I've had enough!

Gosh, what a horrible situation to find yourself in.  I can't feel your frustration (and anger) from reading your post.  Here are a few points to consider and I hope you find them useful.  First of all, you have a right to feel as you do!  I don't imagine for one minute that this is how you would have expected things to turn out.  It's okay to feel as you do.

Does your son acknowledge that his drinking is a) possibly a problem and b) causing you much frustration?

It's the answer to the above that will probably give you an idea of where to go with him next.  If he is acknowledging that his drinking is both of the above, then he can begin to get some help with it.  And you can, of course, help him to find the help that will be of most benefit to him.... and support him emotionally and with a roof over his head.

However, if he is unwilling to acknowledge the above, then you have two options - to either put up and shut up OR put boundaries down and be ready to start things moving the moment he breaks the first boundary.  I know it is easier said than done, but in the long run making him stand on his own two feet can be the kindest thing you do as well as potentially saving his life.

You may have heard of something called 'enabling'.  This is when you acknowledge that although his drinking and behaviour is not your fault, you are effectively giving him permission to continue in that same behaviour by such things as perhaps cleaning up after him, and doing lots of other things that means he seems zero consequences from his unacceptable behaviour.  Drinking every night to excess is not only damaging to his health, but it isn't a cheap thing to do!  Presumably he is able to spend all his dole money on alcohol because you provide him with a safe home and I would expect that you (out of love, obviously) maybe provide him with food, clothing, and no bills to pay.

So a 30 year old man doesn't want to work eh?  Well, I don't imagine for a moment that any workers WANT to work, but we do it because that is what adults do.  If he was applying for lots of jobs and trying to better himself then, again, I am sure you would continue to provide that roof over his head.  But it doesn't sound like he is doing any of that and, again, you are covering any consequences for his lifestyle.

If possible, I would suggest that you draw up a list, in the same way as if he was renting a property - rent, bills, food, heating, water, tv licence etc and you try talk to him when he is sober.  Not as mother to son, but as a woman to a man.

And if he is STILL unwilling to acknowledge his drinking and behaviour is unacceptable to you, then you will have to take steps to give him some tough love and get him out of the property until such time as he is wanting to better himself, at which point you will take him back, if needed.  Maybe his brothers could support you in this?  He may start to realise what life is about once he is fed up of kipping on friends/relatives sofas.....

The word is independence, and that is what he needs to be.  Once he has got that message, then he either sorts things out, or not.  Of course, you will still love him - but at 30 years old, you are not responsible to ensure his life is 'good' at the expense of your own life.  Be ready to support him as much as you can when he shows willingness to change (which I am sure you will!), but until then stop supporting him.

You obviously deserve a medal. Hard times are ahead for your son when he realises that the party is over. It has to stop.

I feel your pain, I really do, though for me it's my husband not my son.  But when you've loved and nurtured and brought someone up it must be even harder.  He will always be your son, your baby, and I think Joanna makes good points about how you encourage his independence.  Sadly someone gripped by alcohol doesn't see/ignores all the evidence that is obvious to everyone else, I know I have been that person (and still can be a bit).  

Do you worry that if you make him fully fund his life and lifestyle things might just get worse for him?  Maybe they might.  But as things stand they aren't going to get better.  You have some tough choices ahead but you are of an age when should should be able to put yourself first a bit and enjoy YOUR life.  

I do wish you well and please keep in touch on here.  Let us know how you get on talking to your son and trying to get him to take some responsibility.