Idk if the meds are right for me

You do not have to take meds. If your gut is saying not too then dont. you have used some so you know how you felt therefore i dont feel it is a decision made in haste. Maybe explain this to the doctor. Or ask for a milder drug. do not be  hesitant to talk about this or fear your doctors response. That would be a bad rapport and bad for healing. Not a time to,people please. I think your anxiety might be coming from fearing you are offending the doctor.that is  foolish. 

your symptoms are mainly at night which makes it easier. Have you tried cbt or dbt? Theres tons  of books and apps to help you as well as counsellors. Theres so much out to choose from. An anxiety workbook is a great tool. Definetly mindful exercises.

there are numerous alternatives out there as well. melatonin to sleep and that works very well on many people. Research that and its uses. Theres l theanine, magnessium foot soaks and the as needed meds..usually benzos. Benzos are addicting but for the I hate meds people they tend to be a lot more cautious with it. In terms of the depression i have no clue. Some doctors connect the two many have the two. Some dont. So thats something for you to figure out within you. You will need a way to properly address the intrusive thoughts.

you can even consider seeing a holistic therapist. They are more interactive and can  help you pin point more about yourself then the typical traditional therapist.

your therapist get his information from you. If you mentioned depressive thoughts and said your heart palps then thats what they believe. 

Best to call him and note you do not feel this is the avenue you want to take at this time. You prefer a lighter medication and nothing too mind altering. If you are nervous do so after hours so you can leave a message. Find your voice and know its okay to express yourself if you disagree. Some drs are fine with it some arent. The one that isnt is when you find a new one. There are always other options available.

part of having all this is you lose trust in everything amd everyone. The saddest is you loose trust in yourself and your gut feelings. I understand that. This disorder does that because you spend a lot of time ignoring and dismantling thoughts and symptoms as fake. Cant trust the symptoms. But some of that is really not understanding what all this is too, its a mal function and many symptoms are cause and effect of adrenaline and hormones and they arent fake per say they just arent dangerous. So you see you still do have a gut feeling on things. Yes they are probably guided by fear but when it gets that strong and you really feel med is not for you..listen to your gut. Thats the best i can offer. You have reasoning behind it that you feel it will cause unwanted effects in your thinking so its not pulled out of a hat. I dont know if its true  but once you believe it is that wont work out very well. The mind is a potent thing as you already know.

go on pinterest and type in anxiety, depression and see what transpires. So many helpful thoughts and ideas in this too,

 

I can tell you that when I went through depression and anxiety,I constantly thought something was wrong with my physically as I started getting all these symptoms I never had before like heart beating fast,clammy hands,weight on chest etc.Kept going to doctors hoping something physical was wrong that could explain the mental struggles.Dont let this linger especially if you are getting suicidal thoughts and can't sleep.I went through months with very little sleep.Go to a clinical psychologist or reach out to someone you trust you can talk to.You are not alone in your struggles.