I’ve been a mess since June of 2020
Posted , 3 users are following.
Hello all,
This is going to be a long one, but I need to get it out there. I don't care if no one even reads this. I'm a 25 year old, married male. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression when I was about 13. Right now, I'm on 10mg of Lexapro, but I only take a half. I have some childhood trauma to contribute to my anxiety. It all really started back in March when the pandemic started. I was incredibly stressed from that. Anyway, in June of 2020, I got hit on the head at work. It wasn't a hard bump, my hands absorbed most of the blow. 2 weeks after that happened, I started getting terrible neck pain. I started Googling stuff, which I know is a TERRIBLE idea. I found all sorts of things that I didn't even knew existed. I went to the doctor, everything was fine. I decided to go to the chiropractor to see what they can do for me. They took an X-ray and found that I have a congenital abnormality in my neck. Two of my vertebrae never broke apart. Of course, I started Googling stuff again, convincing myself that I have a Chiari malformation. Then the pain in my neck moved down to my back. Googled stuff....... again. This time, I was sure I had syringomyelia. I wasn't eating, sleeping, nothing. I had horrible panic attacks when I would try to fall asleep. My heart would just start pounding, I would sit up and feel really nauseous. I was also convinced something was wrong with my heart. Back to the doctor I went. I told him about what I thought, and he was surprised I even knew how to pronounce it, let alone know what it was. I was reassured that there was no way I had it. I told him and the chiropractor that I have horrible posture, which they both told me could affect your neck and back in multiple ways (extreme pain). The doctor sent me for blood work to check to see if everything was okay. Everything came back fine. The only thing that was off was my LDL. It was slightly, and I mean SLIGHTLY elevated. 125 is the cut off, mine was 136. I finally got over all my neck and back troubles, the chiropractor really helped. That whole ordeal lasted until about October. I was starting to finally feel better. November 27th, my husband suffered a heart attack. I was so torn up. Back to not eating or sleeping. When he was finally released, we went over the doctor's orders. He's on a medicine for AFib. Wasn't too sure what it was, so I did the worst thing possible: I Googled what it was. Worst choice I could make. A couple weeks after that, I started getting a quick, sharp stabbing pain in the left side of my sternum. I'm able to touch it. Paging Dr. Google. Of course, all sorts of heart related issues pop up. Angina, heart failure, AFib, etc. My husband bought a KardiaMobile device, it takes an at home EKG. I wanted to try it. I got normal results each time, until Tuesday. I had just taken our dogs out, when I got the sharp stab in my sternum, causing me to panic. I came back in and decided to try the EKG. I got a result of "possible AFib". No, no, no, no. Did it again, same result. Tried it on my husband's phone, same result. Are you kidding me?!?!? I did an ECG on my Apple Watch, and it came back "high heart rate, no AFib detected". By now, I'm having the WORST panic attack. My heart is pounding out of my chest. I was finally able to calm down and checked my rhythm again, this time I got tachycardia. Waited a little bit, it came back normal. Yesterday, I did the same thing, took the dogs out and came back to do an EKG. Got a "possible AFib". Seriously? I've NEVER gotten that reading after any kind of exercise. Waited about 5 minutes, got a normal reading. I actually looked at a tachycardia reading and AFib reading, they look so similar. I even Googled an AFib EKG, it doesn't match up with what mine looks like. Most of my days now are just countless hours of Googling symptoms. Every little sensation I feel in my body makes me freak out now. I go to the doctor Monday. I've never been diagnosed with heart disease, it doesn't even run in my family. I had an echo back in 2016. It came back "borderline EKG". I don't even remember them contacting me about it, so I'm assuming it wasn't serious. Every time I go to the doctor, he listens to my heart and hasn't said anything. My BP is even normal. My health anxiety has gotten so much worse, I feel like it's taken over my life. I'm never happy anymore, and no one wants to talk to me, because all I do is talk about my health and what I found on Google. I feel like it's going to run me into the ground. I'm so burnt out.
-Zach
1 like, 5 replies
quentin05401 zachnepa
Edited
sounds a lot like what i go through myself. i am 24 and have dealt with this since i could remember. i have no advise sadly but its nice to know you are not alone. you are not crazy. i am always thinking i have health problems. take it easy brother. thank you for sharing
zachnepa quentin05401
Edited
@quentin05401, thanks for taking the time to read all that. I didn't think anyone would read the whole thing. I just needed to get it out there, it was tearing me apart.
quentin05401 zachnepa
Edited
of course! taking the time to talk about it can be very helpful. having a conversation with people who really understand what youre going through is even more comforting. its really something that sometimes your body and your brain can be on totally different pages. ive been to the doctors multiple times and have been told physically im totally fine healthy as can be BUT... my brain has convinced me im not. its so weird! maddening even! but in the end everything is.... OK. Learning to cope is the hardest part but not impossible!
zachnepa quentin05401
Edited
@quentin05401, my mother is to blame for my health anxiety. When I was a kid, EVERY little thing was an emergency to her. I coughed a couple times? Doctor. Had a 99° temp? Doctor. I was to the doctor just about every 2 weeks. It rubbed off on me. A tiny cut is a gash to me now. I've been trying so hard to break the cycle, but I keep falling back into it. It doesn't help that I'm around health issues all the time, I worry about my husband's health constantly. When he had his heart attack, it made me question my mortality. I can't even go to sleep now, because I fear that I'm going to go into AFib. I'll just be laying there, then all of a sudden, my heart starts pounding.
AnonymousWoman zachnepa
Edited
Sorry to hear that you are going through this, Zach. I also tend to get anxious about little things to do with my health. I can convince myself I have things too. When I requested my medical records recently, I realised how many tests I had that were all negative because I just wanted to check things out. 😕 But I don't think I suffer from this aspect of anxiety as much as you.
I notice you speak a lot about going to your GP, the chiropractor, getting tests done. In a way, I think testing your heart rate so much, is probably reinforcing the checking behaviour and googling things can become addictive. (That's why I'm back on here after a few years - trying to find answers from other patients about my withdrawal symptoms.)
I wonder have you ever tried therapy? I think that CBT could be very benificial for you. It could help you break down your thoughts, behaviours and emotions. What is the thought that goes behind the googling behaviour, or wanting to get tests, what is the reality of this thought or fear being true - evidence for and against and could you carry out another behaviour instead.
Of course it's important to look after our health - but not to the point that we are obsessing over it. I hope that doesn't sound harsh. I am just recognising that this is distressing you and I think you understand yourself that reducing the Googling etc. could help improve your wellbeing and quality of life. I really think CBT or even talk therapy could help.