help you and listen.  If you feel unable to go to your GP just yet, please visit the Beat website, I haven't visited it for a while but found it reassuring especially approaching Christmas.  If memory serves me, they have some useful advice on coping with this time of year which is particularly hard for some.  If you would like, I am happy to offer you any support I can.  I didn't have Sunday dinner but have just treated myself by ordering a pizza... 

      Remember, even climbing a mountain begins with one step. 

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