I think I'm literally dying and I can't find help online anywhere

Posted , 5 users are following.

I'm not sure how to put this.. A lot has happened to me in the last few years, and I don't think I'm coping anymore. I have depression. And I think its gotten out of control. I've been self harming for nearly 6 years now. I've been bullied since I was a wee lassie and was always really contious about myself and still am today. It all got worse when I went into high school. I started cutting and burning myself. I've lost 4 close family members in 2 years (2 of them within 5 weeks of each other), I fell pregnant at early 15, the dad was really abusive but I loved him. I know it sounds daft coming from someone my age but I really did. But his behaviour didn't change when I had the baby. He never sees him, never helps, never buys anything for him. He was also cheating on me with someone and has now left me and our wee boy for her. I already had depression at the time, and I've attempted suicide 6 times in my life. Once I succeeded and my baby's dad brought me back(I'd hung myself but he got there in enough time that the CPR worked). I think my depressions just taken over now. I can't feel anything. No happiness, no anger, no hurt. Just fear. Fear of what's happened, what might happen and mostly the fear of myself. I don't feel in control Anymore. I find myself staring into space randomly and before I know it hours have gone by. I keep thinking about ways to kill myself. I've been selfharming without realising it. I don't know I've done it until its too late. I feel hollow and lost and scared. Its affecting everything. I can't sleep at night. I get really bad dreams. They're really messed up and make me so afraid. I can't leave the house alone either. I can't go anywhere without someone, I can't be in crowded public places or even in someone's living room with more than 3 folk in it. If I do get into these situations I start to twitch and fidget, I feel sick, I shake and my heart goes 10 to the dozen and makes me lightheaded. I struggle to eat. I find it hard to swallow food and even harder to keep it down. I've lost so much weight. I've gone from a large size 10 to a 6 in little over a month. I get really bad migraines too. I get crippling stomach and bowel pains that can leave me in a crumpled heap on the floor. I black out quite a lot. My legs just give way underneath me and everything goes dark. I get really horrible chest pains. It feels like someone its punching my chest full force over and over and over again. It feels like my chest is caving in or something and my heart just starts going nuts. It makes it sore up my shoulder and the top of my arm and makes me feel nausious and light headed. I struggle to breathe too. Even sitting down sometimes makes me loose my breath and I feel like I'm going to faint. I have a friend who's a junior paramedic and is the same age as me. When I told him this he just said 'please go to hospital'. Is it really that bad? Do I need to be watched? I don't know what to do. I'm lost scared and confused. Please give me some advice. I really need some..

1 like, 5 replies

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5 Replies

  • Posted

    Hello huni. Are you on medication? What is the doctors doing to support you? Xxx
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    • Posted

      I was on anti-depssants and they made me try and top myself so I paniced and stopped taking them. I haven't been to the doctors get, I meant to be going on Monday. I'm just scared cause i don't know if they'll put me in hospital xxx
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    • Posted

      Well you know in your heart that you've got to get some help, so you've got to tell the doctor how bad you feel. If those antidepressants didn't suit you, there are others you can try. Believe me, you won't be put in hospital unless it is essential. Because of the cutbacks, there isn't as many spaces in hospital, but there might be help out in the community for you - a Crisis Team, or similar. You are worried sick about what you might do, so you need to ask for help. Meanwhile, keep calm if you can, and perhaps write down what you want to say to the doctor.
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    • Posted

      When I first went on anti-depressants, I hated the side effects. I didn't know they would go away.But they did go away.  I went on and off a few times, I think a lot of people do. But in the end, they have given me a lot of stability. 

      I think a stay in the hospital might be okay, my sister was in and I would often go and visit. It might give you space to get on the anti  depressants, or anti anxiety meds with some medical attention around if you have a bad time at first. Big hugs to you.

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  • Posted

    Pixie's right - you really need to get some help. I wonder whether you're still living with your parents. You don't say much about your little boy, so I wonder who's helping you take care of him. He needs you, and he needs you in good health. You've obviously been through a lot, and far too early in your life, but that doesn't mean you can't recover.

    I'm glad to hear you're going to see the doctor on Monday. That's exactly the right thing to do, and you owe it to your son (as well as to yourself) to do it. And you must tell the doctor exactly what you've told us on this forum so he/she knows exactly what's going on. Not all anti-depressants suit every patient - there are lots of different ones so the doctor will be able to try you on something else. And it sounds as if you need to see a psychiatrist for some kind of "talking therapy" too. He's not going to put you into hospital.

    In the meantime, if you start getting the urge to harm yourself over the weekend, call a crisis line. If you're in the UK, call the Samaritans - you can google them. They're a completely anonymous service who won't be able to trace your call, but you'll be able to talk to a human being instead of a forum. If you're still under 18 (which sounds possible from your post) you can also call Childline, who have their own anonymous counselling service. If you're not in the UK, there'll certainly be a crisis line you can call in your area. But these are only stop-gap solutions for really bad moments, and can't replace getting proper medical help.

    Go and see the doctor on Monday, and make the first step to recovery.

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