I want to kill myself but I feel already regretful

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I think I got the edge of my life. I have been homeless since Christmas time, I lost my job and my University was the only thing that was going ook until I received my last marked coursework which was lower than I was expecting.

I am fighting everyday to change my life but it seems the world is against me. I tried already overdose, strangulation, poisoning and cutting. None of them worked, it seems even at killing myself I am a failure.

Also I have mental health conditions which don't help at all and I see my partner suffering with me every single day. I believe it would be a relief for him if I just die and he find someone better.

I tired of living. Really. And I don't know what to do because I also see how much he cried when I tried to kill myself and both thought it would work out. (I felt really bad for him)

It is indeed a mind blowing.

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18 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi

    You say that you are have a mental health condition - what is your diagnosis? I assume that you are under a doctor or a psychiatrist. I assume that you have been to a hospital after making attempts to your life. Has this not got back to your doctor/psychaitrist?

    Assuming that you are under a doctor you need to go to your doctor/social worker/care oordinator?

    You can speak to Samaritans but they will not provide advice and they don't make judgements they just listen.

    Did you lose your job because of your behaviour or MH condition?

    I am sorry for asking all these questions, but you present this as simply your inability to take your life - it is hard to take your life - I know.

    for a mental health condition? Either way you should go and see your doctor?

    It is unclear to me whether your desire to take your life is as a result of being made homeless or if it predated it?

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    • Posted

      My mental health problem is a tumor in the brain. I was kicked out from the job whent they found out as well as from my previous house. The landlady said she didn't want to live with a person like me and the job didn't want a sick person.

      The hospital discharged me, they say I am ok, I am strong enough to carry on...."they say"....I just go on and on because I have someone on my side. But I believe I got the edge and that person deserves also a better life, he doesn't need to suffer because of a mental person....

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    • Posted

      Dark Angel, as a former neuro trained nurse I'm having a bit of a problem with this one. You say you have a brain tumour, and this can of course cause severe mental health and behavioural problems. But if a brain tumour has been diagnosed, you must be having, or have had, treatment of some kind.

      It's up to you as to how much you want to share on a public forum, but I can't help feeling we're not getting the whole story here.

      And Nick is right - it is very difficult to kill yourself. And very easy to leave yourself with serious brain damage but still alive.

      You say the hospital discharged you. I'm wondering whether you're talking about a psychiatric hospital or a specialist neuro unit that was treating your brain tumour.

      Clearly, no one on this forum can give you (or anyone else) any professional help. However, it would help people make suggestions if you could give us a bit more of the story.

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    • Posted

      Hi

      Your tumour in your brain is not in itself a mental health problem although it is quite understandable if it is causing for mental health problems.

      Has the tumour been removed ie is it benign or is it still there (I am not a doctor so excuse me for my inexact language)?

      Either way you require counselling and you are entitled to counselling through your doctor - this might be through your surgery or at another location.

      You can receive counselling through MIND but you do generally need referral through your GP - I think that you do need to have a diagnosed MH condition.

      I am still unclear whether you have a diagnosed mental health condition. The tumour might have been causing one, but it is not a MH condition in itself.

      You say that you were kicked out of your job because of your tumour - this is illegal. Were you in hospital for any length of time? You say when they found out - I don't see how they could have avoided it. If you don't mind me asking - what sort of job did you do that you would have been kicked out just like that.

      Similarly I don't see how you could have been kicked out of your house when they found out. Obviously they can't do that but why would they want to do it - you are not going to infect anyone or affect anyone? I don't understand.

      Again sorry for all the questions.

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    • Posted

      Brain tumour diagnose when I was born....Mental health team discharged....so King George, Goodmays, Queen's and Newham hospital are tired of having me there because of my trials rolleyes....

      I feel so weak that I cannot even kill myself properly...

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    • Posted

      I told to the police about the kicks out and they just said "it is a civil matter we cannot do anything"....it was bad.....

      Well attached to the tumour I have severe anxiety and depression so this drive to the attempts I reckon...

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    • Posted

      Yes, that's what's worrying me - it is indeed very difficult to "kill oneself properly". I've even seen people who put a bullet through their brain and still survived, albeit in a completely handicapped state. Please stop experimenting with these suicide attempts.

      Thanks for the clarification of the tumour situation. I understand that now. Some babies are indeed born with a particular type of brain tumour. I'm assuming you had it removed? Even so, I know that could have left you with some behavioural problems, and you have all my sympathy.

      On the other hand, you seem not to have done too badly in life until recently. You got into university, so the tumour clearly didn't leave you intellectually impaired. And the drop in your marks was probably just down to anxiety. You have a partner too, who clearly loves you and wants to be there for you. People who are severely mentally impaired don't form successful, loving relationships like yours. Are you living with your partner, btw? You say you're homeless, so I can't quite work that one out.

      I don't know why all those hospitals pulled the plug on you, of course. However, sometimes we get to a point in mental illness (and I've been there) when we have to take a long hard look at ourselves and make some effort. I don't mean the famous "Pull yourself together". That's never helpful. But if you're to get well again you're going to have to work with the doctors and/or therapists treating you.

      You're obviously quite young so you have youth on your side. Could you try going back to your GP and telling him/her that you really want to get well now? There's no magic bullet for your condition, but you've obviously had a pretty successful, fulfilled life till quite recently and it seems to me that you have every chance of coming back from the edge.

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    • Posted

      I went......they said, no proves no help....sorry.....

      so like I said.....living in this world is like wasting time...and I am also wasting people time.....I am a pain in the back for everyone....I just should die and that would be the happiest day of the world

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    • Posted

      It cannot be removed sad.....according to the doctors I would never go further the A levels...but I fought so much to prove them wrong.....I know I have limitations, but I am as well so prefectionist.

      It seems like I need a miracle

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    • Posted

      I understand. I have a friend who has a calcified tumour deep in her brain too. Like you, she has a few personality problems but her main problem is that it affects her sight. It hasn't stopped her from living a full life though. She too went to university, worked as a teacher and now has two grown-up kids.

      You're obviously a high achiever. Getting into university puts you above average in the general population, let alone those with neurological problems. And you did prove them wrong, didn't you?

      You say you're a perfectionist, which has probably helped you get so far in your studies. However, there's nothing wrong in accepting that you can't be perfect all the time. Reading your original post, it looks as if you haven't been kicked out of university. There's still time to have another go at your studies, even if you don't do as well as you'd hoped to. Cut yourself some slack.

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    • Posted

      I think I just had too much and I can't handle anymore. Being homeless doesn't help, being unemployed doesn't help. I feel so useless, so disgusting....Screw me...
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    • Posted

      Angel, where are you actually living at the moment? I mean, are you couch-surfing, living with your parents, your partner, in a hostel?
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    • Posted

      You want to stop being perfectionist - easier said than done - none of us are perfect. All you are doing is beating yourself up - and you are trying to do that literally.

      Maybe doing a job and university at the same time was not manageable.

      I was in hospital 6 or 7 years ago. Then 3 years ago at a friend from my MH daycentre I went to an open evening at Birkbeck College where they do evening courses at both undergrad and pg level. I was just going to have a look but I ended up registering for 4 courses.

      I realised quite soon that I was totally out of my depth, I was still on meds and I probably couldn't focus. I continued to the end of 2 courses but I didn't even look at the results.

      As Lily said you were accepted at uni and therefore you have the ability but it was probably not the right time. You can try again later. Nothing ventured nothing won.

      What was the problem with the work? You were not able to do the work. 20 years ago I returned to my job after a breakdown. I was given a year and after that they decided that I wasn't performed to the level required. I was offered early retirement with a payoff and a pension. I had no option. Otherwise I would have been sacked.

      It was the best thing that happened to me. I was massively unhappy with b****y awful colleagues.

      Maybe your job was too stressful. Many clever people choose to do less demanding jobs because it gives them the opportunity to do other things.

      I am just making suggestions. I don't know your precise situation but I hope that this is helpful.

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    • Posted

      Me and my partner are living in a shelter since Christmas.....He finally got a job but due to my health condition (severe depression, suicidal attemption, severe anxiety) I cannot have stability to get a job as well. The job centre doesn't give us JSA because he got a job (only this week) and as we are partners I am not entitle either....They don't provide us council us neither housing and benefits and I worked for the government many years and paid my taxes and so did he.....

      I just want to go to Chelmsford (here he is working now) and leave London for good.

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    • Posted

      I was working at Mcdonalds and I was bullied all the time by my manager since she found out my problem and she fired me when she got the chance.
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