Posted , 7 users are following.
It's been 2 years since I've been depressed, but these last few months (before winter break) I thought it went away... I was happy, energetic, basically everything I was before. Now, it's been about a month and it feels like I'm back to where I started. Honestly, I would kill myself in one second if I wasn't with my parents. If I was by myself like at college and my parents wouldn't come to check up on me, I would kill myself. I could run away and do it but they would look for me and find me and then drama. I hate this and I hate my life. I know 100% that my dad hates me and that he always has. He's never once, ever, told me I love you or Good Job or something like that. He's never hugged me. Or shown affection unless my mom tells him to. My mom... well, when she gets mad at me, she screams stuff and she always triggers some type of worthless feeling. She always tells me that she hates me when she's mad at me and I can't deal with this anymore. No one loves me and I'm not the type of person to make others like me. I'm lazy, stupid, and ugly. What's the point of living and not killing myself if I have no future... it's not like I'm going to make a family or save someone' life? Ever since I hit these suicidal feelings, I keep on wishing that somehow instead of a happy person who is about to die and suffer, like with cancer or something like that, I wish I could just take their place. I mean, I deserve it and they don't. I don't understand why little kids are dying and I'm alive. I don't know what to do. I can't kill myself but I want to so bad. And the more time that goes by that I can't kill myself, the worse I feel. I just want someone to hold me and tell me that they love me for who I am, not that they're forced to. But I know no one is ever going to do that so what's the point. I can't tell my parents anything so I can't get meds and I can't go to a doctor, so I keep on trying to talk to people online but no one helps... the lifeline chat doesn't connect and strangers just tell me to kill myself already... I just need help, if someone can recommend anything. Thank you.
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