Iatrophobia, 10 years of work, now it’s back with a vengeance

For more than 20 years I completely avoided medicine, medical professional, and medical situations, which (of course) were all conspiring to kill me. Then I got an infection that forced me to get treatment. That was the start of a ten-year effort to overcome this phobia, and until last week I thought I had been successful.

The appointment that caused my regression was with a urologist who, in a casual aside, mentioned that he wanted to do an invasive procedure on me to diagnose the source of some minor lower urinary tract symptoms. The procedure hadn't yet been scheduled. This appointment was a follow-up to a video appointment because the doctor wanted to examine me. To get me "off the ceiling" and into the clinic took no less than a crisis counselor, a therapist, and a peer counselor who stayed on the phone with me talking me through the process of just getting to the clinic. Once inside I felt like a condemned man walking his last mile my whole body was heavy, my movements stiff and slow, my mind numb. I felt pretty sure I was about to suffer - indignity, embarrassment, humiliation, pain, and my soul collapsing.

clearly, I survived long enough to find this online community and write this account, but it's only a reprieve. And the additional time has given me the chance to read other people's experiences and all the useless advice on the web. But in two weeks I'm scheduled for a flexible cystoscopy. My anxiety will probably do me in first. I am so terrified. I don't know how I'm going to make it through this time.

and of course I'm ashamed of myself for behaving like this.

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