1. Community
  2. Mental health
  3. Depression

I Want To Die. But I can't kill myself

Posted , 29 users are following.

LegendEcho
LegendEcho

I wanted to start this off my saying thank you for taking the time to read this. I am 26, married with 2 boys all under the age of 4. Here is where things go wrong for me and I don't know if anyone can relate or help. I was a law enforcement officer for an elite agency in the government. 4 years ago I was arrested and charged with several crimes that I did not commit. My boss was responsible for them and it happened when I was still operating in Iraq as a Navy SEAL. I was arrested and the story was made public. But the news got it wrong of course and made me look crazy and responsible. I was put on house arrest when I was released from jail. The next day my father suddenly died of a heart attack. I was hospitalized for 2 weeks due to a stress induced heart attack myself. My family and church stopped associating with me. My family found my situation funny. They completely outcasted me.  10 months later my wife cheated on me with a couple guys (had a threesome) and wasn't sorry for it at all. I became an alcoholic and extremely suicidal. After a couple attempts will medication I just stopped caring. I since quit drinking. But since the case happened I had to move myself and my family in my mom's house. I hate that. I can't get a job because of this pending case. The court system has pushed my case off for 4 years! I try my best to look for things to be happy about but I can't even take care of my kids, or put gas in my car. Pay my phone bill. I don't feel like a man anymore. I get disrespected by the police that constantly comes to my house, by my so called wife, my mother. They talk to me like I am nothing. I have to wear this ankle monitor like I am some kind of criminal. It's a constant reminder. This case should have been over 2 years ago but they don't care by life is on hold and I am drowning. I didn't do anything to deserve this. I won't kill myself, but if death came by way I wouldn't move out of the way. Everyone wants to tell me it's going to be fine, just be strong or get over it. like they can relate...  I don't care about life anymore. I want to die I cry so often, I am overwhelmed. I haven't been able to sleep in 3 years without taking something to knock me out. I don't have PTSD from service and I have had multiple court-ordered psych evals that prove I am mentally stable. This case is what is making me lose my soul. I have done everything I can to make things better. There is no time limit on how long the courts can take and we are nowhere near the end. I want to die so I can be done with this pain that I feel 30 seconds out of every minute of each day. All I feel is sadness and disappointment. I wish I was never born. I wish my parents never met. I am hopeless

7 likes, 26 replies

26 Replies

Prev
  • steve13313
    steve13313 LegendEcho

    Posted

    Hope thongs werk out for u. Ive got a different situation where if i were to die tommorow id b in a better place. Im addicted to crack cocain. Bin to rehab thru the VA. Im bak out doing the same s**t. Im not a dummy. Ive bin able to stop gambling. Quit drinking byt tgis is my one demon. Its like a curse. Dont want to take my own life but if i were to drop over dead tommorow id b in a better place
  • rod004
    rod004 LegendEcho

    Posted

    I feel not loved by my parents. I have tried to kill myself once and the thoughts are coming back they make me feel like I’m not with loving. My dad was an abusive alcoholic when I was young and it emotionally scarred me. Now he emotionally harasses me 

  • lona18689
    lona18689 LegendEcho

    Posted

    I can't even believe how hard and unfair life can be and worse to people who don't deserve it. This is the reason why I don't believe God Cares . I just don't understand how it is possible to suffer until you have nothing to look to. 

  • sierra76911
    sierra76911 LegendEcho

    Posted

    I was having a very difficult day and happened upon your post. Can you tell me how you're doing now? Was the situation resolved? I have felt as you and my faith is tested beyond what I think I can bear and has me questioning whether there is any truth to the Bible.

    I read about a young girl from Guatemala who was promised a job in America by a Mexican grandmother but was forced into prostitution instead. She was raped many times each day and said she didn't believe there was a God anymore.

    My faith is almost gone and I see there are others who despair of life as well. Just know you're not alone.

  • nabiy96248
    nabiy96248 LegendEcho

    Posted

    after reading it i will only say live for yourself you deserve to live. and yes i know this case will break you down every single second but believe in yourself it is not your fault so you will get free from this case sooner or later but you will be free for sure one day till then live for yourself every second whenever you see that ankle monitor you should tell yourself its just temporary and it was not your fault. and everyday tell yourself you deserve to live a happy life and you will live that life for sure... be strong for yourself because no one will love you more then yourself.

    • Dude13
      Dude13 nabiy96248

      Posted

      live for yourself! stop trying to be tyrant! NOBODY LIKES tyrants!

  • wayne65727
    wayne65727 LegendEcho

    Edited

    First of all, thank you for your service. I cannot even pretend to imagine how you feel, brother. I feel hopeless inside. I feel like whatever was good in me died years ago. I don't want to hurt my family by committing suicide. I too wish I was never born, so i wouldn't have to live in this shell of a person filled with hopelessness and contempt for myself.

    I hope you find some peace soon. Take care

  • Dude13
    Dude13 LegendEcho

    Posted

    1st mistake becoming part of tyranny as a cop! arresting kids for mask violations and harassing people in food joints! yah tuff man you are! YOU GOT what you deserved! Now what did you learn from it? Nothing!!!! take responsibility for your own actions! man up! you were a part of tyranny and got you pinky caught in the jar! Hope you did prison time! Nothing Honorable about being a cop! how could a supposed seal do something that dumb! so for the tyranny you installed on the people, carma paid you back! Still have dreams off being as tyrant! to bad! we took that away from you!

  • ManoloC
    ManoloC LegendEcho

    Posted

    I appreciate I'm seeing this post years on, but if you are still with us and your situation is similar, I implore you to please look up Somatic Experiencing and Sensorimotor therapy. They have helped me immensely, and are not conventional. They're the reason I'm alive today, after many years of work.

    I know what it's like to have everything hit you at once, through no fault of your own, and have to claw your way out of the depths of hell. I'm still doing it to this day.

    You are incredibly brave for posting this, and if the people around you can't see it it says far more about them than it does about you! You are worth saving!

    If you still need and want to pursue this, I'd be happy to help you find the treatment (if you tell me the city/town you're based).

Back to top
Prev

Report or request deletion

Thanks for your help!

We want the community to be a useful resource for our users but it is important to remember that the community are not moderated or reviewed by doctors and so you should not rely on opinions or advice given by other users in respect of any healthcare matters. Always speak to your doctor before acting and in cases of emergency seek appropriate medical assistance immediately. Use of the community is subject to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and steps will be taken to remove posts identified as being in breach of those terms.