I've Become Mum's Carer

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My 87 year old mum was widowed six years ago. She has never had friends or been able to sort her own finances out. I have often felt more like the parent than the child, to the point I moved 30 miles away to live my own life.

I have always visited and done her shopping every week, but when her mobility deteriorated she had a lot of falls resulting in a fractured femur and she could no longer cope alone.

When it came to it, I could not let her go into a nursing home and now she lives with me. Most of the time it's fine, but I sometimes feel very angry that she did not help herself more. A lot of her health problems are due to the fact she did not exercise and has always been overweight, but she has never taken responsibility for herself. Has anyone else had a similar experience or feel responsible for a parent? 

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10 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi Deb,I am a carer,for my Hubby.Hes got chronic on going osteoarthritis,is deaf and severely sighted.I too have osteoarthritis of hips,knees & hips. Before we married in 1980, we cared for my elderly late Dad,as my mother died in 1975. So I was the only girl.!! My two elder half-brother s didn't want to know.Even now as much as I adore my hubby there is not much help.Although I am forceful of his needs.you have rights and I urge you to get as much help as possible.Where about s are you? It's not easy but if you can't work, claim everything you can.Regards Amanda h

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    • Posted

      Hi Amanda

      Thanks for your reply. I too am the only girl and have two older brothers! Luckily my husband is supportive and I work a couple of days when he's home (but I have to get Mum up at 0530 before I go!).

      You sound as if you've got a lot to deal with as well as your own health problems and it is hard if you haven't much help.

      Regards Deb

       

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  • Posted

    Hi Deb,Thanks for your message.well done you with your Mum! Can you get any help? Does your Mum live with you? How about an aupair plus? Sometimes girls come over from abroad in need of a room .Where about are you in the UK? Thanks again regards Amanda
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    • Posted

      Hi Amanda,

      I live in the East Midlands area. Yes Mum lives with us in what was our dining room. I am her full time carer, but when we went on holiday she went into respite care in a home near my brothers, so she had plenty of visitors. I am trying to get her to go to a day care centre nearby, but she doesn't want to go.

      Where abouts are you? Do you have carers to help you at all?

      Deb

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    • Posted

      Hi Deb,Thanks for your message.I am in surrey,(Guildford) I have been a a carer for many years.Its not easy.I have a cleaner twice a week!Then 3 times a week we have Communicator guide.She is very good.& If Hugh wants to go into our local town,she helps him.If HuHubby wants to go to a garden centre we can.And the communicater guide will read his post .Anyway good to hear from you.regards Amanda &

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  • Posted

    Hi Deb,

    Me and my family cared for my Gran in a similar way up until she passed away and I understand how frustrating it can be. You're doing an amazing thing by caring for you mum like you are doing and it is more than reasonable for you to feel frustrated with the situation. My mum often found it extrememly frustrating with my Gran after my Grandpa died.

    I see that you've looked into getting some help and all I would say is be persitent. It's so important for you to take care of yourself as well - you deserve some help. Have you looked into getting a carer's assessment from your local authority yet? Your local authority is obliged to provide one if you request one and you might be entitled to some more help. Pushing for a support and needs assessment for your Mum might help as well cause she might be able to get some more help from the local authority. The only other advice I would give is to be persistent because you deserve all the hlep you can get, especially when you're doing such an amazing thing.

    I hope everything is going well. All the best.

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  • Posted

    Hi Deb, I was a carer for my Late Dad and also when we first got married we both looked after him for over 7 years not easy at all for us. Now I am a carer for my Disabled Husband, who isnt well and I am not great in myself. But its important to get as much support as you can from Social services and also carer groups. Who is your local council. If you cant work any more you will be able to have carers allownace, & maybe your Mum have attendance allowance. Both worth looking into to !! Regards Amandah

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