I've been depressed most of 56 years, and enough is enough.

Dear Leah - I don't know which I appreciate more, your hugs, knowing that you care, or being in your prayers.  They all are so generous of you and do make me feel better.  Thank you for reaching out to me.  You are a kind and giving spirit and I'm glad to know you are out there.

About the love, Deb - Unfortunately, I don't think so.  I think it was lust, obligation, greed, and insecurity that we called love.  When I look back at all of the poor decisions I've made, I really cringe. I realize that I didn't know how to do better then, and when you know better you do better; and I have been doing better and better.  But it is tremendously tiring and I think I'm just running out.  Maybe it's just time to accept where I am and learn to live there.  Thank you so much for your lovely words.

omg,   If anyone is so deserving of some cuddles right now,  it would be for you susan.. ALL FOR YOU xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dear Laura - I am overwhelmed by both the thoughtfulness and the truth of your response.  It touches me deeply that you have taken the time and effort to look at the "big picture" -- to give perspective where perspective is so needed - and to share some of your own story, to illustrate,  to educate and re-educate, and to connect where connection has been lost.

You have wisdom, compassion for yourself and others, and acceptance.  Please let them continue to serve you well.  For me, acceptance is like grabbing a handful of sand - I can hold it for a little while, but it slowly seeps away through the tiny spaces between my fingertips and is gone.  I have to be reminded to go to the beach again to get more.

I'm tired of always having to work at myself and my life.  I'm tired of not being OK just as I am.  I'm tired of the cycle.  I'm tired of being the one in the client chair rather than the doctor's chair.  As I read this last part over, I hear "whine, whine, whine."  So many people have it worse.  I am not a  young girl or a young mother in Syria.  I want so badly to just hold my tongue and be happy with what I have.  Many days I "act" and try to do that.  Many, many days of my life I am acting on the outside.  Maybe I was not and am not meant to be in the world - but of the world.  An old lady hermit writer somewhere cranking out obtuse poetry and an ambitious, depressing novel that becomes my life's work.  Never married, hardly ever seen. How many people over the years would have preferred that!

I realize I've begun to ramble a bit.  I'd like to be able to ramble without people thinking I'm crazy.  I'd like to have more pwersonal space than this small room crowded with books and papers that some days looks like a wharehouse.  I'd like to have the sense of peace you seem to have, Laura.  If I keep working, doesn't it mean I'm still looking?

Maybe its a case of stop working on yourself and accept the way you are..

I am not perfect, I have flaws and yes damaged through no fault of my own.. 

But I am not a bad person and there is a lot worse in the world than my mistakes..

I don't get it good all the time I would be lieing if I said I did.

 I totally understand what you mean by acceptance slipping out of your hands like sand and constantly having to go back to the beach.

What keeps me fighting is the fact that NONE of what happened is my fault.. 

That as much as it has had a massive affect on my life I am not going to lie down under it. 

 Like yourself I didn't deserve any of it and we both could have turned into something cruel, evil and ugly.. WE DID NOT..

I can tell by the way you write your a lovely lady that needs some peace of mind.  

Its working out what will give you that and accepting who you are flaws and all I feel is a big part  of that..

Not easy but but we need to give ourselves a break.. Stop fighting. Stop tiring ourselves out trying to be something we are not..

I watch so many people be selfish, uncaring, cruel, evil, thoughtless, greedy etc etc and live in their own heads quite content.  

You and I don't live content because we know what true pain is and we go out of are way not to cause it to others. 

 That can be tiring.  Being what people want us to be is tiring. We work on ourselves while others don't care how the behave..

Well I am so proud of who I am Susan and so should you be. 

Like myself you have fought your whole life to heal the damage caused and be a better person because of it. 

It is also a lonely place as so many don't get, understand or realise how their behaviour affects others and don't take responsibilty.

I do believe that if some of us didnt have the tough journey who would be there to help those that are going through it?? 

That the difficult times teach you about pain, hurt and cruelty and that its gives you a deeper level of understanding and empathy.

I think like myself you see the bigger picture that love comes with a price.

Real love is rare and most stick to their relationships out of loneliness, children, insecurity, abuse, money etc.

You are going through a difficult time at the minute and I see this as a time of change.  

What is making you so unhappy and what can you do to turn it around ??

Would you be happier on your own?

What have you always wanted for yourself? ( keeping it realistic of course ha ha) 

OOh and I don't hold my tongue either.  If something is upsetting me I let it out.  I am the one that opens the can of worms that people would prefer to hide under the rug..

Me, too Laura.  I am the one that always says the thing that every one is thinking but no one will say.  I think how you say it counts for a lot, but brushing things under the rug does no one any good.

The thing is, where are all these people for me now?  I helped dozens of people change their lives just by how I treated them and how I managed them -- my field is communications -- but no one helped me.  Not then and not now.  Different topic:  I've gotten so much better -- no longer need to deal with my childhood, for example -- but now I find I need to / want to I suppose deal with all of the messes I created when I was not functioning well for so many years.  It's a long list and frankly, I didn't anticipate encountering this many things I had to turn around and skills I needed to development.  Like emotion management skills.  Like finding myself in retirement with no money to live on.  Finding out my older brothers are not the people I thought they were.  Learning how to sleep well on a consistent basis.  Eating well and losing the weight (40 pounds so far, 25 to go).  Learning how and who to trust - and who not to.  Figuring out what I want to do with the rest of my life:  I don't know.  I do volunteer for two major groups -- but what is it I want to do?  How do I take care of an aging house, husband, and myself without money to hire help?  How did I end up like this?  It was not supposed to be like this.  I'm honestly asking, not whining...Laura, you seem to have accepted things so well.  Send me some of that.  I have fibro and 11 autoimmune diseases that tend to get in the way from time to time.

 

Hi Susan

Lovely to hear from you again

Trust me I know how you feel when it comes to friends.  I took really ill two years ago and developed fibro as well.  

All the people I was there for and supported all disappeared and this was within a support group I attended. None of them called up or phoned except one.

 One person that I had trusted so much of life with had not valued our frienship as much as I had and had 

to let them go due to their behaviour.

Another friend was that busy people pleasing everyone else instead of her best friend who was lying ill in bed.. That was a smack in the face as well..

So yes I understand how hurtful it is when you have been a loyal helpful friend and when it comes to you they don't want to know.

Admittedly I have started to harden due to this and have lost my trust and faith in people.  

Yes I come on here to help others as that is who I am and I cannot change my nature.  

I think when you have been through a lot and understand suffering you automatically reach out to others who are suffering to try and help..

I also think because we have done so much work on ourselves over the years, we understand ourselves better than anyone else and it

 makes it difficult for others to be supportive or they don't know how. 

 I also think because we are so self determined, independent and self reliant it comes across we dont need help..

Also the fact some people have not had our experiences so don't have the level of emotional awareness we would have had to learn..

So there is a lot of factors come into play..

As for family I had to remove myself from mine due to them being so dysfunctional in a unhealthy way. 

Plus I got tired of talking the truth and being made out to be the problem when I wasnt. So many lies made out about me just to cover their own backs.

 One of my parents does not helped this at all and the other one has never been around.

You say deal with all the "messes" you made when not functioning well.. Its seems very hard to call them messes as you where going through a difficult time.

I don't know anyone that can function properly when they are carrying so much weight on there shoulders. 

Life never turns out how we plan.  I was doing volunteer work, going to the gym, studying, crafting and working. 

Very involved in so many things and then bang I took ill and have been bascially confined to my home the last two years. 

I had so many plans and now they are gone.

I tried to go back to do Peer Advocacy but couldn't due to fatigue and fibromyalgia. As I wanted to at least be able to volunteer.

 I do hope to get involved with the Fibromyalgia groups where I live.

So yes I understand how things can take a massive turn and you have no control.  I have piled on weight where I was always thin.  

I have had depression since I took ill because I am finding it hard to come to terms with how my life is now. Plus the fatigue and pain gets me down.

I have just been  diagnosed with a brain anuersym and other illnesses.

So don't be fooled Susan I have this sorted I don't. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and make the best of what I have. 

 

You mentioned it once - I'm not sure how one does it, but would you like to go to private messaging so we can keep talking about the issues we seem to have in common?

Yes Susan that would be good..

Hi, laura11452

deb44437

Leah55 and

Charliee05390:  This is my last post.  My psychiatrist has asked me to get off all discussion boards dealing with depression as he is concerned they may be bringing back my old depression.  I trust him very much -- I made my major breakthroughs with him -- so I'm going to follow his request.  It has been an honor hearing from all of you as this discussion has proceeded.  Thank you so much for responding to my post, for your comforting words, your wisdom, your generosity, your beautiful spirits.  I am glad you are in the world and I am grateful you have been here for me.  You have made a difference in my life.  I wish all of you the very best -- keep working to get healthy because you deserve it.  God bless you all.  

Best of luck and God Bless!!!!

Good luck, and may God bless you always!!