I've had long term anxiety for a few years

Hello all. I made an account here to share my experience, and to seek similar experiences from others to see if there are ways to cope. I'm a 20 year old male, and I've had flutters of panic attacks since I was young. But they were never a problem, until some time in high school. At some point, the panic attacks were getting bad, and I had to go on Zoloft 125mg to try and combat them. But there were no lasting effects, I was still my old self. Then, in the summer between high school and college, I went on a trip where I had a much more severe panic attack than I had ever had, and I was several hours drive from home, in a place I had never been before. 

At that point, I had to stay overnight, and then I was driven home by friends in the morning. That was sort of a turning point, and when I thought the panic attack was supposed to stop it just kept going. I thought being home would fix things, but for the next week I endured constant panic attacks and anxiety. I was afraid I was going crazy the first day, and that feeling grew stronger as the anxiety kept up for days. Eventually, I realized that it wasn't going away any time soon. I had anxiety and panic attacks for about 3 months, the entire summer. I couldn't do a whole lot except worry, talk to a therapist, and occupy myself with whatever I could. I kept up with my zoloft. Slowly the symptons began to fade, and by the time I was starting college and living in a new city I was able to handle myself. Life returned to normal. 

The daily feeling was like this. I would wake up in the morning, and as I lay and tried to wake up properly, my heart started beating heavily. Eventually it hit a peak, and then a rush of cool goes through my body from my chest out. This is sort of a recurring cycle, throughout the morning, and I try to take my shower and get ready. But the feeling is strong and I am afraid. Sometimes, I shake very much, like trembling and ricketing. I struggle to keep my hold of reality for a moment, and I can't tell how much time is going by. It's very scary. At this point, I've come to terms with the fact that I'm panicing/having anxiety, and I move on with my day. The day can seem very long, and the week ahead seems longer. The thought of uncertainty in the next few months is enough to make me really scared. It's unlive-able, but I write this feeling off as a "fake feeling". But the strength of these feelings makes it seem like I'm going insane, losing my grip, and that is the worst feeling of all. 

As I eat breakfast, and interact with people around me, things start to feel better. Sometimes I hear of some problem, like with money, or someone being sick, or a big storm, and it feels terrible. I begin to panic again, as if the problem is relevant to anything. Sometimes I feel like I "need" things, like I need to talk to my mom, or need to have my food, or need to ride around in the car for a while. Being alone is very difficult, because there's nothing to remind me of normal life. That is a huge part of my experience - being home alone or driving in the car by myself on the highway in traffic, those are the hardest times. 

I tag along with my family members, helping them run errands, going with them to their yoga classes or what-have-you, and I occupy myself with books or games on my phone while I'm there. I can be very emotional at this point, and feel a strong urge to help people who feel the way I'm feeling because I know how it feels. Sometimes I have an appetite and sometimes I don't. 

By the end of the night, I fall asleep. This is usually easier than waking up, as long as I stay asleep through the night. There are times when I sit in the bathroom looking at my phone in the middle of the night, waiting for thoughts or feelings to subside. Nobody around, nothing to keep me grounded except the news and social networks and apps. The nights can be difficult. 

Here's the silver lining. It all came to an end, rather slowly but surely, after a few months. Those months were absolute torture, as anyone who has felt this way will attest. But I went off to college, had a roommate and a floor full of new people, classes to keep me occupied, parties to consider. It was a stroke of great luck, going to college at that point, and I found my old self, right where I left it. The panic resided in memories of difficult times. 

But that's not the end of the story - I still feel the way I described every once in a while. Namely, during significant transitions, such as the end of the first year of college, or the start of a new job. It can last a few weeks or more, in varying levels of anxiety. In these times, I keep relaxed, cope in my usual ways (separating fake feelings from real feelings, planning things to do, watching TV and movies, spending time with family members) and push forward. I talk to people when I feel like I can open up to them about how I feel. Talking about it is difficult because it makes it "real", instead of just flutters of panic that I can get in, say, the mornings before a trip or interview. But I know how it operates better and better as time goes on, and use that to my advantage in bearing through the tough weeks. 

I've had plenty of time to try new ways of handling panic attacks. Talking to someone, being driven around with the windows down, laying down in a "star" on the floor and embracing the pain, running cold water over my wrists, smelling a cologne bottle or smelling salts, calling out, curling up, and simply waiting it out. Those are the best strategies I have for when I panic. I try to decide on one or two when it's coming, and I stick to it. Focus on the fact that I'm panicking, and that it's a part of me. Then focus on the method I'm using for this attack, and remind myself not to go overboard and to use restraint to make sure there are no problems. Particularly important with things like cold water and cologne, since you don't really want to be freezing your arms or inhaling vast amounts of chemicals. Not advised. But that's an easy reminder, and even still you could get away with overdoing it. It's just something to avoid. 

Has anyone else felt this way before? Has anyone ever experienced this type of anxiety before? Are you feeling this way now? How do you cope with it? 

1 like, 2 replies