I wish I was dead...

Posted , 6 users are following.

I’m pregnant and have been feeling life is just too much and wish I was dead. I know I won’t act on it but over the years of my life I fall into bouts of sadness and I have always been able to pull myself out.

I’m newly married and have a great job and I should be happy. However my partner is ignorant to my feelings 

I often wish I didn’t get married and how I could close my eyes and just die

I know it’s not the pregnancy I’m just so sad. I lost my father last year and I’m just not happy

I feel so ungrateful for all the good things in my life as I do have it good

I have a great circle of friends but this constant weight of sadness follows me in a deep dark cloud

I dream of death and wish I just wouldn’t wake up

But now I’m pregnant I feel guilty of how I can be such a horrible person to be feeling like this

My situation is not that bad I just have an unsupportive partner but I always feel so alone

1 like, 11 replies

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  • Posted

    d

    The problem with Mental Illness and those around us  generally caused by lack of understanding and sometimes they can also consider it a sign of weakness.

    Sometimes when awaiting a birth can also effect your mood and miss understanding of your reasons at this happy time

    Your Fathers death can also cause depression because you have not come to terms with your loss. You need to talk and if this is a problem you will suffer sadness and low mood.

    I do not know if your  Mother is still alive and if you have any siblings, if you can sit down with then and discuss the loss you must be all feeling  I find talking about those good and bad times will help you grieve aand come to terms at this family loss. When it comes to your Husband it may be He is not actually know the relationship you had with your Dad so it will be hard for him to understand so you need to revert to those who had  some form of relationship with you Dad.

    I do not know your past and I cannot relate to why you say you are bad ?, All I know is you have a new life for you to bring into this world, given that you may feel overwhelmed  regards the future of  the three of you and given that you need encouragement and understanding as your life expectations change.

    Just because your life at this time is so very full, you may be worried  because of the changes you and your partner has is store. You have a great deal to think about and consider as this new life can change many things even when all your ducks seem all in a row.

    In a nutshell you need to talk with your husband and make plans for the new arrival, He will need to understand you Both have new considerations to consider.

    Personally I feel you will hopefully feel more positive at the birth although I feel you may be low after the birth, this is normal

    At this time I do not feel medications are not the answer because of the pregnancy possibly effecting the new born However your GP is the only one who can suggest this type of treatment.

    As explained above both you and husband needs to talk regards the addition to your family. Talking can be liberating

    Good Luck

    BOB

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    • Posted

      Hi Borderriever,

      Thank you for writing such heart felt words. I know they should be of comfort to me, however I feel empty after reading at no fault of you.

      Yes my mother is still alive suffering dementia so my siblings and I have all been dealing with a lot on our hands family wise.

      Talking about our emotions is not one of them, but being more proactive about stuff with things that simply need to be done.

      I sincerely thank you for writing. It is nice to know someone has read my thoughts and feelings and taken some time out for me.

      This emptiness I feel is very dulling.

      I feel very alone and regretful I have a partner who can not be more supportive in my low periods so I’m left in an odd state of limbo.

      The joyous part of my pending pregnancy is diminished due to me being alone.

      His a good man but emotionally unavailable which makes me so deeply saddened to know the one person I wish to turn to the most is the one who has left me out to just hand to dry.

      Sorry I didn’t mean I am bad, I meant my situation is not as bad as others.

      I have a great job and family etc but yet I can’t get over these darkening feelings of despair.

      I have read that pregnancy hormones can be all over the place but I don’t think it’s the pregnancy.

      It’s just life and feeling so alone yet I have so many great people around me it’s odd to know I still feel so alone.

      I’m well held together on face value and successful at my job but deep down mind heart and soul travel to very dark places.

      I know meds isn’t suitable cause I’m pregnant.

      I have been on them once before many moons ago and I was going to try them again when my father passed away but I pulled myself out.

      I don’t know if it was me really pulling myself out or just me sweeping under the rug so it can creep but up at a later date like now.

      I know I won’t do anything silly but I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up.

      I have this amazing life growing inside me and I just hope that my negative feelings and mental state transpires to this baby.

      They deserved a happy healthy life and not the bad feelings I’m having right now.

      THANKYOU it means a lot that you wrote and all it takes is someone to listen this is very true.

      ❤️ Much appreciated indeed

      Tomorrow is always a fresh day with a new outlook on life.

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  • Posted

    This is my first time reading this site and it appears we all have the same problem; wishing we were dead! Sadly I don't know the answer. I'm taking three 75mg Effexor and wellbutrin and I still feel that those around me would be much happier (in the long run) if I were dead. I even sat down yesterday with my 45 trying to make sense of everything and........nothing. My wife thinks it's her fault that I'm so unhappy; Not True! The problem is me. I'm very unhappy with who I am and there's nothing I can do about it. It's too late in life to start over so why bother. I've worked my butt off all my life and I have nothing to show for it; nothing but a lot of bad decisions. Just noticed something, I'm in the US and I believe these posts are UK related. Guess what guys, these problems, whatever they are, stretch around the world. Hopefully I won't post anymore trash like this and I work up the nerve to meet my maker.

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    • Posted

      Pappy

      I’m actually in Australia and yes you are 100 right that these problems are universal.

      Wishing so much is easy but given I’m pregnant my choices feel so limited.

      I can’t off myself because I have another human being growing inside me but now I’m forced to do it all in my own now.

      S****y situation to be in when your options are all taken from you.

      At least you have a kind wife who thinks it’s her fault which of course is not far.

      My case is a shared combination of factors from my partner and myself.

      I think every moment that had I not been pregnant how easy it would really be.

      Time passes and wounds heal and the memory of me would simply fade

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  • Posted

    You should never feel you are not 'entitled' to be depressed, d72127. Having 'good things in your life' is great, but it doesn't guarantee feeling good about life. Depression is the lack of vitality and many things can cause it.

    I have been married for many years and we are very close now and can share everything. But it wasn't always that way-it took time to build that relationship. My wife and I were divorced for several years but eventually reconciled and got remarried. She is my best friend now, don't know what I'd do without her in my life.

    The point being, maybe your husband is unsupportive now but-with the right help-he can be a good partner to you eventually? Some folks are not interested or attentive because that aspect of them wasn't developed, but it can be in time. 

    I can talk to my wife about ANYTHING now, but it sure wasn't like that when we first got married. It took a lot of work from both of us to get there. Hope it works out for you and your partner. God bless you.

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    • Posted

      I wish I had a supportive partner like you. I know it’s a journey and I never expected it to happen over night.

      I have always taught and tried to communicate but all my feelings were always shunned and swept under the carpet 

      I miss the compassion of someone who cares to see if I’m unhappy to just sit by my side and hold my hand and tell it will all be ok.

      But instead I get the finger pointed at me and the blame from my partner.

      Today he wrote me to say he agrees to separate and wants me to move out.

      6 months pregnant is a lot to handle and grasp all on my own right now

      My head is spinning I feel abandoned and trapped and so alone.

      If i wasn’t pregnant s**t would be so much easier but now I have double on my plate and I can’t breath

      I feel sick and I’m so scared!

      I mean I know hundreds of people do it alone but the fear is not paralyzing me I don’t know where to turn

      I look at myself and hate what I see now and feel so much regret that I’m bringing a child into a world surrounded by me

      These next few months if I make it through will be he hardest of my life to date and then after I could maybe take that easy option out

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    • Posted

      Well, I hope you don't 'take that easy option out' in a few months or ever, d72127. Especially now that you have a blessing on the way. My wife and I tried to have children but it didn't work out for us. Your partner, if he is aware of your pregnancy, isn't doing you any favors by asking you to move out. A man who has any sense of decency wouldn't ask a woman bearing his child to move out, even if things weren't ideal between you. The priority is now the life within you.

      I hope and pray all your material needs will be met as the child grows within you and after the delivery. You may find out that life will give your life new meaning and a center. I hope so.

      I know life can stink at times, believe me. I've been on the crappy road many times over my life, I know well-meaning words are probably the last thing you want to hear when you're hurting. Life can really suck. But if you're truly looking for an answer to life's slings and arrows, it will come in time. Always has for me, even if the down period seemed to last forever.

      I listen to this song when I'm feeling blue, helps me get over the hump. Hope it makes you feel a wee bit better:

      Moderator comment: I have removed the link(s) directing to site(s) unsuitable for inclusion in the forums. If users want this information please use the Private Message service to request the details.

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  • Posted

    Hi when you say you feel empty to me that is a dead giveaway that your emotions never felt validated as a child and consequently you pushed them down to survive your childhood and now you have problems reconnecting with them.  I had a childhood like that but discovered Childhood Emotional Neglect which explained many things to me and bells rang.  It might be the case for you and is so there is info available online.  I hope this helps you.  x
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  • Posted

    To say it's nice to see someone else feeling the way I do (especially in a situation like this) doesn't quite come off right. So let me say this instead; you aren't alone. I'm in a very similar state of mind and in a similar set of circumstances.

    People mean well, I've had some very nice people people give me sound and reasonable advice. I can't for the life of me understand why I end up feeling more miserable and isolated with every word sent to comfort me.

    In fact, at this point I've gotten so miserable I'm barely fit to be around. The things that comfort me the most come from me, but I'm not comfortable sharing my thoughts on a public forum, they are too dark and I don't think anyone would understand them.

    I will share one thought though and I hope I don't get blasted for it. But first a disclaimer: please understand I don't have a violent bone in my body and would never actually do any of this ok?

    Okay, this part is real... so it gets bad, real bad, like I have the gun in my hand and can't stand a minute more, not figuratively ... literally. And I think... whoa whoa, wait a minute... I haven't done much in my life, I'd like to be remembered, all I have left are a few minutes here on Earth, not much time... That's when I see a strawberry shortcake Halloween costume in my closet and I think to myself... What if I put that bad boy on and wrote a note saying how berry berry much life sucks... I wonder what the EMT would make of it? Would I get a mention in the paper? I mean... You know someone is going to remember you forever if they cleaned up that mess.... And then I laugh and for a minute everything is ok and I hang on tight to that minute till the feeling passes.

    Yeah, I know, I need help, I see a therapist, I reach out to people all the time. Nothing helps. The only thing that keeps me alive is planning the most spectacular exit I can and next thing I know I'm laughing till I'm blue in the face.

    It's bad, I'm not going to lie, I've got a million ways I've thought of going out at this point, but I'm still here and that's the only reason why.

    For anyone reading this, please don't blast me for revealing my coping mechanism, I really am hanging on by a thread and it wouldn't take much to push me over. I'm just in a dark place and humor is my only nightlight. If it's as bad as you say it is, I believe you and know for a fact there is no advice for that sort of darkness. All I can do is say, "you too huh? bummer." and turn up my nightlight so you aren't alone in the dark. My email is sarah85044@gmail.com[/b] I am in no position to give anyone life advice, but I will delight in sharing my million in one ways to go out with a bang and show you how hard it is to kill yourself when your laughing. I'd like a friend, hit me up if you want one too. I'm due in December, when are you due?

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    • Posted

      Oh Sarah, 

      I wished I could say it gets easier. For me it doesn’t.

      Today marks my baby’s 1

      Month birthday and she is an absolute delight. Such a joy and everyday is exhausting. She has my heart and soul.

      Things have progressively gotten worse with my relationship. He puts me down non stop and is just a horrible

      Person in general. Not a nice human being. Everyone else gets the nice him and I get the scraps.

      But I have my daughter she makes me smile. 

      Tonight was a bad night and yes I wished I wasn’t here. I laid here crying after he put me down and made me feel like a worthless human being and useless.

      Be careful as post natal depression is real!!!

      I don’t know what I would do if I had a gun.

      I wished so much tonight to just disappear but then I felt terrible cause I’d leave behind a beautiful human being I created to fend for herself.

      I could never do that to her as s**t as I may feel.

      I sat her Brest feeding while I cried and laid tears on her little face and even now while I write this.

      Life is s**t and I feel it gets worse but she is worth it even tho all else seems dark and miserable.

      I am nothing it to her i and her everything.

      At least my child is innocent and pure.

      She deserves more than I ever got.

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    • Posted

      Plus your pregnant and I do hope you are enjoying pregnancy

      It can be tough and lonely

      I wish I could find humor in ways to off myself but mineare more solem and lonely thoughts for me

      My situation is circumstantial 

      His just a selfish person and I know I’m not a bad person

      Just trapped in a bad situation 

      I always wonder the what if’s in my life and I’m always wishing to never wake up again

      Sleep and sleep forever

      Side note 

      Do you know what your having? I wish you a healthy journey on this blessing of a baby

      They truly are a great gift 

      Keep fighting the loneliness and sadness and hopefully we never will have to meet on the other side 

      Wherever that may be...

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