I've lost the will to live.
Posted , 7 users are following.
I saw a similar post on this site and lots of nice people replied so I thought I'd make a post.
Basically I just can't live anymore, I really really can't. I've just turned 18 and I have been struggling since I started secondary school about 7 years ago. It started with anxiety because I went into such a big school and I couldn't cope and halfway through year 8 I just stopped going. Since then my life has just been misrable. I have just been made to feel like a huge inconvenience mainly to my mum because she's a single mum, she didn't need to be dealing with me.
I went through chams which is the biggest, most soul destroying, pile of sh*t ever. For 7 years I've been pushed from pillar to post, I can't think of anything they did to help me, if they weren't being massively useless then they would just go off the grid and I'd hear nothing from them, like I just didn't exist. At the beginning of last year i was reffered to a different programme where I didn't even get a phone call or anything from these people then a year later I get a letter saying they hope I found their services helpful and that was me finished with them.
In year 10 I was put in a referral school for other kids with similar problems. That was ok until me and a friend were 'groomed' by a music teacher, he got arrested and I reluctant to go in, but I did and got got some really bad GCSE's at the end. I tried to go to collage but I couldn't do it, the thought of sitting in a classroom and being in that environment just kills me, if rather go out and walk into oncoming traffic, I just physically and mentally cannot do it no matter how hard I try and I have no idea why.
Once again It made my mum so angry that I wasn't going and I told her how i felt and that I wanted to die and then I just didn't go back to collage and that was that really.
Whenever I try to tell her anything she will tell my brothers who will basically take the p**s out of me And she'll tell anyone really. There's no privacy. I started self harming when i was about 11 and that became a family event. Obviosly when she found out she told my brothers and obviously they took the p**s because of it.
I've never been helped by anyone, nothing has ever made me feel better.
For the last few months I've been feeling ok but then it hit me like a brick, I don't want to do this Any more. I don't want to go back and forth to the GP or to therapists. I've got nothing to live for, I've got no talents, no life, no confidence to go out and do anything, no qualification, I've got no friends.
This whole thing is boring to everyone around me especially my mum. She's got the kind of 'get off your arse' approach.
I need to go back to collage Everyone is putting pressure of on me, my mum's enrolling me on a course tomorrow but I know history is going repeat itself for the 100th time and I just cannot do it anymore. I honestly don't feel like I should be here, I'm not cut out for life itself. I can't listen to the whole 'it will get better' because for the last 7 years it's been getting worse and waking up in the morning is so painful it makes me cry. I have no one to tell this to and I literally have nothing going for me. Everyone my age was out with their friends going to parties and then there's me sat in a doctor's office with my mum telling them I have no friends.
Some people are so successful and just good at being alive but then you have me who's just a huge waste of space. There really is no reason for me. I'm stuck here and I don't want to do it any longer.
2 likes, 7 replies
sue322 isabellle72447
Posted
Oh, Isabelle, what a cry from the heart. You sound so very desperate. I wish your family could see your heart ache and desperation so that they would know how very real your suffering is. I wish I had some easy answers for you, but I do want to tell you to hang on in there. You are not alone.
I hope that someone on this site who has better information might be able to point you in the direction of practical help - people you can talk to who will really listen. But don't give up looking for help.
I don't know why things have been so difficult for you. But someone who has gone through all that you have is not someone "with nothing going for them" - you are amazing to have got this far.
Please keep reaching out for help.
Sue
dondons isabellle72447
Posted
I'm sorry for what you've been through Hun and your family should be more supportive but it's most likely because they don't understand it but it's still not really an excuse.
You're still so young and things will change for you, just stick at it, im sure good things will come your way soon xx
DarkDancingZoe isabellle72447
Posted
I have been in a similar situation before. It is really hard, but it is important to stay strong. There are resources out there that can help you. There are suicidal hotline's, and maybe if you have a doctor they can refer you to a therapist. But, it is very important that you get the help you need. Also, do things that make you happy. Like drawing, writing, meditating, singing, and other various activities. But don't do anything that could cause you self harm. Don't do anything that can endanger your life.
Even though it may not feel like it, people love you. People care. If you don't know what you're counties suicidal hotline is, look it up on the Internet. I have done that before when I was in a very bad situation. Also, yes people get successful, but also, you can be successful. It is hard work, but it is doable. Also, just remember, that sometimes even though those successful people's lives look perfect, there not perfect. Nobody's life is absolutely perfect. Everybody struggles with something. I hope this helps you. You're not alone.
borderriever isabellle72447
Posted
Sorry you are going through such a rough time. You are not alone where Students make a mess of their early years of educations. My early years, until my twenties were a real problem and I was a Professional Education Failure until I found my interest and took some various examinations that were not related to the profession I was forced to follow until I was medically retired.
You need to consider your interests before enrolling into college and taking any trade or subjects you do not like or have no interest in. Yes I can understand enrolling into several GCE Course to gain qualifications as they will point you into the direction you wish to go in Life. In the 60/70 Maths, Science and English were the basic three subjects and we seemed to then be pushed in that direction until we had decided on a basic pathway to our next stages in life and subjects. All I can say is look for that way forward. Remember some people are not suited to professions that need basic education and some employers may take you on and have you trained to do a certain job.
Whatever you decide it will be your choice, no-one else. To push and pressurize will not do you or anyone else who knows you any good. You need support and encouragement
Make an appointment with your GP a double appointment, also make a list of your concerns and what happened in your early years,and the treatment pathways you were introduced to or not. There may be ways that your GP will be able to help. Remember your GP is in partnership with you as for as your Health Concerns are.
Good Luck
BOB
antig isabellle72447
Posted
I understand. I am going through these things. I am much older than you. 15 years of this.
What keeps me going? 2 things in my life. God and my daughter.
Still, it is extremely hard. A daily struggle.
My advice to you is to find help from a completely different source. Be that God or another doctor. You are very young. You need proper help and guidance.
Ring NHS direct. Now! Explain everything. There is proper help out there for you.
God bless you
brenda69464 isabellle72447
Posted
Please.....Isabelle ,try again.
You need to go to the hospital . Don't leave the hospital until you see a Doctor who will listen to you. They will. They know what you are feeling and will not judge you.
From the way your message reads,you have NO family support,that is sad because you need help and support. You have come here for it and I hope you will take our advice.
You are absolutely not a huge waste of space. You have skills and talents which your illness is keeping hidden. Give yourself a chance to find them,you are young and have much to offer to the world.
PLEASE,,,continue to seek medical intervention.
Hugs Brenda in Ontario
sue322 isabellle72447
Posted
Been thinking of you since you first posted.
Just wanted to say I hope you are managing to hang on in there - and that you find a doctor or other health professional who will really listen.
Sue