I want to scream, rip my hair, cut it, and let go...

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My whole life I have kept my anger, my sadness to myself. Ever since I was young I always knew not to let my anger out, because I knew my anger was different. People have bad days, and vent out, but I've never given in to that. Every time I feel my anger coming I feel like if I let it out someone or something is waiting for me to let go. I always felt like someone wants me to let it out, I always feel the presense of a person waiting to take over. So I can never give in to my anger. So last night, something personal happened to me, and I was trying to cope but couldn't. I wanted to scream, and keep screaming throw everything, pull out my hair, cut it ( I have very long hair) and wanted to let go, and curl up in a ball, and again in my mind I saw a shadow of a person waiting for me. They walked towards me, I looked up, and they came towards me. That was the end of it. 

I tried going to bed to sleep, and I felt the pressense of that person staring at me from behind my back. So I stayed up until I couldn't feel that person anymore. I don't know what's wrong with me, all I know is that once I let go, I won't be the same...

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  • Posted

    hi i can relate to  a lot of hat u have mentioned, i've been seeing my GP for 3 years, tis important to book an appoinment an mention everything u have within ur post,
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    • Posted

      Thank you for your advice as well! I have a problem expressing myself to therapist, I had one for many years but got no where because I have a problem expressing myself. TBH this is the *first time* and I really mean the first time I have ever put myself out there and spoken to people online about my problem. I have never spoken about this to anyone, so I really appreciate all of your advices. 
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  • Posted

    Hi Winterose, 

    I think maybe what you experience is along the lines of hearing voices, having auditory or visual hallucinations.  This is not to say that you are mentally ill and have a label of any kind, not at all.  It used to be, and still is, really, that symptoms like yours were immediately jumped on as psychosis to be medicated away.  There is NO imbalance that must be treated, whether for depression, anxiety or any other mental illness.  Though they have tried, big pharma and the psych field has done tons of research looking for the disease process and couldn't find one.

    Yours is just a different way that the unconscious is trying to communicate.

    For instance, schizophrenia traditionally is treated that way, but the hearing voices movement brings attention to the fact that the voices are actually communicating an innner injury of sorts that is not being addressed.  These signs need to be listened to and learned from in order for healing to begin.   

    I'll send you a link to information on this.  I do think that the right kind of therapy can help you discover what this is about and help you deal with what it all means.  For instance, there's a fear there of expressing your anger, that it isn't ok, which could be connected to feeling unworthy of having such emotions, that you aren't deserving to have such feelings.  But you are!  You really are!  But right now it feels perhaps unsafe to have anger.

     

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    • Posted

      Thank you betsy for your advice, I truly appreciate it. Yesterday I spent most day trying to control the need of doing something like that. I feel like I might lose control over myself or who I am as a person. I thought about seeking therapy in hopes of it to help me, but if you could point me out over more information I would really like that. 
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    • Posted

      The hearing voices website has a forum, and I would recommend signing on there and asking those there what types of things they have found helpful.  That would be one place to start, because the peers really have been in the trenches and can give the best guidance.

      Have you ever journaled your anger?  It seems to me you are afraid that if you let your anger fly, something bad will happen, maybe you'll disappear or something along those lines.  So, what about starting small, lettting some of it come out in a less extreme way, to start, and seeing how that feels? 

      I came from a protestant upbringing where we were discouraged from exhibiting uncomfortable emotions.  We were never punished as such, but we felt shame for disappointing my parents.  I remember as a little kid watching my parents argue loudly and feeling so distressed.  As a teenage I shoved feelings down and numbed out with an eating disorder.  We were supposed to be smart, get high marks, be perfect etc. so I became my own worst critic and had very low self-esteem, lack of confidence.  I don't recall experiencing anger. 

      A type of CBT that I am doing, called Emotional Brain Training, taught me how to process emotions.  You start by thinking of a situation that has you really upset.  You can write this out.  "The situation that I am most upset about is ..........."  Then you write out your angers.  "I'm angry that..."  "I hate that...." "I can't stand it that......"  and you do that until you can't come up with any more.  Then you move to sadness:  "I feel sad that...."  "I'm unhappy that...."  "I feel distressed that...."  When you can't come up with any more, you  move to fear:  "I'm afraid that....."  "I find it scary that....."  And when you are done with those, you come to guilt:  "I feel guilty that...." "I regret that...."  "I wish I hadn't ......"  And now, you come to your Unreasonable Expectation.  You may state it as an expectation.  "Of course I would feel this way about this situation, because I expect that......"  Usuall that expectation is really quite unreasonable.  It might be something like "of course bad things happen to me because I'm a bad person and I don't deserve good things."

      Now, if anyone else were to say this expectation to you, you would see it as unreasonable, yes?  So, next you come up with a reasonable expecation that your brain can accept. It might be "It's not true that I am a bad person."  "It's not true that I am unworthy."  "It's not true that I don't deserve love."  "It's not true that my feelings don't matter."

      It has to be something that your brain can accept.  For me, in the beginning, it didn't feel right to say "I'm a good person," but it felt more acceptable to say "It's not true that I'm not a good person."  Now, you grind it in.  This is your mantra that you recite to yourself 20, 50, 100 times a day.  You start out saying it very slowly, putting emphasis on different words in the sentence each time you say it.  Then you start to say it faster, with more conviction.  Then you say it with happiness in your voice.  You can even sing it!  By the end, you should feel unburdened, lighter.  You repeat this every day for at least a week.  You are rewiring your brain.

      So, that's the long version!  This is something that anyone can do for any situation that is troubling, distressing, causing anger and upset.  I think if you write all this out, it will be a gentle way to ease into it, where you can see that nothing bad happens by processing your emotions.  Because that is where you are stuck, right now - unable to process your emotions, and they need to be acknowledged, by you if no body else.  Right now you are struggling to control these feelings, like a bottle of soda being shaken, ready to pop!  You need a safe way of processing your feelings so that they don't fester and cause you to want to do something extreme.

      We call these "Cycles" in EBT.  You could even do a cycle about your fear of letting your anger out, that the dark presence will come.

      There's also a lot of CBT self-help online, and it's just a matter of searching and finding exercises that resonate with you.

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    • Posted

      Thank you betsy your replies have greatly helped me also. To winterrose as silly as this may sound right now please try not to worry. I have a feeling you will become stronger from this. Being a 26 year old male I have lost many cherished feminine relationships because of my supressed anger. The expression of which has been a vicious cycle until I through an ongoing process, have been able to see it for what it truly is; suppression. I can now feel leas begrudged about the past and can act with what I include in my personal mantra in my head as 'calm serenity'. It doesnt have to have a reason except for that it feels good.

      And btw your description of how you want to express your anger is completely beautiful. Do not be ashamed you have it. You are what you are, a primal being. On a societal scale people cannot sense that. On an individial, I for one certainly can.

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    • Posted

      Thank you betsy for your words, they are truly helpful, and useful, not to mention I've never heard anything like it before. I tried writing things down, but I feel guilt, and ashamed of writing horrible words. I even feel ashamed for writing this for even posting about it here. I wish I didn't but I can't undo it, and I can't stop replying, because I am grateful for the help you offer, and your words, but at the same time I don't want to know that a piece of me is floating on the internet for others to see. I know it sounds stupid, but it's something I've never done, so it feels.wrong/...but could I have maybe a link for this? I don't even know what EBT and CBT is.
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    • Posted

      Thank you Blad for your kind words, I don't know what to say, but thank you, because what you said felt comforting. 
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