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This started about nine or so months ago. A little after the birth of my daughter. I'd gained so much weight and I'd started making myself vomit after meals as well as taking laxatives.
My husband found out when I started vomiting up blood and decoupled ulcers. I promised to stop and I did for a while but started up again. After a while , I barely had a gag reflex and find it to hard to make myself sick. So it stopped. But I contuined the laxative abuse.
But then my grandfather died of cancer and I just slowly have stopped eating and my laxative abuse has gotten worse. I don't eat for days and when I do eat, the most I'll take in is about 900 calories on a good day. I normally eat roughly 500 to 600 and I've become obessed with counting them. If I go over that I feel horrible and get depressed. If I don't know how many calories are in something I want eat it. I have to weight myself all the time. I'm guessing I do at least fifteen times a day.
The laxative abuse has gotten bad. I take about five or so derclax, eat a whole bar of the chocolate ex lax, or drink some milk of magnesia. I do this everytime I eat unless I'm fasting.
I've tried to eat normal, I really have. But whenever I do I break down crying because the thought of all that food in me makes me sick. I feel like I don't deserve it or that I'm losing control when I do eat. Even if it's just a few chips or sething.
I know this isn't normal but does it sound like an eating disorder? Or do I just have a bad relationship with food? I'm not sure if I could be aware I have an eating disorder. And my weight range is normal. ( I actually just stopped being over wight due to this behavior. )
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It sounds like you're really poorly and you do need to get help. Please go and see your GP.
It is more common than people realise to develop eating disorders post-pregnancy. People asume that eating disorders are only for adolescent girls, but it can affect any gender at any age. You also mentioned something traumatic, and that can also have an impact.
I think the most important thing is to see a doctor and get a referal for therapy (I would also ask to see a dietitian, as it is hard to recovery from an eating disorder without nutritional education).
I am not going to lecture you, but laxatives don't cause weight loss, so they are really pointless taking. All they do is empty your bowels and drain your body of essential electrolytes (necessary for keeping the heart working). You become dehyrdated which is very dangerous, but also all you have lost in "weight" is fluid. It is a really difficult behaviour to give up, but I've done it, and many others have too. If you don't believe me about the dangers, I was hospitalised due to dangerously low potassium levels - a result of laxative abuse. If you want to take back control, working to give up the laxatives is the most important step.
On calories. First of all, it sounds like your lack of appetite is a result from the various traumas you have described. Some people comfort eat when they feel sad and hurt, other people can't face food. This is normal, but the difference is, when you take it to extremes, and when it becomes sustained and you don't actually know how to cope with difficult situations. When you eat 1200 or below your body goes into starvation mode. It means that your different organs conserve energy in a response to the "danger". This means your digestive system will slow down (so you won't actually lose much weight, and your fluctuations will be more extreme - upwards), your brain doesn't work as well, so you will have difficulty concentrating and sleeping. Your nervous system is affected and therefore you will experience far greater anxiety than if you were eating a more normal amount. So yes, you will feel more horrible and more depressed and very lethargic.
Finally, please don't tell yourself "just because I'm not an anorexic weight, I don't have an eating disorder". Anorexia nervosa is actually the least common of all eating disorders. Most people who suffer with an eating disorder are at a "normal" weight. It can be extremely painful mentally and is hindered more by the focus on eating disorders only being about anorexia.
I hope this information is useful. I have suffered with an eating disorder since the age of 11. I have had 1 lengthy inpatient admission and 2 hospital admissions because of it. I have continued to fight and now at 27 am doing the best I've ever done. I'm not recovered but getting further away from my eating disorder day by day. So it can be done, but you can't expect to do it alone.
Thank you for replying to me.
But I have no idea where to begin getting help for this tbh. I've started seeing a therapist and mentioned I have " problems with food" but that was just my first session.
Would I just go see a doctor and admit to my behavior and ask them to see what danmge are done because of it?
Do they run certain test that are different from other medical test? Because I've gotten blood work done for my ulcerative colitis and they didn't see anything out of the normal. ( I'm aware the laxative abuse is probably irratiing this.)
That's great to hear you are seeing a therapist. I really would be honest with them, because otherwise they can't help you properly if they don't know what the problem is.
Yes you are right, the GP should be your first port of call as there are physical issues going on as well as mental. Remember that the brain is an organ and so like with the heart, or digestive system or skin, if you are experiencing issues with the organ, then the GP is there to help find the best treatment for you.
There are all sorts of things the GP can help with monitoring and he/she will want to carry out some blood tests, as these can tell us what is going on such as with your heart and kidneys, due to the laxative abuse and vomiting.
Finally, I wouldn't think of it as "admitting". You are ill, would you admit you were having migraines, or not sleeping, or had a broken bone? No. Remember that eating disorders are not self inflicted, they are a person's reaction to difficult situations to deal with.
When you book an appointment, ask for a double appointment and make sure it is with a doctor you get on with/know well.
Plan what you want to say before you go. You don't have to say everything if you don't feel comfortable.
Beat - the eating disorder charity run a number of facilitated support groups, which I would recommend attending if there is one near you.
Hope this helps.
I'm sorry for all the qustions, but I just want to know, is it still an eating disorder if all I do is fast and abuse laxatives? ( I no longer vomit because I did it so much my gaga reflex is almost nonexistent and it gave me ulcer in my throat. It's just very painful to do so and almost makes me choke when I dage too so I've just stopped vomiting and increased the laxative abuse.)
I'm afraid I cannot diagnose you, but your doctor will be able to chat through your symptoms and come up with a conclusion.
There is a lot of guidance on the internet regarding what an eating disorder is and isn't. Eating disorders are not just about anorexia nervosa. Many sufferers eat, and vomit, restrict and vomit, restrict, overexercise, binge and so on. You can have any kind of combination of the above and that would present as having an unhealthy relationship with your body and food. I have never suffered from vomitting with my eating disorder, but laxative abuse and overexercise are often attributed to bulimia.
What I'm trying to say is it sounds like you are trying to justify not being in your eyes - ill enough, and perhaps a bit in denial about your challenges.
I really strongly recommend visiting your doctor.