I've been depressed for about 2 years and I just want everything to do away... What can I do?

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It's been 2 years since I've been depressed, but these last few months (before winter break) I thought it went away... I was happy, energetic, basically everything I was before. Now, it's been about a month and it feels like I'm back to where I started. Honestly, I would kill myself in one second if I wasn't with my parents. If I was by myself like at college and my parents wouldn't come to check up on me, I would kill myself. I could run away and do it but they would look for me and find me and then drama. I hate this and I hate my life. I know 100% that my dad hates me and that he always has. He's never once, ever, told me I love you or Good Job or something like that. He's never hugged me. Or shown affection unless my mom tells him to. My mom... well, when she gets mad at me, she screams stuff and she always triggers some type of worthless feeling. She always tells me that she hates me when she's mad at me and I can't deal with this anymore. No one loves me and I'm not the type of person to make others like me. I'm lazy, stupid, and ugly. What's the point of living and not killing myself if I have no future... it's not like I'm going to make a family or save someone' life? Ever since I hit these suicidal feelings, I keep on wishing that somehow instead of a happy person who is about to die and suffer, like with cancer or something like that, I wish I could just take their place. I mean, I deserve it and they don't. I don't understand why little kids are dying and I'm alive. I don't know what to do. I can't kill myself but I want to so bad. And the more time that goes by that I can't kill myself, the worse I feel. I just want someone to hold me and tell me that they love me for who I am, not that they're forced to. But I know no one is ever going to do that so what's the point. I can't tell my parents anything so I can't get meds and I can't go to a doctor, so I keep on trying to talk to people online but no one helps... the lifeline chat doesn't connect and strangers just tell me to kill myself already... I just need help, if someone can recommend anything. Thank you. 

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  • Posted

    Hi christine83638

    We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologies for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.

    If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The Samaritans offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.

    Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet here: https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts, which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.

    If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.

    Kindest regards

    Patient

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  • Posted

    Heyyy christine. Okay i read through your post and my friend had a similair problem (shes a girl) and i stood by her side not leaving her. I would check every 15 minutes if she is alive or not because of how much i care about her. Luckily i helped her so much that she now has a boyfriend and she is now in love. She hugged me and thanked me for everything i did and yeah. I can do the same with you. Because i care so much about you as well. My name is daniel and i really want to help you. If you have KIK i can keep in touch and be there for you every second of the way. We can become buddies xd. Thats your choice and im here for you <3. Make the right choices and dont be afraid to ask me anything. Im from the UK and im 16 years old in college. Just giving a little bit of background so you know who you are talking to hehe. So yea. Take it easy Christine!

    Love

    Daniel

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  • Posted

    Thats person who loves you and wants to help you online is me! Ignore the rude people. I dont get how they can just say that. Im sure your a beautiful girl. Im lazy as well so your not the only one 😂

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  • Posted

    Hi Christina. Thank you for writing in today. I cannot tell you how sorry I am for all the pain that you are in. Would you mind telling me how old you are and not specific just what country you live in? Diane
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  • Posted

    Hi Christine, i sure am sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult season of depression.  I've been in and out of it myself, although not quite as deep as you are.  First and foremost Christine, you are not unloved.  God loves you, and so do I.  Despite not knowing you are anything about you, I love you because you are a gift to this world.  While you feel worthless now, I promise you that someday you will be lifted and will experience some worthiness.  I don't like going "holy-rooly" on people because it's usually a quick turn off...but you can find comfort in God.  It's not always immediate, nor does it continue without interruption...but in the long term it's the way to go and the truth.  I have my own ups and downs in this area as well but I know that in the long run, it's the way to go.  Just because you father doesn't show affection doesn't necessarily mean that he has negative feelings towards you.  Most likely he was brought up in the same manner by his own parents and the behavior simply gets passed down from generation to generation.  My guess is that as the male figure in your life, he is characterizing the traits as he was "taught".  Simply put, he does not know how to show affections, display affection, or verbalize affection.  In addition, so many of us men have that macho thing about us that hinders any sort of affectionate behavior.  So please don't jump to conclusions.  I can't really theorize too much on your mother's attitude, but I would venture to say that her upbringing has a lot to do with the way she treats you as well.  Please don't kill yourself Christine and find someone within the christian realm to attach to.  Find a youth group (i'm guessing you're in your teens) and get involved.  Your time will come when you feel better about yourself and understand your parents behavior.

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  • Posted

    Hi Christine - sorry to read of your situation. You haven't stated your age. Are you still in school? Do you have access to a Counsellor there? It's important that you share what you are feeling and experiencing with a responsible adult who can help you access any support you need. Meanwhile, anyone who belittles, dismisses, or denigrates you - ignore them. They speak from a position of ignorance. 

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  • Posted

    Hi you are very young yet and have your whole life ahead of you.  I bet your parents both love you very much but maybe they don't like you much sometimes.  The reverse can be true too.  I remember fighting all the time with my mother and thinking the same as you,  but realised years later that she did love me in her own way.  I asked her why she always shouted at me and called me names and she said she was trying to encourage me and to get me to buck up because she was worried about me.  I bet that's the same with you.  I agree that it doesn't work does it but who said parents are perfect?  They might have spend their youth being shouted at and are just repeating the pattern!

    Also you don't know what your future will hold unless you are a clairvoyant?  No one does which is one of the things which makes life interesting.  You will get through this and follow your dreams in life so don't give in to the urge to kill yourself as that would be such a waste.  Get some medical help and hold on to hope. x

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