I've lost myself

However, the RA has not taken away who you really are. It may have done the other things - but buried in there somewhere is the same person you have always been. It is the first year or so of chronic illness that is the hardest. Once you find the right medication things usually look up - and a year after that you look back and see how far you have come. You may not be back where you were - but it will be much better.

Be comforted: this too shall pass.

Hi Steelctygirl, sorry you are having a blue day and can totally relate to how you are feeling. I am nearly 68 and was diagnosed with an an inflammatory arthritis about eighteen months ago. After trying a lot of different medications which made me feel ill, I am now on Benepali injections. They help with the swelling, but the pain is still there. Plus hair, skin and weight is rubbish.

Mine is in a few joints, but the worst is in my feet.

After doing a 20 minute walk twice a day, swimming and running around the park with my Grandchildren, I am lucky if I can manage to limp a few yards!!

I also look at myself in the mirror and think exactly how you feel. I feel trapped in a painful body.

However when I look at my Grandchildren, I can hear the birds sing and smell the flowers, I feel lucky. That's what I keep telling myself. Today my husband drove us to the coast, I couldn't walk much, but it was lovely to be out of the 4 walls. I hope you soon feel a little easier. Sorry for going on, but I have felt in dispair over the last few days, but today has helped. Probably will pay for it tomorrow, but it was worth it. Take care. 😊

Hi there,

I don't think you are vain at all.  I will be 69 very soon and know exactly where you are coming from.  You seem to wake up one morning and the girl that once was so full of vim and vigour is gone and although our mind is still strong, our body is not.

I was looking through some photo's the other day at pictures taken a few years ago and I looked totally different nowadays.  All that energy has been swapped overnight by something much stronger than us and in place is a tired, older looking person that I never really imagined I would turn into. 

My problems started many years ago, but has progressively worsened over the past 5 years.  I had a cancerous lump cut from my face last month and now I can add a lovely scar to my other wrinkles.   I have to laugh or I might cry.

I don't take a lot of meds as unfortunately most things seem to upset my system. Thank goodness I have a very supportive hubby who really keeps me going and reminds me sometimes that things could be worse.   Hang on in there, the warmer weather is hopefully just around the corner. x

Hi there. Replying on behalf of my mum who was diagnosed almost 18months ago now and will be 85 this coming summer. Mum was a fit 83 year old when RA hit her out of the blue. Getting older and less able to dig the garden yes, but, that other new person she see's now, that just can't be her! She wants you to know she understands how you feel! However, slowly she has adapted, though some days are glum psychologically as well as physically. We do get out in the car, good that spring is coming and hopefully we can do that a little more. I'm at work all day so look forward to weekend and holidays to spend time together. Mum has invested in a couple wigs which help her too. Inside, just the same lovely mum she has always been and will always be. Bet your family and friends think just the same. Take care. 🙂

Hi,

Just wanted to say I totally understand how you feel and you are not being vain at all. I was diagnosed a few months ago, I'm 38 but I feel so much older just now, it's knocked me right on my backside.

You are to be commended for still keeping moving and getting yourself out there, it's not easy at all. Hope you start to feel better soon

If you are shallow and vain, then so am i! I have a fairly new set of friends as I moved to the coast when I retired so they didn't know me five years ago when I was a bundle of 59 year old energy. We were looking at photos one day and I showed them one of me as a dark haired slim 40 year old and one of me at fifty five still fit but blonde, they couldn't hide the disbelief that this short grey haired fat hobbling woman of 63 was the same person! I wanted to cry and I want that person back too. I don't think it's vanity, I don't know about you but I don't command the same respect as I did, until this hit I was holding down a very responsible job as financial officer and had worked in administration for more years than I care to admit, yet I had two of these new friends explain to me how to set out a simple newsletter and others tried to tell me how to do a spreadsheet! I was mortified that they assumed this fat grey haired old woman couldn't do these things.

I have lost myself too I have just turned 55 and although I feel better than a year ago I look like I'm 100! This disease is horrid I've always been slim, active and fit now I struggle to hold down my job. I've lost my sparkle, hair and some friends. I hear you all and send my support in finding ourselves again.

 thanks so much for expressing what most of us feel on and off as we try and cope with the physical losses we see.  Everyones' responses were heartfelt and I must say we are all in this together.  Looking in the mirror lately is a challenge.  I do try not to dwell on it  but some days much worse than others.   I try not to think too far into the future so I can handle ea day on it's own  

Here's too better days ahead hopefully for all of us

HI steelctygirl, don't be so hard on yourself. Ra is a progressive difficult disease to live with. Some days it does feel like it has won the battle. We have to fight for so much. Try & remember once we become diagnosed we will all go thru a mourning process. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression & finally acceptance. We have lost part of lives, part of our ability to function, we go thru these stages as we mourn for what we once were. We go back & fourth in them, going backwards often. It's ok. We deserve to give ourselves a break. If we get out of bed we ate winning. Celebrate the little accomplishments!

You most certainly are not vain and shallow!

Having who we are change almost overnight to unrecognisable is a massive challenge and one that people can't understand.

I am 28 and was diagnosed over a year ago. Up until a couple of months ago i was the girl that would not be seen dead without any make up on or hair done just to buy some milk! Now I am lucky if i can even be bothered to wash my hair, and I just can't be bothered with the make up at all. I'm too tired all of the time.

I look a mess and feel a mess and how we look and feel about ourselves is a massive part of our identity, so please don't feel that it's not important!

I am glad you have a loving supportive family. And for everyone else that replied too, we are doing great!

It's a very hard lonely illness that people do not understand.

Well done everyone, you're awesome!!