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I have been with my partner for nearly 9 years, we met at school when we were 18 and have been together ever since – although it has been a very difficult relationship to be in a lot of the time.
I think I have always thought that someone hasn’t been quite right with him, he suffers with OCD and has always expressed quite often strange or unrealistic views about things. He seems to find it hard to maintain any meaningful long-term relationships with friends, and a lot of the time because of his behaviour, I get the impression a lot of people don’t like him or think he’s a bit of an a**ehole – which he can be at times, but knowing him better than anyone else, I see past this not so nice side of him, and the person I love is a caring, happy and fun person to be around and he is my best friend in the whole world.
One of the things over the years that has made me question whether there is something more to his behaviour, is his inability to stick at anything, including our relationship. I know he loves me, but from about 1 year onwards, nearly once a year he’d start to be really horrible to me and tell me he wasn’t happy and didn’t want to be with me anymore, I’d be devastated, but this might only last a couple of days, then he’d be really sorry, tell me he did love me and we’d go back to normal again. About 5 years ago, having been in a really good job, earning good money for about 4 years, he decided he wanted to pack it in and go into the army, this involved him taking a salary that was half the amount he had been earning previously, and I knew he would hate it – he had this totally unrealistic view on what it would be like, he would be thinking about the parades and all the glory and pride associated with this job and not the reality of what it would be like day to day. I tried to reason with him over it, but when he has something in his mind, everyone around him could think what he is doing is crazy, but it will make perfect sense to him and there is no reasoning with him at all. So he left his job, joined the army and after about a week I was waking up to messages from him absolutely desperate, hating it, needing to come home – which is what happened after 4 weeks, this was the earliest he was allowed to leave. After he came home, he was lucky and managed to re-join his previous line of work quite quickly, we went through a period about a year of things being really good and probably the most settled they have been.
He then changed his job again last October, which was a sensible move for progression, but quite a big change, and this totally unsettled everything again. About a month before he started, I found he had ordered some form of anti-depressants via an online pharmacy, he was obviously feeling quite bad at this point and didn’t feel able to go to the doctors to be paying £100 for a prescription, when he could have gone to the local GP! I was really concerned, but tried to support him, he wouldn’t tell me exactly what he was taking, but he was a little better for about a month, but he stupidly finished the prescription, thought he didn’t need them anymore because he felt better and didn’t take them anymore – things have just spiralled in the last year from this point.
When he started his new job at the end of October last year, he met a girl on his training course, who he began an affair with. He was normally a very health conscious person and had a lot of anxiety issues usually around ‘needing’ to go to the gym and eat healthily etc. this all stopped, he stopped exercising, ate rubbish and began going out with her after work or back to her house and drinking (large amounts) every night – half of the time he wouldn’t come home, he was getting into trouble at work for their stupid behaviour – all totally out of character for him. We were arguing a lot about the amount of time he was spending with her and he would just insist he was having fun and she was a friend. I think she was an escape from his real life and facing up to his responsibilities. I felt I was losing the person I loved and my best friend, he was becoming unrecognisable. When I would quite rightfully question his behaviour if he’d not been home for a few days, he’d blow up – he just wanted to come home and have a ‘nice time with me’, he try and blame me as the reason for his behaviour and why he wouldn’t come home. This went on until March, I think it was the glimpses of the person I loved that I would see occasionally for a couple of days that kept me going for that long, but when I found out for sure that he had been cheating on me, our relationship ended and he moved out to be with her.
He was only there a few days, said their relationship was never going to work out and he ending up staying with his parents. I kept my distance from him for about 3 months, I was terrified of seeing him, because I knew I’d take him back. After about 3 months, he was contacting me a lot, full of remorse, he seemed like the person I fell in love with again, eventually I agreed to meet and it was amazing just to see him and be with him again, and we got back together and he moved back home very shortly after that – probably too quickly in hindsight.
During the time we’d not been together, he told me of how he had slept with a lot of different women, but that it wasn’t what he wanted, he loved me and that was all he wanted to focus on now. After a great first month together, where we’d booked a holiday for a few weeks’ time, he heard from the girl he had cheated on me with, went to meet her and told me he was leaving me again. He went to her, but then came back after a couple of days, saying he did love me and wanted to be with me.
Since then, this has probably happened about 8 times – I know if people knew they’d think I was crazy for staying with him, but I know that this isn’t really him. I know deep down he loves me and he wants our relationship to work more than anything, but when he goes through these cycles of mood swings, he will say he knows he is doing the wrong thing and he’ll regret it, but he can’t stop himself. After a couple of days he can come back and be totally he old self again – it almost feels like I’m in a relationship with two totally different people. His relationship with this girl has also got him into more trouble at work and he is currently being investigated for gross misconduct and could lose his job as a result, which isn’t helping his stress levels – or mine!
There is so much more, but I am certain that he behaviour is the result of a condition such as bi polar, he is under the doctor at the moment, but just for depression, he is taking citalopram, but I don’t think he tells the doctor half of what is going on really – I think he just says he feels low etc. so the GP prescribes him the anti-depressants, which he doesn’t take properly a lot of the time. He’s gone from being on 40mg to stopping them dead and then feeling really unwell as a result. He has been taking them again at 20mg now for about a month, but I don’t think they are really helping him. He stopped letting me go to doctors’ appointments with him, so I can’t tell the doctor what I have witnessed behaviour wise etc.
I realise this is a really long post, but I am desperate now and have no idea what to do, I have suggested that he may have something like bi polar and he dismisses it, I don’t think he has a concept of ‘reality’ at the moment and doesn’t realise he is on the verge of ruining his life. I understand it must be hard to accept that you have something like this, but I think that’s because he doesn’t really know anything about the condition and doesn’t want to be labelled as having something like that. He will often say that he knows he is all over the place and that it’s a nightmare to be him and be inside his head, but I just want him to get proper help.
Any advice anyone can give would be so much appreciated, it is really lonely to be in this relationship at the moment, I don’t feel I can really tell my friends and family because a lot of them would just think he is treating me really badly and think I shouldn’t be with him, I don’t think they would accept that his behaviour might be caused by something like this. I love him with all my heart and I’m not ready to give up on him yet, but I am terrified if he doesn’t change, that he will ruin my life and his own.
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