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Hello to everyone, i would like to share my story with you, maybe someone can relate and/or give me some advice. In advance i have to say please excuse my English skills, its my 3rd language, i actually live in northern Europe.
A bit of my backstory: i'm 30, male, living alone. I moved to a different country. Born in a poor and later broken family. Complicated childhood, traumatized as a child. Did not finish high school. I have worked on and off since i was 18. I know what its like to have no money at all, and know how it feels when you earn more money than you can spend. I know what its like having a gorgeous girlfriend, have female attention and people being envious to me, but i also know what its like being alone on dry spell for many years. I know what its like owning an old crappy car, but i also know how it feels to own a brand new bmw. So, i think i have some life experience. Often i can find answers myself to my struggles, but at this point i'm just tired of it all.
I've been diagnosed with depression when i was 17, since then it has been a battle with it. The reason why i get depressed is because i hate myself. I have really bad memory, so sometimes i just forget that i'm depressed. But then i get reminded again after i do something stupid, which happens quite often. I hate myself because i'm lazy and stupid, insecure and very unreliable. I can say one thing but then usually do the total opposite. I often overreact even to minor problems and tend to be pessimistic about it. I'm very sensitive, emotional and quite weak minded. I really can't control myself much. I'm a grown ass man, but i still feel like i haven't grown up yet, kind of a man child. All those things about myself i hate so much. I don't know if anything can be done about it. I have talked to doctors, taken medicine. I have read books, articles and watched tons of videos about self help and depression and so on, but whatever i do, nothing really has helped. I often get suicidal thoughts, i'm just so tired of it, tired of living and trying at all.
Then main problem in my life is money or lack of it and no will to work for it. I just hate doing things. I hate getting up and going somewhere. Even things like cleaning and household, i can barely make myself do that, i just do it so it would not stink or get too messy.
When i was younger i could force myself to go to work and i had the energy to do the crappy jobs i had like: machine operator, mechanic/metal work, bus driver. But in the last years the bus driving job ate away the last strings of my patience and nerves . I get irritated and angry very easily now. So i just quit my job, i just could not take it anymore. I'm now living on unemployment benefits and my parents are helping a bit.
I feel like a total loser, i hate myself even more for that now. I'm embarrassed to talk to my friends or anyone. I feel like everyone around me have accepted the fact that you have to do some job even if you don't like it. But i can't accept it anymore, i hate that i have to go out and do some s**t what i hate for 8h a day for 5 days a week, i can't enjoy life like that. People say, then do something what you would like, well i'm not intelligent enough for that. I'm too stupid and uneducated to work with my mind. I could barely do those physically demanding jobs i had. But i would rather die than to do that kind of work again.
The only thing that helps me and makes me feel better is my passion for cars and driving. As silly as it seems, buying, owning and driving a car is the only thing that really pulls me out of depression. In those moments i can really enjoy life. People say to me, why not work as a mechanic then or a taxi driver, well, i hate manual labor or customer service. I feel i'm not intelligent or talented enough to do anything else.
So here i am now, alone, lost, with just enough money to feed myself. A 30y old burden to my parents. No motivation or will to do anything, getting very angry and annoyed at minor discomfort. Feeling sorry and pathetic. I have had some good moments in my life, but i don't feel that the struggle is really worth it. I never wanted to have wife and kids, as stupid as it seems, but all i ever wanted is earn money so i could buy cars and car parts, and i kinda did it. But at this point i'm just tired of it, tired of living, tired of the struggle. Very often in last years i have been thinking about suicide, whats the point of it anyway, like its the only way out...
Sorry for the long essay, but i really don't have anyone else to talk to. Maybe some of you can relate and suggest something. Thanks for reading.
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