I wish I had the courage to kill myself. I wish everything would end.
Posted , 15 users are following.
I don't know why I am writing this as nothing ever changes for the better. But, here I am and so I write. I'll skip any War and Peace details of what led me here, and try to stick to a brief summary of the Cliff's Notes, but at age 44 I fell so far short of even the most base and modest of expectations I set for myself. Nothing I set out to do worked out. I've suffered from bipolar since I was 13, though I was misdiagnosed until just over four years ago. In high school, I never kept friends for very long, though I started dating my first wife then and dated her for eight years until we were married. After we married, she lost interest in me and moved out. I met my second wife a few years and a new state later; we pushed up the date of our wedding so that our daughter, unplanned but never unwanted, could be born to married parents. After a few years, that marriage went to hell too because I hurt our daughter (something for which I will never forgive myself. Not now, not ever.) and she wisely divorced me. I went to college for seven years, both undergrad and grad, but was never able to earn the Masters degree I needed to teach; this was about the time marriage number one was ending and I got effectively run out of grad school under very questionable circumstances which I was too stressed and too worn out to fight. I earned another degree for a new career, but I couldn't keep any position and fell into debt.
Now, I'm living at home because I have no alternative, with parents who don't want me there and are ashamed of me because I fail at everything. My second wife has put a lot of barriers in between my daughter and I, and the good relationship we have in spite of my actions is now gradually eroding away as she enters her teenage years. I have no real friends, no one I can confide in or even just spend time with, and any thoughts of a relationship seem like pipe dreams. Even if anyone should take interest in me, I have no business in any relationship as I seem capable of only inflicting pain and receiving pain in return. I hide the pain, the anger, and the bitterness I feel just to be able to engage in simple human interactions, but after less than an hour I just want to hide again. This is not living. This is mere existence.
I worked hard and I did things right. I never drank, I never did drugs, and I take my medications as prescribed. I did what I was supposed to. I worked so hard to become good at something, and then did the same again from scratch only to have it never work out either. I sought medical help for my dark moods, only to have my psychiatrist feed a benzodiazapine addiction of his creation for years. I have sought therapists to talk to only to find them unreceptive, even hostile, to my plight. I wish this was all over. My world has only gotten darker, and in my bitterness and my anger I generally hate everyone, most of all myself. I always think that I would like to put dear old dad's .45 caliber to my head and pull the trigger, but my failure is so complete that I can't even kill myself. I don't believe that any man or god will save me; the former is indifferent to undesirables such as myself and the latter does not exist. But if the rest of my existence should continue on this downward spiral, I see no real point of continuing with any self-delusion when all hope is gone. I'm just too much of a coward to do it.
2 likes, 10 replies
Solemn Sterling_Cat
Edited
It's not your fault that life has to be this way. But commuting suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem. You are going through a hard time but you just need to pull through, enjoy what the world has for you until your time is up. Life life to the fullest and try to find happiness somewhere, you might meet someone who is willing to accompany you on that journey to.
Sterling_Cat Solemn
Edited
I've heard the phrase "a permanent solution to a temporary problem" through the years, and it rings increasingly hollow as time passes. In my experience, happiness is a temporary feeling, both rare and fleeting. This started for me over thirty years ago, and over time has only grown in its severity. Over the years the goals and dreams I once created have never panned out, forcing me to create new ones, which again do not pan out. At what point does a person simply run out of the energy necessary to keep fighting? While it's true that I am unsure as to whether or not I have reached this point, I have realized that my own endurance has flagged and that such resources are finite.
jeannisha97114 Sterling_Cat
Posted
Your not a coward that means it's not meant for you to do it.. do not give up love life is hard. We have ups and downs good and bad but we have to continue to try to make the best of it.. i understand you completely. After my problems with my marriage I suffered from depression and anxiety and it's still ongoing and it's tough and sucks I sometimes wake up just wanting to end it all. But rather u believe it or not we all have something to live for.. ???? Keep your head up
Margusha Sterling_Cat
Edited
borderriever Sterling_Cat
Posted
Sterlingcat
You mention you had a diagnosed ?, Bipolar condition since your early teens and that has followed you through to now at forty four years old, married twice with a daughter fast becoming a young lady.
You have not mentioned if you have had any treatment or medications to help you with your problems. Marriage can be very problematic with a Manic Condition and negative thoughts will become self fulfilling.
You mention seeing a Specialist although you do not explain anything treatments you have had. that have been any benefit.
Have you been given any medications other than the one mentioned ?
When we are given courses in CBT they will try and move you on, with the help of SSRI medication, they generally increase depleated medications in the brain. You will have been introduced to various coping techniques that you learn and hopefully control your mental health concerns. You fail to mention if something happened in your teens that caused your condition.
I would suggest you are not a failure, you have been to College and past various qualifications, although the breaking up of your first marriage seems to have been a negative time in your life.
Your second marriage, Has been problematic, regards daughter and some form of negative actions on your behalf.
All I can suggest to you is that you approach your problems as bites of concern, split each into small bites the same with other problems you have. Take each problem and deal with little bites, the problem will become less.
If you get stuck move on to the next one and do the same until you address all these traffic jams in your Life. Hopefully that may help you move on.
You also need another course of CBT, you will be able to bounce of your concerns with your Councillor and they will hopefully suggest ways to help you move on. However understand only you can take that pathway to a more controlled eventful life and begin to understand the best ways to approach your problems.
Look for diversions in your life, Hobbies, they may help you. In the UK we have charities that run day centres etc, if you can .get yourself into one of these centres you will gain support from other like minded people who will not judge you. You may even be given a course of CBT to move you on.
It is very important you move on the past has gone, you have the future to live for, try living for the day, the future will be there to suprise you and hopefully your new found confidence will become more fulfilling.
In my case a new day is that a new day my past is generally forgotten because on my short term memory concerns. I find the forgetting the past is a good way to look forward to the future, stop dwelling on what could have been look now at what will be hopefully in the future.
You I feel lives in America, if you are feeling Suicidal go to your Doctor or A and E and explain your negative thoughts
BOB
isabella82120 Sterling_Cat
Posted
lisa36703 Sterling_Cat
Edited
To the people posting cliches, please stop. It is obvious this is not a temporary problem, except in the idea that life is temporary. It is also obvious this person has put a lot of effort into his life so the 10% reference is ridiculous. I'm sorry. I'm having a bad day. I do not have the same concerns but I am 49 and have suffered from depression since I was 8. I have spent probably close to 30k in counseling since I was 22. I get sadder and lonelier the older I get. I make less money than I did 10 years ago. I have no support system and my biggest regret in life is that I never had the courage to kill myself. I am afraid I will fail and then I'll be in even a worse place. Every night I go to bed wishing I wouldn't wake up. You are not alone in your pain. That's the only comfort I can provide. I wish you the best.
Ninjificus lisa36703
Edited
best reply
staar67797 Sterling_Cat
Edited
I so completely feel the same way about my life everything always gets worse i shouldnt have had to exsist in the first dam place wish i could sue my parents for giving birth to me.
sam18386 Sterling_Cat
Posted
hi sterling, i don't like to butter the truth or be artificial but i must know this, in order to help i need to find out this - have you made any plans to end your life, written any lists, thought how to go, told anyone etc? if you serious then i can't stop you, if you haven't how do we help? do you want help? just speak, tell us what you need? if we can't then do you need to speak to someone else? please look after yourself, if you have hurt yourself take care of any injuries to your skin etc, anything you say on. here can be private....