I've been on and off depressed for 13 years now, i'm just tired of living...

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Hello to everyone, i would like to share my story with you, maybe someone can relate and/or give me some advice. In advance i have to say please excuse my English skills, its my 3rd language, i actually live in northern Europe. 

A bit of my backstory: i'm 30, male, living alone. I moved to a different country. Born in a poor and later broken family. Complicated childhood, traumatized as a child. Did not finish high school. I have worked on and off since i was 18. I know what its like to have no money at all, and know how it feels when you earn more money than you can spend. I know what its like having a gorgeous girlfriend, have female attention and people being envious to me, but i also know what its like being alone on dry spell for many years. I know what its like owning an old crappy car, but i also know how it feels to own a brand new bmw. So, i think i have some life experience. Often i can find answers myself to my struggles, but at this point i'm just tired of it all. 

I've been diagnosed with depression when i was 17, since then it has been a battle with it. The reason why i get depressed is because i hate myself. I have really bad memory, so sometimes i just forget that i'm depressed. But then i get reminded again after i do something stupid, which happens quite often. I hate myself because i'm lazy and stupid, insecure and very unreliable. I can say one thing but then usually do the total opposite. I often overreact even to minor problems and tend to be pessimistic about it. I'm very sensitive, emotional and quite weak minded. I really can't control myself much. I'm a grown ass man, but i still feel like i haven't grown up yet, kind of a man child. All those things about myself i hate so much. I don't know if anything can be done about it. I have talked to doctors, taken medicine. I have read books, articles and watched tons of videos about self help and depression and so on, but whatever i do, nothing really has helped. I often get suicidal thoughts, i'm just so tired of it, tired of living and trying at all.

Then main problem in my life is money or lack of it and no will to work for it. I just hate doing things. I hate getting up and going somewhere. Even things like cleaning and household, i can barely make myself do that, i just do it so it would not stink or get too messy. 

When i was younger i could force myself to go to work and i had the energy to do the crappy jobs i had like: machine operator, mechanic/metal work, bus driver. But in the last years the bus driving job ate away the last strings of my patience and nerves . I get irritated and angry very easily now. So i just quit my job, i just could not take it anymore. I'm now living on unemployment benefits and my parents are helping a bit. 

I feel like a total loser, i hate myself even more for that now. I'm embarrassed to talk to my friends or anyone. I feel like everyone around me have accepted the fact that you have to do some job even if you don't like it. But i can't accept it anymore, i hate that i have to go out and do some s**t what i hate for 8h a day for 5 days a week, i can't enjoy life like that. People say, then do something what you would like, well i'm not intelligent enough for that. I'm too stupid and uneducated to work with my mind. I could barely do those physically demanding jobs i had. But i would rather die than to do that kind of work again.

The only thing that helps me and makes me feel better is my passion for cars and driving. As silly as it seems, buying, owning and driving a car is the only thing that really pulls me out of depression. In those moments i can really enjoy life. People say to me, why not work as a mechanic then or a taxi driver, well, i hate manual labor or customer service. I feel i'm not intelligent or talented enough to do anything else. 

So here i am now, alone, lost, with just enough money to feed myself. A 30y old burden to my parents. No motivation or will to do anything, getting very angry and annoyed at minor discomfort. Feeling sorry and pathetic. I have had some good moments in my life, but i don't feel that the struggle is really worth it. I never wanted to have wife and kids, as stupid as it seems, but all i ever wanted is earn money so i could buy cars and car parts, and i kinda did it. But at this point i'm just tired of it, tired of living, tired of the struggle. Very often in last years i have been thinking about suicide, whats the point of it anyway, like its the only way out... 

Sorry for the long essay, but i really don't have anyone else to talk to. Maybe some of you can relate and suggest something. Thanks for reading. 

4 likes, 16 replies

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16 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi eugene07

    We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologies for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.

    If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The Samaritans offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.

    Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet here: https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts, which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.

    If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.

    Kindest regards

    Patient

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  • Posted

    FIrst off Eugene you are not unintelligent or stupid!  If English is not your first language then you must be able to learn because you have expressed yourself very well in English. 

    Since you don’t want manual labour jobs go back to school get your diploma. You can do online schooling so then you don’t have to leave your room. Maybe once you realize that you are smart you might feel better about yourself. 

    You also mentioned that your parents are helping you a bit. They haven’t given up on you they must see hope in you. 

    Please take the first step no matter how hard or small to recovery. ❤️

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    • Posted

      Thanks for reading my story and for the reply deb87510.

      I have also been thinking that getting some diploma is the only way to go for now. The most difficult thing is self control and discipline to study. At some point i know some difficulties will come up, ill overreact again and then self hatred comes back followed by depression. That's why i did not even finish nigh school, that's where all it all started. Its my mental weakness that ruins my life. But i will try as long as i can see some positivity. 

      Anyway, hearing some feedback from strangers really does make a difference. Thank you! 

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    • Posted

      Hello Eugene. The first thing that I thought while reading your email was how flawless your is your English. As has already been said you are very smart! Very. Depression takes a toll on your self esteem until you don't know who are anymore! It's a horrid disease. I didn't go to college until I was 35 and it's one of the best things that I ever did for myself. It took my knowledge and self esteem through the roof. You can go very slow..get a counselor maybe even at the university. And before you know it you could have an education in something you love!! Your parents love you and know that you like me have an illness that you can't help. I love my children and there isn't anything in this world that I would not do for them!! I don't judge them. You are too hard on yourself. If you had cancer would you beat yourself up or would you look for a doctor to help you? Get some medicine? I take antidepressants and they help! Be good to yourself! Keep writing to us. We care about each other here and understand each other. Diane

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    • Posted

      Thank you for the reply Diane. It really made me think and see things from a different perspective. You are right, depression really takes away my self esteem and makes me question myself. From parents perspective it must be really difficult to see their child with suicidal thoughts. They don't really understand it, but they try to help as mush as the can. But i really don't understand why im always so hard on myself. Thanks for giving me encouragement to go to college after 30, i was thinking maybe its too late and it would be kinda weird to be around overly ambitious kids. 

      I'm quite amazed how intelligent, understanding and supportive people are here, thanks again. 

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    • Posted

      Eugene you are welcome. Those 18 year old kids were so nice and accepting I could not believe it. They don't care how old you are you're all in the same pool of people trying to get an education and it's a great place to start over. Cool huh? 

      Yes depression can change how we think about things and mostly how we think about ourselves. We beat up on ourselves horribly. We would never do that to a friend. Would we? You sound more optimistic already. Puts a smile on my face. You can see that we all care about you here. Please keep writing to us please. Diane

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  • Posted

    Hey Eugene,

    The way you expressed yourself looks like you are not only smart but also very courageous.

    You mentioned that you are from northern Europe, would that mean you are entitled for free education? If so why not go for a diploma or degree and while there make some new friends and focus on the things you really admire. Also if you can visit a therapist that can help a lot, you see, right now you are fighting a war mentally and you might not be able to win it by yourself so go get some help as soon as possible should this be feasable.

    I believe you replied to one of my discussion and you could I am facing the same horrific experience. I quit my job because my deperession dictactes me I am full of regrets but if I tell people they will quickly start saying you deserve it etc...not knowing of my battle.

    Stay strong buddy and always get back here and chat with us, we need you as much as you need us, together we can help each other. Take a tiny step everyday and hopefully we can see the light very soon.

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    • Posted

      Hey kun43511, thanks for the reply. 

      Yes i did reply to your discussion. I could relate to you on some level. I also quit most of my jobs because of my depression, and where i used to live before i also could not find any help, so i offer you that you can message me or just chat in reply section, maybe we could figure something out. There were times when i could find some relieve. 

      You are right, the education here really is free, but its not easy to get in school, the competition is really big and they accept only limited amount of students. But sooner or later everyone gets a chance. I guess i just have to try. You need a diploma here for any kind of job, even cleaning offices.

      I really do need to meet new people here, most of my friends still live in my home country. 

      You made me think and you are right. seems like i really can't win my mental war alone. I have talked to doctors, therapists and psychologists over the years, but i felt that none of the could really help, most of them seemed to be more messed up than me, so i gave up for few years. But i will try again now, i already got an positive note from local mental clinic that i could get free therapy, since i'm unemployed. I just have been putting it on hold. 

      Thanks again for great feedback, it really does help. As you said: stay strong buddy!

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    • Posted

      Hey eugene,

      Glad you replied, we might not notice this but we are actually taking steps forwards regardless, and as they say if you fall then fall forward. The fact that you already contacted a clinic and thinking about further studies is promising.

      It is not going to be easy at all specially when you have those foul thoughts all the time. I myself for example try to stay away from negative people not knowing that im the most negative of them all so i try to shift my thinking. Helping people here and sometimes on the street really puts a smile on my face even for a second.

      For now I suggest to focus on getting back on your feet, hopefully this new clinic will be helpful to you. Then you can apply to all the colleges out there for further education.

      Many people think a successful person is someone who made it to the top but for me we are just as sucessful because with all that weight we keep pushing everyday to find a reason to live.

      Keep me updated buddy!

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  • Posted

    Eugene it makes me so happy to see you reply here and thinking about making changes. Good for you!! God bless and good luck! Diane
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  • Posted

    Thank you beautiful people for the kind words. When i wrote my post here i did not expect that kind of support and understanding. Having that kind of support group does make a difference and puts smile on my face. I will try and i hope that i can help some of you too here. 

    I will keep you updated. 

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  • Posted

    Eugene you have already helped me by being so honest! And by replying and letting us know how you feel about our suggestions. Again may I say I think you are smart and some day soon you will feel it!! Keep moving forward as Kun says. He's your friend. Diane

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  • Posted

    Hi Eugene - sorry to read of your situation. You have mentioned that you were diagnosed with depression at 17, but do not mention whether you have had any medications. I read in another of your posts that you are eligible for treatment at a local clinic, but that you have put that on hold. Might I suggest you are in the perfect position to use that opportunity? Plenty of free time, no distractions, and the very real possibility that there is finally an answer for you behind those doors. What you have described is a very real manifestation of depression - the self doubt, the self loathing, the feeling that we are useless and a failure. And all written in perfect English.  You are still young and there is a whole world waiting for you. Meanwhile, we are always here to talk.
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    • Posted

      Hi Wayne, thanks of the reply. 

      That's right i was first diagnosed with depression at 17. They did prescribe me some medicine and also therapy. I did not like any of it. What really helped me as a teen was when i got my drivers license and my first car, also meeting new friends. I found a source of positive energy and a support group. That helped more than any drug or therapy ever did.

      Later over the years when depression came back, i saw doctors again and did have some medication, but i never liked how they made me feel and i never really felt that they helped. I hate taking drugs and medicine, even painkillers. The last time as saw a psychologist was in march this year, and also they prescribed me serotonin pills, it was a total disaster! So that's the reason why i was putting on hold the visit to the new clinic, i simply don't trust conventional medicine. 

      But you are right, the timing seems to be perfect now, and i should give it a try at least, nothing much to lose. 

      Thank you for the push! 

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    • Posted

      Hi Eugene - thank you for responding. Maybe if you give it one more try, it's there anyway. otherwise you could look at herbal remedies, Lavender, Camomile, St Johns Wort etc. The new car in your teens is a clue. Maybe a new adventure of some description. Best of luck whatever you decide.

       

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    • Posted

      Hi Wayne, thanks for the tip. Some herbal remedies really did help a bit sometimes. I enjoy herbal teas and drink them daily, like camomile tea. And if i think about it, i guess subconsciously i have been looking for some sort of adventure. 

      Thank you!

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