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I'm not sure how to put this.. A lot has happened to me in the last few years, and I don't think I'm coping anymore. I have depression. And I think its gotten out of control. I've been self harming for nearly 6 years now. I've been bullied since I was a wee lassie and was always really contious about myself and still am today. It all got worse when I went into high school. I started cutting and burning myself. I've lost 4 close family members in 2 years (2 of them within 5 weeks of each other), I fell pregnant at early 15, the dad was really abusive but I loved him. I know it sounds daft coming from someone my age but I really did. But his behaviour didn't change when I had the baby. He never sees him, never helps, never buys anything for him. He was also cheating on me with someone and has now left me and our wee boy for her. I already had depression at the time, and I've attempted suicide 6 times in my life. Once I succeeded and my baby's dad brought me back(I'd hung myself but he got there in enough time that the CPR worked). I think my depressions just taken over now. I can't feel anything. No happiness, no anger, no hurt. Just fear. Fear of what's happened, what might happen and mostly the fear of myself. I don't feel in control Anymore. I find myself staring into space randomly and before I know it hours have gone by. I keep thinking about ways to kill myself. I've been selfharming without realising it. I don't know I've done it until its too late. I feel hollow and lost and scared. Its affecting everything. I can't sleep at night. I get really bad dreams. They're really messed up and make me so afraid. I can't leave the house alone either. I can't go anywhere without someone, I can't be in crowded public places or even in someone's living room with more than 3 folk in it. If I do get into these situations I start to twitch and fidget, I feel sick, I shake and my heart goes 10 to the dozen and makes me lightheaded. I struggle to eat. I find it hard to swallow food and even harder to keep it down. I've lost so much weight. I've gone from a large size 10 to a 6 in little over a month. I get really bad migraines too. I get crippling stomach and bowel pains that can leave me in a crumpled heap on the floor. I black out quite a lot. My legs just give way underneath me and everything goes dark. I get really horrible chest pains. It feels like someone its punching my chest full force over and over and over again. It feels like my chest is caving in or something and my heart just starts going nuts. It makes it sore up my shoulder and the top of my arm and makes me feel nausious and light headed. I struggle to breathe too. Even sitting down sometimes makes me loose my breath and I feel like I'm going to faint. I have a friend who's a junior paramedic and is the same age as me. When I told him this he just said 'please go to hospital'. Is it really that bad? Do I need to be watched? I don't know what to do. I'm lost scared and confused. Please give me some advice. I really need some..
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